SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What an interestingly sad post. H has told me he didn't have a pet name for her....that would have been breaking HER rules! Yes you read that right....her rules.

What he did share with her was his home in a distant land. The same home he wants us to go back to one day, the same home we took the children to to visit their grandparents each summer for almost 20 years.

Plain.... You hit my feelings bang on. I too had wished there was just one time during the 4 year A that something about me and us meant more to him then the rule maker did!!!

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:47 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

The OW called my WH baby. I always called him that. When I find myself doing it on accident, I cringe. He probably called her that too.

He always said "love ya" to her as well. He knows to never say that to me again. She told him "I love you." They are both hard to take.

It's not petty at all about the "Princess" issue. You'll have to decide how to handle your name now that you feel like he ruined it for you.

I have the same name as OW. It's not a common one. I am now using the Italian version, like my Dad used to call me.

Also, WSO and I have always called eachother "hon". During his A, he got mad at me for calling him hon. I didn't find out until later that OW made a snide remark when she heard him call me "hon". Even though we are back to saying it, it's ingrained, I still am reminded of the negative connotation of the A "hon".

I read in my WW's online "diary" how she felt when she was on her knees "servicing" him and he was telling her what to do and calling her by a common shortened version of her name.

I've called her that from time to time *(not specifically during sex, just day to day)since we met and you can imagine how I feel sometimes when I realize I've called her that. Sometimes I say it and don't realize or think about it and other times I call her that and I have a moment.

One thing I've come to understand, the AP is often a "fantasy version" of the BS. There are many aspects of my wife's A that I have come to understand were because the OM was a "substitute me". She wanted "me" but an attentive version of "me". The OM was a target for her delusion, like she was projecting her fantasy of what I would be if I was "better" onto him.

I know this from my own experience, having had an EA with a co-worker. When I really looked at the OW I realized that I didn't really like her that much and that she simply reminded me of my W. It was a delusion. A projection of my own stupidity and a careless immature response to my despair in my marriage. She became almost a substitute for my wife, but without the "baggage" that comes with marriage.

I think because of this "projection" concept, many cheating spouses use pet names for their AP that they normally used with their BS, as part of the whole delusion and fantasy whereby the AP is a "better" version of their spouse.

I don't at all think the AP was a 'better version' of me. Maybe younger, but not better. I am smarter, I am kinder, I am faithful, I have self-respect, I am considerate, I do not trash other people's lives to build my self-esteem. I do not encourage people to lie or deceive the people who love them. The AP was not 'better'. If anything - and I mean this sincerely, not disparagingly against her specifically - he felt like she was low enough that she could actually look up to him. He did not like who he was at the time of the A, or in the years leading up to it. He felt there was nothing in him worthy of respect. He actually felt like he wasn't 'good enough' for me, and that at his very worst he was still the best man she had ever known.

Plain....I so feel your last post!!! Thank you

My WH referred to me as 'baby' when I saw that they referred to each other as 'baby' too I made him change the nickname.

He even had to rename the nickname we used for 'sex' as he used that with her too.

AP communications with my H revealed a deliberate attempt to imitate my hobbies, interest, and special things I did for him. But no one can beat me being me . Obviously they aren't interesting enough within themselves to seek available mates so I'm just not going to stop doing anything I find pleasurable or enjoyable with my H.

AP proved their value by settling for so little and our mates sealed the deal by throwing them under the bus. The AP apparently is like a vampire when exposed to daylight, so puff. The vampire wants your life blood and the OW wanted my life.

Oh AP was 15 years younger but life has not been kind to her. I am not threatened by a younger model! I am comfortable in my own skin.

I bring my own flavor and apparently others thought it was so good they tried to imitate me. AP had nothing...just my left overs.

That totally sucks.

Last night I received confirmation that the OW never really had a chance....

My hubby whispered in my ear when I was finally falling asleep at 4 am this morning (horrible night unfortunately ) no on gives me more strength, love and caring then you do.

Take that you stupid venomous spider!!!!!!!

See, over in New Beginnings while dating, I prefer to be called by my first name.

I don't want to be one of many Sweetie/Babe/Honey/Pooh Bears that he's texted that week.

Perspective(s) and Trigger(s) can and do change.

My name and the OW's name are also "cousins." Mine is French; hers is the Italian version (but pronounced in the American way--so ugly). I REFUSE to give up my name. When my 17-year-old daughter found out about the A, she said the similarity in our names made it seem like a soap opera. :( It just adds more fuel to the "how could he?" fire.

The OW also took my birthday away from me--not because we share the same day but because they were together on a business trip and were intimate that day. When he texted me "happy birthday," I wonder if she was next to him in bed. Horrible mind movies with that one.

Changing my b-day--for him only--was one thing I COULD change and we celebrated it yesterday. We are on a limited income, but he bought me appropriately thoughtful and lovely gifts--proving he HAS been noticing what I do and don't like, what I do and don't need, what would be practical but unique, too. There may be hope for him yet.

I don't at all think the AP was a 'better version' of me. Maybe younger, but not better. I am smarter, I am kinder, I am faithful, I have self-respect, I am considerate, I do not trash other people's lives to build my self-esteem. I do not encourage people to lie or deceive the people who love them. The AP was not 'better'.

EXACTLY! This totally resonates with me, I could have written it word for word.

As for the "Princess" thing, that is HORRIBLE and I am so sorry, I would have an absolute conniption if I found that WH was calling The Troll "Hun" (his pet name for me) Seriously.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

the pet name thing is one that still upsets me...H never called me a pet name, but had one for her that was used in all emails and im's.. I asked , Why did she deserve something special just for her and I get nothing like that from you? ( i have one for him , but none for me from him ) You never had a nickname for me and we have been together years...still have no good answer though he made one up a few months later after i confronted...pffftt, who cares now, when I had to ask for it, it wasnt something you "wanted " to do for me, only her....so i hate pet names now...

TxsT- sorry you had a bad night. Your post yesterday gave me and my H a lot to talk about yesterday, so thanks again. . . Thanks for sharing your story.

And when my H says sweet things like yours did last night, I try to remember to write them down so I can look at them in times of need.

I don't at all think the AP was a 'better version' of me. Maybe younger, but not better. I am smarter, I am kinder, I am faithful, I have self-respect, I am considerate, I do not trash other people's lives to build my self-esteem.

Of course the AP is NEVER better than the BS!!!! The thing is, that a lot of the time what draws the WS to the AP is all the same things they like about the BS. Sort of like the saying "Imitation is the Sincerest form of Flattery". The AP is an "imitation" or "knock off" version of the BS. Definitely NOT better!!!!

I'm not surprised at all about what RippedSoul said about her name and the OW's name! Again, keep in mind her WS ended up with an imitation, not the original and not as good!

Nothing was sacred - that pretty much sums it up. Not one damn thing I can think of wasn't violated - she willingly shared everything that was ours with her AP, even our most intimate things. Even the pet names of our adult toys. Nothing kept it's value during her affair, or was worth keeping pure to her.

There IS nothing sacred.

When I found out about WH's conversations, I was ANGRY. We couldn't even have a conversation because I was just yelling.

Then I read one of his e-mails where he joked with another women about asking her to marry him. My heart broke (we had just gotten engaged at the time). He utterly RUINED those words for me. All of the anger and hate just...went away. I just felt sad. That was worse than being angry IMO.