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It it was my job to hear his apology and try o accept it. I told him he was out to lunch in no uncertain terms. That comment still hurts me.

I made him sleep on the couch last night.

Right, so he's remorseful?

jeez louise!

Come on you know he's not hurting 'so much'

He needs to be MAKING IT UP TO YOU. He is the victim in his own life. Do you actually still love him? Do you know if you do? It's okay if you don't, truly that is okay. But you seem to be putting up and accepting a lot of bullshit if you're not sure.

I don't know what your immediate gut reaction is to this question but you need to really reflect on this. Because this really helped me after dday

"Your love for your wayward is a bank, an affair is a major withdrawal, he needs to start putting in a lot of coins",

now yes he may be supporting you but from the posts I have read from you he seems to be continually withdrawing more than he is putting in. As hard as it is I think you should go to a friend etc house for a couple of days.

My story

I did this the day after dday and I found it to really cement my stance on R. Because I reflected on just the two of us in general. We did meet a day after and we fought badly then I went back to my friend's house than the following day I went home... and we got stoned (which I had never done before).

I'm not advocating getting stoned but it may be a good idea to go to dinner. I found reconnecting after those few days really helped, and he then gave me dday 2 (which I think would of never happened).... which led to dday 3. We got the MAJORITY out of the way in about a month.

Then I found and joined SI.

I tell you this not because I am an ambassador for R (which I really am not), but because it gave me STRENGTH to decide what I wanted. You may need to rinse and repeat, the 180 is difficult when you have a wayward like yours, because your initial reaction is to make it better. That is my take on a 180 with a wayward like yours. You actually need a break, you're running haggard and you don't deserve this!

Have a break from him, figure out what you want

[This message edited by lauren123 at 8:17 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Thank you Tush,

He did go to IC today, I reminded him that it's not about fixing the past it's about ensuring the future and that snapped him back into it. I don't honestly know how much "difficult" stuff they discuss, I hope it's happening, I think it is.

It looks like your kids must have been 10ish when you found out... How did they cope?

We had a very hard day today, kid wise. Ours are 14, 13, 8 and 6, all girls. The teens are beside themselves with worry. We try to be so loving and reassuring but I know they're scared. They know we're having some difficulties that we're working on but that's it. :( I kind of suck as a mom these days. I spend a lot of time in bed and that makes me feel guilty. I take them to the beach every afternoon and make dinner but that seems to be all I can muster. H is wracked with pain seeing his daughters feeling sad and unsure, so am I. :(

I want to answer your question, but am a bit confused. Do your kids know what is actually going on, or do the just sense there is upset, and that you guys are struggling?

I think that changes how you handle things. In our case the kids did not know the specifics. They knew that Dad had been being a real jerk the past 6 months, but didn't know why, in addition they knew I was stressed to the max prior to Dday. My H's whole personality changed while he was having his A, and I was struggling the whole time to figure out what the hell was going on. I suspected, but never had proof, and he denied until I did. He also had a life altering event during the A he had a massive MI (out of town) and it was a bit of a kick in the jimmies to him to wake the hell up. Unfortunately the A went on for another 4 months until I had proof.

So the kids knew he was being a jerk. I kept telling them that Dad was under a lot of stress at work, and was having a hard time separating that from home. After Dday - things changed, he was a bit better, less tempermental with the kids, but I was a wreck, and often had to leave a room to go cry. My son knew something was wrong, my daughter thought it was because dad had been 'sick', she was still pretty young.

I told them, and Dad told them that we were having a rough time, that we love each other, and that sometimes Marriages require a lot of work, and can be difficult. We also made sure they knew our issues had NOTHING to do with them. NO MATTER WHAT WE BOTH LOVED THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. That was the truth. It was enough.

My oldest did his best to not fight with his sister, and they both were amazingly good in school during all of it.

Now we are 5 years out, and I am not sure they ever even really think about that time. If they do, I guess it didn't leave too much of an impact on them, and I am fine with that. Hell now whenever we quibble, and we do that often, more of a joking harrassing, playing manner, the kids will both chime in saying "Yipee Two Christmas's".

They can joke about it, because it is so far from the reality they know.

We had been to our favorite restaurant, about six months after dday, and had a few drinks and on the way home he was talking about his pain. He was feeling sorry for himself, never forgiving himself, yadda yadda yadda. I blew up and told him to fuck himself, fuck his pain, that the only pain that mattered was mine. His pain was self-induced while I was completely victimized. I raged for about fifteen minutes while he sat their shrinking. After that he stopped feeling sorry for himself and put my happiness first.

Only then did true remorse show its head. He accepted the blame and realized he had to put on his big boy pants and suck it up.

That's what your ws needs to do. He needs to show compassion with strength. He needs to say mea culpa while comforting YOU. He needs to dig deep and put on a brave face while holding you. He needs to be dignified, not weepy. This will truly start the healing process.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 8:58 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

I'm pretty sure he's getting it now. But again, time will tell...

Tush~ basically our kids have been told the same things yours were. They're worried because they've never even seen us fight in the past so this is new for them (actually we still aren't fighting but H did sleep on the couch the other night), a lot of their friend's parents are divorced and it really scares them. We try to be as honest as possible without actually talking about the issue. I spent some extra time last night with the teens, just talking and laughing and it was great.

We had an eye opener yesterday when both the teens said people (family mostly) had asked where we were and they didn't know what to say and felt uncomfortable. :( We'll be being much more careful about letting them be in situations like that in the future. Poor babies.