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Hi 84,

Your WW sounds like Nearly Exh did, for a time.

What I found is that probably I could have tried to work on the cheating part, if he was "real" about all of it, but he was not. He also treated me very badly after he was caught and to follow, he said and did so many other things that I simply can't be around him anymore.

There is a threshold we seem to arrive at and a friend of mine says, "you just know." I believe that. It's an instinct, something in your gut, something in the hemisphere, that says, "that's enough."

Yes, one of the posts talks about WS wanting out but not wanting to deal with it (Exit Affair) and that's Nearly Exh. An IC said it was a passive aggressive way to get me to do the dirty work and even though part of me died, I did finally file the papers.

My threshold or deal breakers were the lies and the rewriting of our marriage, where he made it all about me, lying about me to relatives and about things that happened. He also said things to me that no human being should hear and tried to take custody of our child away from me, so you see, sometimes other elements stack up, as well.

And, what drives me nuts is something he does now, where his words don't match his actions. I get that out of some of your writing, where your wife says, "I want", but then does the behavior against your marriage again. So her words don't seem to match her actions and it's frustrating, isn't it?

Yes, it took a long time for me to understand that I had a voice and that this man I loved was taking horrible advantage of me and making a laughing stock of me and my life with his cheating. Your wife is being very disrespectful to you and I'm sorry, for you've surely stood by her for a very long time-she's lucky in that and I'm sorry to say it sounds like she's taking advantage of your good nature.

I'm sorry for my long post, for I was in the same place. I finally filed, but am in mourning for the life that's been stolen from me and I have to rebuild on a shoestring.

I wish you well in your decision making and wonder if it's time to 180 and do some more thinking? At least it would be a little bit of peace from the shenanigans. I find it hard sometimes, but find the peace worthwhile when, I can do it for some time.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:26 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

I'm so sorry your here.

Something clicked when you said your WW decided to travel again for work. Something made me think that she was going to see the OM.

Why else would she want to leave.

Thanks for your responses, everyone. Yes, her going away again this summer has been a major point of contention in our conversations. At least I was able to stick with my gut. It's probably a blessing that I know now.

I am going to go with NC. It is, I'm sure, easy for me to say now while I am still in shock. It's going to be painful tomorrow. Since this happened earlier this evening I've called friends to let them know what happened and that I'm going to need to lean on them especially hard this week.

What a tremendous waste. I'm disgusted now. Tomorrow I will be devastated.

"Why are you still lying to me?" I said.

"I don't know," she replied.

"You've been seeing him?"

"Yes."

"You need to find a new place to live," I said. And I hung up.

I'm really sorry.

84CF---sadly, your story is all too familiar. I allowed myself to be strung along for longer than was healthy. It is difficult when you remember many positives about the WS, usually just enough to keep you hoping. But the reality I was faced was that she wasn't really going to change in a positive, trusting way.

I can tell you the day I filed felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders, and some semblance of control was again back in life. There have been hard times since, no doubt, but nothing like the unending nightmare of the limbo I was in. If it comes to that, you will survive. Believe it.

I don't think that the WS understands that the lies are what really kills the marriage. If they would realize the pain they caused and change then it might have worked out. I believe that often they cannot stop lying. They have done it for so long. It's a way of life.

This is a major generalization. I do realize that. I've just seen it over and over here and experienced it in my own life. The last straw wasn't another affair. It was another lie.

Yes, you are absolutely right that it's the lying that is the root of the hurt. The rest is horrible, but the lies are what cause the broken self-esteem.

At least I know. At least I know. At least I know.

I feel absolutely awful today.

Sorry, friend.

I know that you feel awful. You are supposed to feel awful. There is nothing worse than watching your marriage disintegrate in front of you, and are powerless to save it.

Read up on the 180 in The Healing Library. It is a detachment tool that would benefit you greatly in this circumstance. While many of the steps seem strange...even counterproductive...understand that the end result is to give you some emotional distance from your wayward wife. And once you get some emotional distance, you will see things in a different light.

She is not a safe person to be emotionally connected to at this time. And while it may seem impossible to pull back, it will get easier over time---if you work at it.

Knowledge is power my friend, and that is the path that I would follow. Start with seeing and attorney, and getting an understanding of where you will be financially if you divorce. Set up a personal bank account, and move half of the finances there. Cancel joint credit cards. Start working towards an independent life.

Who knows? Maybe your WW will have her *aha* moment. But you should not wait around for it. I always believed that the path toward divorce is a linear one, unless the wayward spouse can show you otherwise to stop the process. Think about it---if you started this process years ago, after her 2nd extramarital affair, where would you be today? Maybe divorced and rebuilding, or maybe with your wife that came to her senses then, when she realized that you were leaving.

I know that these "what ifs" can drive a person insane. But you know the definition of insanity--repeating the same procedure with expectations of a different outcome. That is where you have been for years. It is time to do something different---something for YOU.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:02 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

I am in intense pain right now. It is almost unbearable.

I am in intense pain right now. It is almost unbearable.

Yep. But that intense pain dissipates once you realize that your life is 'going on' every day and that the *world* hasn't stopped just because it feels like it should have.

Years ago, my mother died suddenly. I went to the mall for 'funeral' clothes. I very distinctly remember seeing people in the mall parking lot that were just living life and talking/joking with their friends and me being stunned about it because MY world was completely 'jacked up.' My mom had just died....how can all of these people be carrying on as usual?

Point is....you get through that ungodly, unbearable pain of the 'early' days through sheer force of will and self-preservation instincts.

Know your limits. Enforce you limits. That is really all that you can do.

I just can't believe it has come to this. She doesn't care. My wife, my partner of almost 13 years, does not care.

Selfish people don't care. Enforce no contact for your own self preservation. Once you get past the hurt, it'll get better. It's better to go througg this pain once and be happier in the future than to continue to accept her selfish behavior which will result in eternal misery for you. Stay strong.

Hugs!

My wife, my partner of almost 13 years, does not care

This was how I felt at DDAY, too.

The OW in our situation had an affair when she was 20. Her husband shot and killed the other man, then himself. This did not faze her! Her next husband she cheated on! And the next one! She is with my H, he has lost everything, our children are devastated, and guess what? I have heard from a source that she is cheating on my XH. She's only been divorced from her H for 4 months!!!!

These people are sick. We did not see it coming because they are convince themselves they are ok. They are not!

Although your heart is broken, these serial cheaters are like binge drinkers. They appear like normal people, but you don't know when their mind goes off track and they start to set up for a binge.

I read 2 chapters of the book Love Must Be Tough. The author says the line of respect has been crossed over and over by our spouses. He says to stand up and say NO MORE! Just like you would to a drug addicted child. He says a huge blowout is better than a slow leak. IF you can read just the first two chapters I believe it will really help to gather your thoughts.

I was devastated at DDAY because the OW was my friend and they had been together in front of me for a YEAR!! There are 4 children involved and they just didn't care about anyone. And her oldest child was 2 when her Daddy killed the OM and himself. So this child is growing up w/o her Dad and the OW still goes on with the same behavior! You see, it's not about us,, it's about this: They are very sick people.

On this site there is a forum called I Can Relate. There is one heading in that category for Men who have been betrayed and another one for Spouses of Sex Addicts. Please go on there as you heal. So many helpful people there will support you.

(((84CF)))

84CF,

I just wanted you to know that I read your thread and I'm so sorry that your wife is so messed-up.

She is like a sinking ship. Don't let her take you down with her--get away from her (emotionally and physically) for your own safety.

84

It is not that she does not care but she is so messed up she is unable to care about herself. about you or about your marriage.

It is no reflection on you.

Sadly she will realize this after you are long gone.

It is time to save yourself.

You cannot Reconcile with a liar!

You cannot Reconcile with a cheater.

You cannot Reconcile with someone that knows they are sick and doing hurtful things to their spouse but are unable to stop making poor choices.

Go see an attorney. Ste the wheels in motion.

Go save yourself.

HM64

Feeling pretty awful this morning.

Dealing with friends' reactions has been hard. Some have responded really well, really sympathetically. One friend, though, whom I expected to be more able to negotiate the situation, actually said to me, "Well, I guess she never did anything to me, so why should I be angry with her?" I understand that she is in a difficult spot, but it's not what I needed to hear.

I want someone, anyone, from an objective position to say that what she is doing is wrong. They don't have to stop being her friend, but as friends why can't they see this as incredibly destructive and cruel behavior? I understand that they are trying not to judge, but their reserved judgment of the situation feeds into all of my feelings of self-doubt. Maybe I did something to deserve this? Maybe I was actually a bad husband and that led to this? Maybe this is actually okay, on some level, what she is doing? A large part of me knows that the answer to all of these is a resounding NO. But it's so hard to remember that the sky is blue, and not green, when I see my friends trying to act relatively normally with her, and when I see her acting relatively normally with them. I know that she is both compartmentalizing and also creating a narrative for herself that makes her feel better about her actions. But it just hurts so much.

I'm finding that accepting this new life is really, really painful.

84CF)))

It's hard when you don't get validation from people, supposed "friends" IRL.

SI is like an ER in that regard, full of "specialists" who have walked the same path, and come out on the other side healed, and better than ever!

The 180 and NC are the tools you use to move into your own head, your own healing.

"Own" them.

Going "that deep" inside is necessary work. The pay-off is a new you with understandings and insights you never thought you'd possess. Onward!

Dear 84CF,

What your wife did and is doing is wrong.

Signed,

someone

hey brother I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. just a quick fYI, there are 40,000 people who will tell you that what your wife is doing is wrong. welcome to the best Club you never wanted to join. we will help you get through this.

regarding the friend situation, it is during the times of greatest adversity that you will find out who your real friends are. sadly, in most cases they are not many. however, it is great to know you can really count on when you need them!

did she agree to move out?

strength

84CF,

Very sorry for what you are going through. I completely empathize with your situation. Getting lied to and led on the way you are is soul eating. Get yourself back to who you are. Study and apply the 180 where it applies to you. Take that step back and really decide for yourself, not what anyone else tells you, what you want. Your WW is so wrapped up in herself its time for you to protect yourself. These first few months are tough, but you will get through it.

Feeling really awful again tonight. It is our anniversary today. She emailed for the first time in five days, saying how devastated and sorry she is for what has happened, etc. But of course I'm quite sure she is still continuing the hurtful behavior.

How is it possible to write that and then spend the rest of her *anniversary* with another man? It's really difficult to fathom that this is what my best friend has become. What a waste of more than a decade of my life.