SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow! I agree with all the responses. I needed to hear the possibility of it being physical from others, because I don't want it to be. She is adamant it was only emotional.

At first, she denied it was even heading that way. She said she never even considered it and only enjoyed the attention. After many talks, she came to me on her own and said she knew if it continued it definitely would have turned physical. She says she is grateful now that I caught them before it became physical.

I love the advice and today I told the OM's wife. She was devastated. Told me there have been 5 affairs that she knows of, and numerous others times she believed something was happening, but could not gain the info or proof it was going on. My WW does not know yet, but I am getting ready to tell her after this post.

I am relieved I did it and don't care what my wife thinks. I am definitely moving into the angry phase. I want my WW to know how extensive my pain is. I am deeply wounded. I have never felt like this before. My mind and body do things I have no control over.

I felt at first I just wanted revenge by telling the OM's BS. Now it feels like I rescued another human being. I hurt for her, as well as myself. Thank you to everybody and this web site for the responses and care. It has helped so much.

BS - 49

WW - 33

SD - 10

Heartbroken - 07/21/13

Congrats on doing the right thing in telling the other BS.

So, it is not his first rodeo and they had a physical relationship (was it an Affair?) prior to you being in the picture. All of this points to it having gone physical.

I would suggest you sit your WW down and explain to her that you can't heal from this without the entire truth(See joseph's letter in the healing library to help you explain why this is important). Then tell her she has one chance to come clean and then you are going to schedule a polygraph to verify her story.

And then do it.

Her reaction will tell you alot. If she refuses to take the poly you can pretty much be assured she is still hiding things. She may tell you a little bit more to satisfy you that she is now being 'honest', great, but still follow through with the poly.

parking lot confessions are frequent where the WS really comes clean right before the poly.

She may try and make excuses why she should not have to take one. Not reliable, humiliating, a marriage that requires a poly is not marriage etc. It is all bullshit. She nuked your marriage and you have every right to demand what YOU need to get through this. Many, Many members here have used a poly to help them get the truth. In almost all cases, the poly results were accurate and the WS that refused to take one almost always had something more to hide.

[This message edited by circlingthedrain at 5:47 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the reply circlingthedrain.

My wife was very upset I outed the OM to his BS. She cried and she let me hold her. It took 20 minutes before she could respond with words. She hated that I did it, but understood. That was all she could say and I let it go until today. While she was at work she texted me ans said she was sorry she shattered my trust, she wanted me to know she was so sorry, and that she loved me and stood by my decision. I think this shows true remorse but would like some feedback please.

She worried all day about retaliation or the higher ups finding out from the OM. She is afraid that he expects me to go to them, so he will do it on his own for damage control.

Tonight, we just held each other and sat quietly. She still denies it being physical and said again it was for sure on its way to that, but was stopped in time.

A couple days ago I sent texts to the OM telling him to stay completely away from her, even if it is business. I told him he could go through her immediate supervisor. He was pissed and told me to watch my threats and he couldn't promise anything. I told him it was he who better watch it.

I agree the outing will benefit the no contact. Thanks to all that have helped. I am doing better.

BS - 49

WW - 33

SD - 10

Heartbroken - 07/21/13

Ignore the AP's threats Smokehouse. He is bluffing to cover his ass.

Businesses can't tolerate his kind of behavior because it can turn in to a sexual harassment suit VERY easily. All your wife has to say is that she responded to his texts/emails because she feared losing her job if she rebuffed him. Simple as that. AP knows it too.

You did the right thing telling the BW. You did save another human being.

As far as your WW's response, it's not a bad sign. It's better than what I got from my WS: "God damn you. How could you do that? It could cost me my job!!!" Scream. Stomp. Scream.

That was all bluffing. I had told him first he needed to contact the BH and tell him and apologize and he wouldn't because of shame. His screaming was more shame. The BH didn't even work for the same company. Didn't work for a client or a competitor and the chances of them ever crossing paths was very very slim.

He has never brought it up again and never admitted I did the right thing.

So for your WW to acknowledge you did the right thing is a pretty good realization.

There will be ups and downs with your WW's behavior. Just watch and make sure the trend is towards improvement.

Thanks Josephine85. She understands, but thinks it was more for revenge. Some of it may be, but, I tend to think he needs to know other married women are off fucking limits!

What a turd to think he should not be held accountable. If that is revenge, then so be it.

So sorry you are here. You questioned whether your ws had really spent the day shopping.... Does she use charge cards on a normal outing? Or cash ? Does she withdraw cash a day or two prior to a day spent shopping? Check your bank statement and your cc statements. It's not usual that someone can spend an entire day shopping and find nothing to buy.

Personally, I find it difficult to believe this was not a PA simply because it had been a PA some years back. It doesn't seem likely she's giving you the truth. Also, if it's only an emotional affair, why buy new undergarments?

Thank you for having the courage to talk with the OM's wife. It's sad she's aware of 5 affairs and has chosen to live with the cheating, lying jerk.

Truly, I would go to your ws's employer's HR rep and out the OM to the company. This will likely spare yet another woman and her family, especially if they terminate the OM. Also, it should protect your WS's position since he is her supervisor. Otherwise, it's not uncommon for an affair partner to find reasons to terminate their subordinate affair partner, especially now that the OM is aware you're onto him. His threats to you are idle. You are the one who has the 'power' in this situation. Use it.

Meanwhile, think about what it will take for you to live with what your WS has done. If she truly values your M, she will jump through all hoops to repair herself and repair the damage to you and your M. There's nothing worse than having the one person you love and trust with all your heart betray that love and trust. Nothing.

Oops. I intended to say it IS unusual for someone to spend an entire day shopping and find nothing to buy.

Thanks Josephine85. She understands, but thinks it was more for revenge. Some of it may be, but, I tend to think he needs to know other married women are off fucking limits!

What a turd to think he should not be held accountable. If that is revenge, then so be it.

You nailed it Smokehouse. Part of outing the AP is holding them accountable for their behavior and the consequences of it. It is also letting them know you will not be in collusion with them to keep their dirty little secret.

Lots of immoral, unethical shit goes on in "plain sight" because most people turn the other way. They don't want to be involved. But they are. By not calling the perpetrator on it, they are now in collusion with him/her.

I think if people started outing bad behavior and there was a real sense of consequences, you might see waywards think twice and not cheat. None of them are thinking of their betrayed spouse and what it would do to him/her at the time they are contemplating cheating.

But they ARE thinking of themselves and if they have seen someone else outed and shamed, they may fear that happening to them.

She still denies it being physical and said again it was for sure on its way to that, but was stopped in time.

If I were a betting girl, I'd place a big wager on the fact that she's lying....for some very obvious (to me) and some very, very subtle reasons.

The fact that she is (most probably) lying, and you (a skilled observer) being unable to detect it.....must be a pretty unsettling feeling to have.

Have you put the notion of taking a poly on the table? If for no other reason than to gauge her reaction.....

Thanks gonnabe. I agree she is still lying. It is obvious about some of the little things and quit possibly the bigger one (PA). I have not discussed a poly.

When I asked if they ever discussed meeting up she says no. When I ask why she that is, she says because we r both married. That is the worst lie I have ever heard on the fly. I could have come up with so much better.

The OM is a serial cheater. There is no way in hell he wasn't trying to get her to meet up.

Now she gets mad when I keep asking the same questions. Says she has answered them.

She has never really sat and gave me the full story. It was done over two weeks and in segments. I feel like I haven't even heard the whole thing, mainly because I let it come out in segments and jumped around from thought to thought. This also might be my reasoning for thinking she is lying. I can't seem to put it all together. When we have another day alone I'm going to have her tell it start to finish. Then I'll decide on the poly if the answers don't suffice.

I just need closure. It looks to me, reading other stories, that eventually the truth comes out, in most cases. I'm just going to keep on it till I'm satisfied and we can finally start R.

Thanks for all the responses.

BS - 49

WW- 33

SD - 10

Heartbroken - 07/21/13

I wrote out a boundaries and consequences sheet tonight at work and will give it to her tonight.

I have not ever asked for the whole story on the affair, but she is going to tell me tonight start to finish.

I'm done moping around, calling her all the time, sending constant I love u texts. I realize I'm acting pathetic. No more.

Now it's time for me to feel better. Going to start IC. She doesn't want to get MC. Says we can do this on our own. I don't think so. We will see.

I need to just feel normal again or at least attempt

Now she gets mad when I keep asking the same questions. Says she has answered them.

It's been my experience, and the experience of many others that I've read, that when this type of behavior is displayed....it's because the WS is still hiding <something>.

Discussion is good, but a written timeline is better. That way there is a hard copy for you to digest and process over time. AND with the added bonus of having it written down by her own hand so that you don't have to deal with future "That's not what I said's."

People around SI are very helpful at *tweaking* stuff, so if you want, you can post the list you wrote up and get some input (although weekends are a bit slow here, so if you decide to do that, you might want to put it into a new post asking for input)..... or just carry on with your current plan and report back later.

Good luck to you.

Smokehouse,

Here is the thing about being a freshly betrayed spouse: You can never, EVER, ask enough questions---even if they are repeated questions.

That is just the way it is. If anyone tells you differently, you can tell them to go f**k themselves.

That is the attitude that you need to take when getting to the bottom of your cheating wife's lies. You didn't ask for any of this, but being that it has now been thrust upon you---by the one that was supposed to protect you---there is no way in hell that she is going to limit her responses.

Let me take that back---she is absolutely within her rights to not answer you. It is her life, and if she chooses not to give you any answers, then that is her decision.

But that does not mean that you have to tolerate it.

Just as she is free to make her decisions, so are you. And one of the first decisions that I am sure is pounding in your head is to get the truth. As ugly as it may be, it is a whole lot better than being left more lies and deceit.

All actions have consequences....good and bad. Hold her accountable for them.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 2:56 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Hi smokehouse... I find it funny how many of these stories are similar to mine in some way... My WH has not given me the whole truth, I still get bits here and there. Doubt I will ever get the whole truth and I can not guarantee NC. Like your WS mine denies PA ( i like you tend to believe but i ave this nagging doubt) but mine can not seem to wrap his head around why I am so angry and am saying he had an EA. he lied about his whereabouts, who was texting him and put major effort into an emotional relationship with her. It has only been a week for me since D day and although I want R eventually he has to understand that this is a hurt that runs deep. My questions just like yours are part of my healing process. Our WS DO NOT get to dictate how fast or how we heal. They made their beds now they have to lie in them ALONE until we are ready to join them.

Thanks everybody. I started the 180 because I'm not getting the response I want. I didn't want to do it, but, I was so pathetic, I realized it is what I needed to do.

I was constantly apologizing for our bad marriage, for he way I treated her, for our constant strife in the marriage.

For now, she is ignoring me, I hope she sees I am looking out for myself. I want R, but, need all the answers. After weeks of lies and gas lighting, I am exhausted. I am so angry at her I could divorce her right now, but, I still love her more than anything.

I believe she is still deep in the fog and needs time to come out of it. I hope this works and we can work it out.

I want to be with her and have the loving relationship I know we can have. I am aware of what I was doing wrong in the marriage and need to correct it. I am eyes wide open and see things clearly like never before. Hope it isn't too late, but, if it is, I am ready for that too.

This web site and the people are amazing. Thanks for the direction, I truly am grateful and humbled by everybody's help and wisdom.

BS -49

WW -33

SD-10

Heartbroken -07/21/13

The heart and soul of the 180 is to get

"I hope she sees"

out of your mind.

Understand, I hope she sees too, but you're so focused on you, she will need to bring a brass band of remorse to the party to get your attention right now.

I want to be with her and have the loving relationship I know we can have.

Of course. Normal.

BUT

The 180 turns this around and self-talk becomes;

"I want to be with me, and have the loving relationship with myself that I know I can have."

Are you seeing this little turn around trick of the mind?

I am aware of what I was doing wrong in the marriage and need to correct it. I am eyes wide open and see things clearly like never before.

This is all good for your self growth, your self improvement going forward.

Nothing like a bomb going off in our lives to make us reflective, right?

BUT

Not only are you new,

the M you have going forward will be too IF. (the brass band plays)

Looking back on the old M is good - when you seek to correct your mistakes. That's good. Shows ability to introspect,

self-correct. Helluva deserving dudes and dudettes do that.

Pat yourself on the back.

BUT

Going forward is not to get stuck in maudlin longing for the past, for "what we had".

People get stuck in re-creating and re-doing stuff then.

I say no.

Better to imagine your old M is dead. Is it not? The betrayer killed it. It's dead, jim.

Want a new M?

Let me hear the brass band.

No, I didn't see it jjct. You are right. How did I not see it. Because I am still holding on. It is now clear. I should be doing this for myself, but it is so hard. God, you r right. How could I not see this.

I feel so stupid. I am so hurt, and my love for her s so strong I am jaded. How can I correct myself? Tomorrow I will post the boundaries and consequences I wrote to her.

I will stick by these, I will hold her to these. I am so new at this I can't find my way. Thanks for the help.

I feel so stupid. It has been two weeks since any physical contact. Despite my age, I am very much a loving, physical person. I just don't know now if I can. I want too, but can't bring myself to complete the act. I want her, but think about her being with the OM. I have no direction at this time.

BS -49

WW -33

SD -10

Heartbroken -07/21/13

I feel so stupid

Quite simply....DON'T. There is no dishonor or stupidity in loving and trusting your spouse. That *shame* is on her.

As for the *physical* stuff...YOU have nothing to *prove* here. The fact that having sex with your WW is unpalatable to you right now is completely normal. 'Sloppy seconds' and all, right?

Don't be so hard on yourself.....

Sometimes I just get so sad that the coworker thing comes up far too often. Are we all so wrapped up in life that we forget we are married??????