SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...he admits to having a sex addiction and is getting help re going to councelling and going to the sex AA- he is also going to church and reading the bible daily.. how can I move from this rut and move forward.. all of this happened exactly a month ago ...

Dargirl, this garbage doesn't even make sense. His excuses and lies are all over the place and aren't even rational. I also have my doubts that his 'counselor' is a certified sex addiction professional. I'd look into that if I were you.

First, he claims (as most of them do when they're caught with their pants down and want to shift the blame elsewhere) that he's a "sex addict." Nothing new, there. Most of them claim that, it seems. It's just too convenient NOT to. YET, at the same time, he'd have you believe that ALL his 'dates' were just innocent dinner dates with women he claims he couldn't get away from fast enough the moment the check came. He also claimed that he never touched any of them. All his dinners were as pure as the driven snow.

So which is it?

One can't be a 'sex addict' if all they're doing is supposedly going to innocent dinners with platonic female friends. It just doesn't make sense, Dargirl.

He can't be both. I think you need to dig a lot more to get to the truth.

Lastly, I'm sorry you find yourself here and I wish you much strength in dealing with this crappy hand you've been dealt.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:21 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

I am not working, canadian citizen, just got my green card, his pension comes here and his government money comes to a joint account.. he threatened last night to change all monies to his own account which he would open and I would have nothing .. he is like jenkyl and hyde, he freaks out and gets all crazy.. I am afraid he is going to fall back into this craziness and really go out and have an affair - he is going to spend more money.. and then there is NO chance of ever working this out.....very sad

honey - gently - he's already had an affair..... maybe multiple.

Please see a lawyer. I have no idea what the laws are in Canada, but there are many Canadians on this site you can reach out to.

He refuses to be tested for STD's and then threatens to leave you penniless, and you love this man? His 'love' letters are bullshit if he then threatens you.

Oh, and if you have not yet been tested for STD's please do so immediately.

If I were you, I would quit talking to him for now. Read up on the 180, start making copies of all financial paperwork, and consult with a lawyer.

I have to believe him.. he swears on his kids lives... and the councellor is one I picked out who specializes in sex addiction- I go for councelling tomorrow with new councellor.. losing it...

dargirl,

They will swear on all that is holy to get you to believe that black is really white. He is not who you think he is. He is a lying cheater on the verge of being outed. He will lie about anything that may help him get out of this. His threatening you is another terrible red flag. Threatening and the display of anger are designed to throw you off balance and make you second guess yourself. Don't fall for it. Cheaters lie!

You don't have to believe anthing he says. Cheaters lie! You know somethings not right otherwise you would have not come to this site to voice your concerns. Load your computer in the car and leave the house. Call him and tell him you are on the way to have the hard drive analzyed. See what he says then. If it's true that he hasn't done anything then he won't care but, I think his behavior will be painfully obvious if he sees that you could actually have hard evidence. Cheaters lie!!!! Believe it honey! Sadly, it's so true!

I recently found out that WH was on AM too. It hurts and it's a terrible thing to learn, but I have to agree with the other posters here. You don't go on that site just to have dinner. And him not telling you the whole truth and saying he's going to move his paycheck makes it sound like he isn't remorseful and isn't working to recover. So I would highly recommend that you go to individual counseling and marriage counseling and that you make a plan to leave. If he turns around and becomes remorseful (truly remorseful), then you could consider staying. But if not, then you should go. Living with someone like that is no life. I'm living it now and many days wish that I had left long ago.

These guys would sell their own mothers for a quarter if they thought they get away with their dirty deeds.

Him swearing on your kids and everything else that is holy means nothing.

NOTHING.

Mine swore on his own mother's life - and the woman was battling CANCER and her prognosis at the time was unknown!!! His own mother, for the love of God.

very sad.. going to councelling tomorrow .... feel so lost..and depressed.. sleeping all day, not eating.. overwelmed

My husband swore on our children's lives. He swore on his mother's grave. He cried out to the skies for God to strike him dead with a bolt of lightning.

He still was cheating. I believed the drama & histrionics for years. I mean, who could act like that if they weren't telling the truth? How could a grown man cry & sob like that if he wasn't utterly devastated & feeling genuine remorse?

It was all an act, carefully calculated to disorient me and get me back in line.

My husband went to men's Bible studies. He can quote the Bible to you. He can make it sound like he's a repentant Christian. He now attends a Christian/faith-based group for male sex addicts.

It's all a lie. There is no fruit of the spirit. He can white-knuckle his behavior long enough to get anyone to think he's a changed man. Only he isn't a changed man. He's just learned new tricks to make it seem like he is.

Hon, I can tell you're not ready to face the truth of your life. You're not ready, and that's okay. I wasn't ready for many years. I rugswept, I gaslit myself. I stayed for years. I refused to deal with the truth because I couldn't handle it.

When you're ready you'll know it.

My WS also swore on our children's lives. Said he never did anything was just bored and curious. He is (was) a decon at our church, taught bible study. He got extremely angry and mean when I kept questioning him, said I would drive him to cheat because I kept telling him that I didn't believe. Wasn't until I found text messages from the last hooker he was with that he admitted then found out it has been going on for fifteen years! My WS said he never would have told me. Trust your gut and what these people are saying.

I will say that he is now a changed man and is so remorseful so there is a chance you just have to get the truth or you will always wonder.

how do I move forward with this sex addict and lier? feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

Sweetie. Be easy on you. This is not your fault. This has NOTHING to do with you. The man you thought you married was a fake. Or at the very least he is no longer the man you fell in love with.

Please protect you. Go see a lawyer ( find out your rights). Go see a dr and get tested. Read up on the 180. Protect yourself. He could care less about you, the only thing he is sorry for is being caught. If you play the good wife and shut up ten he wins. Don't do it. Demand the respect you deserve.

feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

dargirl,

We hear you, and we know. It is a physical pain and it's awful. But it won't last forever. You will survive this and come out the other side and be happy again.

Do you have family and friends you can call on for support? Maybe someone that can come live with you for awhile and keep you company?

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:16 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

how do I move forward with this sex addict and lier? feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

You need to take care of yourself. Right now don't concern yourself with moving forward with him. Concern yourself with just your self. You're going to need a lot of excellent IC. I know some here will tell you it must be via a CSAT. I'm here to tell you that an excellent IC relationship can be had with a non CSAT. My IC is not a CSAT, and I think anyone here who's known me in the couple years I've been here can tell you that I've undergone significant growth & healing thanks to my IC (and my own willingness & determination to get better).

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. You've been through a relational trauma, it's gonna take time to work through that. Obviously you picked a winner to marry, and then you stayed with him, so you're gonna need a lot of time to work through that & figure out what went wrong with your sense of reality that caused you to be where you are now.

Choose to use this time of crisis to change your life for the better. No matter if you end up staying with him or moving on via divorce, you are facing a major life choice. You can choose to remain the person you are, rugsweep everything away, pretend everything is fine, and carry on. Or you can choose to jump off the cliff into a new understanding of yourself, your world, your beliefs, your past. It's a huge leap of faith that if you decide to jump, you will be able to eventually land on your feet & begin your life again.

Work on yourself. The only person in your life you can change is yourself.

thank you for all of your support, I am so sad I cannot even see the light, I have no energy to work on myself at this point.. I told my councellor yesterday that I loved him.. she said why? I said he was so good to my kids, a really good step dad, they are all grown up now 24 & 27, I have no friends locally that I can rely on or talk too... I just moved here under a year ago and not working have not met many people.. it seems he just wants me to move forward.. he left today telling me to have a really bad day.. he is angry that I keep asking questions and he is angry that I am as he says NOT moving forward.. had phone calls yesterday from girls he called.. I looked up phone records from month ago and he was going crazy.. calling calling calling girls.. he says he never had sex ... he always wanted too but chickened out.. he admitted to having phone sex with girls.. and he says I am just on a witch hunt.. I feel so alone and desperate.. was supposed to go volunteer today but feel so sick cannot go now.. cannot eat , or sleep.. feeling so sad overwelmed with it..

it is eating me up.. I thrive on the details.. they have consumed me 24hrs a day..

so sad

I still need support and help on this.. he acted out twice this week.. making plans which were ruined by me .. so sad and depressed.. please help

Posting just to let you know, dargirl, that you are heard, and I am sorry that you are going through this.

You have a right to know 100% of the details and to expect not to be lied to further. You are not getting that, I know, but it is your right to demand it.

Please keep posting if it helps.

After discovering lots of porn on my husbands phone and our home computer I stumbled onto the AshleyMadison website. I had never even heard of it until then. My H forgot to log out of his account and I got right in to his profile. Can't even describe the devastation. I had myself tested for STD's. My H said it was just a joke between he and some guys at work! What a lie! You have to go to a lot of trouble join. He paid $250 for the "affair guaranteed" package. I saw the women he emailed. He said he didn't pay for it - somebody else did as part of a bet, but I also saw his debit card info on the transaction papers. Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, minimize, minimize. What a selfish pig. He joined in 2010 and to this day his profile is still on there! H does not want a divorce - said he never even goes to this site anymore and I am a crazy stalker lady. He allso complained that it costs $50 to cancel. I checked - it only costs $19 to cancel and he makes GOOD money. Am I not worth it?!

Decide for yourself if it matters whether or not he had sex. You know he cheated on you, whether he had intercourse or not. That alone is a betrayal. If you want the full truth or more details or less, that is all up to you.

I worry about his financial comments because, gently, that is financial abuse. Especially since you are not a Canadian resident- he knows you have little resource for obtaining money on your own.

You do have options and should you ever decide you want to leave, you can go to a woman's shelter. There they will show you the power and control wheel which includes financial abuse.