SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

there were lots of nuances about what worked and what didn't to push my buttons in the right way. When he said "I like that dress" it came across as self centered and judging in a bad way, but "you look great in that dress" it conveyed that he was finally seeing ME. There was a lot of struggle and confusion about this as we worked it out--it took a while before I could really identify and articulate what was going on.

So when your wife asks for flowers (as in PhantomLimbs example), you may think, "Well that's silly, I do x and y and z (your LL things) to tell her I love her". And because they are your LL things x, y and z seem large, and buying flowers seems small." Small things have a way of seeming unimportant, dismissible, petty, and since you don't understand the need for them, they are dismissed. And since the actual act of buying the flowers is small, and actually very easy to do (I mean, you were already at the store, had to walk right passed them in the produce section), but you chose not to buy them anyway way, you end up 'speaking' volumes to your W. she hears, "Your needs are small, petty, dismissible, unimportant; invalid.

if spouse brings back flowers from the grocery or favored snacks or a show to watch together those are not seen as gifts (I've actually seen grocery store flowers derided regularly on this very forum) but as failures to provide.

We've talked a lot about GIVING of self, and touched on problems RECEIVING gifts and affection.

Not much talk about resilience.

No doubt, rejection is painful. I wonder how often we have the emotional intelligence, as BostonGirl says, to "identify and articulate what was going on."

And for the partner to listen, learn ... and try again.

I'm sorry, I can't think of anything to say that won't be for humor value and I can tell you are upset so I'll just stop there because I don't want it taken the wrong way. I'm sorry you were treated so badly and glad you are in a better place now. Hope you have a good weekend.

If you end up married to someone who wants to parent or control you into the equivalent of a kudo- dispensing blow-up doll without your own personality and authenticity, then punish you when you go off the script they've written for your place in their life, I'm thinking your best bet is just to bail.

I've got a job. When my relationships start to look like jobs, they stop being interesting and just become more work.

I think emotional needs being met by your spouse is an important factor in achieving full happiness in a marriage, -an enhancement, -an expectation, but should not be labeled as THE main problem/excuse/reason for having an affair. You can work on it, but don't treat it like it the main broken switch.

My emotional needs were not met either, by my spouse, however, I did not cheat. Upholding my commitment to my wife, my marriage, my kids, my family, and to myself was more important than procuring emotional needs from an outside supplier. Instead I compensated through my hobbies (which were limited) and my children. I was content, but not at full happiness, but still committed.

The more I gave during the marriage, the more my wife wanted and expected. Her emotional needs was a black hole. This was the problem.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:09 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

Ajacent to the post is a plea by Andthencraigslis:

Tell her she is beautiful, it has been too long. Tell her she is sexy, I mean isn't she? Tell her how her smile lights up your world, you remember don't you, when you couldn't wait to see her? Bring her some flowers. Kiss her like you mean it. Make out in the car like teenagers, hold her hand. ... It might take a little effort, you may have to open your heart.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=505109

Sounds like she very much has emotional needs.

I hope her H makes the effort, even if re-learning romance feels like a "job."

My emotional needs were not met either, by my spouse, however, I did not cheat.

That speaks to resilience.

How do we gently approach our partners to ask for more?

How do we gently approach our partners to ask for more?

Its a bonus not a requirement, like frosting on a cake. Let it be known what you like, don't demand it, as it should come naturally through knowledge and communication when else is well. Work on the else, then frost it.

[This message edited by still-living at 9:03 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

During and after the affair, my wife was a black hole of need -- not surprising. She was getting twice as much male attention as a faithful woman would: two men occupied with pleasing her.

That stopped being true when she had begun to heal and remember how to self-soothe. I'd caution anyone thinking about emotional needs in the aftermath of infidelity to recognize that how you feel about your spouse's needs right now is temporary.

The fact is, as a new BS, you probably don't give a shit about their needs--and frankly, they've been double-dipping for however many months or years and should have some fat stored up to sustain them through the lean months ahead.

In general, with regards to needs, having them, and meeting them in non-crisis relationship modes, UOPretty much said everything I,d say, so I'm just going to say WUOS.

BTW, I hate typing on the iPad, and I hope UO doesn't run over me with a muscle car for appearing to have called her UOPretty in my previous post.

I just assumed you were sleep deprived due to the oh-so-recent infestation of rugrats.

How do we gently approach our partners to ask for more?

By letting go of control of the outcome and understanding expectations rarely, if ever, line up with reality - and establishing the fortitude to observe and respect our own boundaries.

eta:

I have Pretty Marines stuck in my head now so I blame wal for this t/j:

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:45 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

Wow, there are a lot of words in this post. I just read all of them and I now need either a nap or a margarita.

I think for me the important take-away is the hole in the bucket concept. If you're not playing with an emotionally healthy partner, the normal rules don't work. If you yourself (yes, even as a BS) aren't a healthy partner, the normal rules don't work.

I now realize that I spent a lot of time doing what StillGoing mentioned that his wife did - assigning my own interpretation to my husband's words, assuming I knew what he was thinking about me (and it was ALWAYS the worst). If I was walking around assuming that he was thinking I was an ugly troll, of course his lack of compliments hit me harder.

I just realized I don't really have a point. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Woah. Tell me the Pretty Marines are a real product that I can buy over the Internet. I now have a 5 y.o. Girl, so I'm in the market for badass girl toys.

Well you just take regular space marines and paint them purple & pink with hearts.

You might prefer these wal:

Also, I apologize for going there and will resume responsible co-habitation of this thread with the appropriate levels of solemnity and grimness. If I can. Sorry.

Loving the Boo Boo Cat soldiers (Hello Kitty is "Boo Boo Cat" in our house, thanks to the HK band-aids I bought when my little one was even more little than she is now).

I just stumbled upon this blog. It's relevant to the discussion and I wanted to share.

http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/06/26/how-a-chocolate-chip-bagel-almost-ruined-my-marriage/

That blog said it exactly, Jana. Big different between pleasing someone and loving someone. I loved the music analogy the counselor used, as well as the bagel story. Like UO said - when one partner thinks of the other and is caring to them, that's the real gift.

JanaGreen, I don't have a point, either, but:

I now realize that I spent a lot of time doing what StillGoing mentioned that his wife did - assigning my own interpretation to my husband's words, assuming I knew what he was thinking about me (and it was ALWAYS the worst).

Ditto.

"Unmet needs" is the clarion call of the irresponsible, the uncommitted, and those full of excuses.

It is up to you to meet your own emotional needs - not your spouse, fiancé, girl/boy friend, or anyone else.

Emotionally, if you are incapable of standing on your own, then you are a classic self-loathing codependent who seeks happiness and SELF-worth in OTHERS and because so, are guaranteed to NEVER be happy and NEVER have self-worth.

Getting the "my needs weren't being met" line from a WW is truly rich.

This isn't rocket surgery.

You really don't need 2 analyze it any deeper than that. Because, people don't have affairs because of unmet needs, they have affairs because they don't protect their marriages from their own susceptibility 2 temptation.

Even in marriages not dealing with infidelity, it's NOT your spouse's responsibility 2 meet YOUR so-called emotional needs (which is an oxymoron). The best marriages are between 2 emotionally healthy individuals who come 2gether because they want 2 share themselves with their partner - not "complete themselves" with them.

Your wife made an excuse 2 make herself feel better for leaving you. You are better off.

-ol' 2long

[This message edited by 2long at 10:24 PM, August 16th (Friday)]