SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know, I know, yet another thread on contacting the OW...

It's been 5 months and I have never contacted her. I still think about it though. I wouldn't even be interested in telling her off (well, of course I'd be interested, but I wouldn't). I just want to ask her if she slept with H or not. I know that I either trust H or not, but that part of me that needs to know for sure just can't seem to go away for good.

Of course I worry that she'll get some weird ego boost if I contact her and it has stopped me for this long.

He's terrified of me contacting her. He says it's because she can be a nasty piece of work. But what if it's because she has information I need?

Some lie, some don't.

The trouble with people who you can't trust is that you never really know.

Don't contact her. You can't trust what she says anyway, even if she is telling the truth. Plus, your H's behavior is telling me that he is NOT being honest.

I think so, especially if they were completely knowledgable they were messing with a married man. I view the OW's in my case as selfish asshats who only cared about themselves. Why else would they potentially destroy a family? I know the second OW wanted my H all to herself and I could never believe a word of what she says.

Of course they do not ALWAYS lie. Some of them are remorseful. Some of them may be on this site and be done with their lies.

But the one you are likely referring to is probably not one on this site, even so, I am not one to paint them all with one brush and assume that all will lie when asked details about a past A.

So, if you decide to contact her, and she agrees to meet with you, I would try to go with some known facts that she would not know that you know. I would start the conversation there and that way, based on whether her answers are consistent with what you already know to be true, you can make a better guess as to whether what she will tell you is likely to be true.

In my own case, I talked to the Whore enough to realize that everything out of her mouth was a lie and I would never get information from her. But I talked to one of the OW from my first M, and I believed what she told me and believe she made some attempt to be honest with me.

But even with the lying whore that I had to deal with, I'm glad I got to see first hand that she is a lying whore rather than just "assuming" it because I don't want to believe there is anything good about her.

Eliminate the problem and have WH take a poly. Parking lot confessions are not uncommon at all, and they are often just the tip of the iceberg as to what would be discovered during a poly anyway. If he refuses and makes a big deal about it, then you have your answer. If he doesn't go through with it for any reason, then you have your answer.

I guess "always" wasn't the right word. All people are capable of telling the truth if they want to! I do believe in some cases that OW's are extremely naive or hurt people (like when you hear betrayed people becoming the other person). I just don't think it's the case in my situation. On her facebook page, she has a rant telling off an old boyfriend for not telling her he had a girlfriend.

I don't know how we'd afford a polygraph. We've been through a rough time and even now, we sometimes have to scramble to get grocery money together for the week. I guess when I get a job we can start saving. Of course H is worried about how accurate a poly would really be. Again:

He still insists there was no sex, and I've been resisting getting tested for std's. But today I bit the bullet and made an appointment. I guess it's causing me some stress today. I haven't felt this anxious for a while now.

I don't believe in polygraph results. From what I have read, at best they are 93% accurate. And the only reason they are that accurate is because of the "parking lot confessions" and other acts related to the fact the person taking the test may believe the test will know. so therefore they are more likely to tell the truth.

So I can't deny they work for the positive for many who believe they work.

I personally, trust the method of guaging how honest someone will be when you engage them in a conversation where you know some facts that they don't know you know. Of course that method is not going to be perfect either, but it is a lot cheaper than a lie detector test.

Red flag, when he is already questioning results of a poly. He isn't tell you the whole truth....you can take that to the bank. I would watch him carefully to see if A has actually ended. Keep investigating, believe what evidence you find and only half belief what is coming out of his mouth.

Ahh, so your husband is claiming it was only an 'emotional' affair and your gut is telling you he's lying?

The OW's loyalty (as ridiculous as it sounds) lies with her xMM, not with you. Most can't be counted on to tell you the current wheather, much less an intimate truth. Lastly, the chances are very high she'll either ignore you, contact HIM and whine that you're "harrassing" her, tell you whatever lie he told her to tell you should you come looking for answers, or give you that standard crap answer, "ask your husband" because they don't have the intestinal fortitude to own their own shit.

So she's a dead end.

HOWEVER, since hubby seems to be witholding some truths from you, I highly advice you schedule him for a polygraph test. Yeah, he'll tell you they're a bunch of bunk and can't be used in court and all that nonsense, but when it's HIS butt wired up to it, he'll sweat like they all do.

Seriously, consider a poly. Google "polygraph testers + your town" and call some of the testers returned in your search. Testing is usually around $500.

Lastly, don't be surprised the morning of the test or as you're leaving to get a sudden 'confession' from him. When they know the jig is up, they start singing like a canary.

Good luck to you.

They both lie. WS lies to you and AP, AP lies to them as well as you. The circuit is complete. Why should the AP change after DDay. Hopefully the WS will work at not lying to get their BS back, but he AP has nothing to gain at being truthful to you.

In the only 10 minute face to face with OW I had, she lied to me about things I had already checked on and discovered. Some were tiny little things that did not matter. If she lied about little things I knew she would lie about the biggies. What a piece of work. Have I mentioned she is a seminary grad with ministry background?

In my case, both of the ones I confronted lied. I shouldn't have been surprised, but somehow I was. Somehow, I thought that when these women, these "sisters" heard my pain, they'd be sympathetic, remorseful? I don't know. But I couldn't have been more wrong. It only opened me up to more pain.

My H's OW told me "I thought you were just his kids mom...I didn't know you were in relationship." Which is believable because married people will lie and say they're single...it happens..then he shows me texts where he clearly stated that he was married but things were rocky. SO if she lied to me about that, what else would she lie about? I didn't give her the opportunity.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

1. He really doesn't want you to contact her.

2. He's afraid of a polygraph.

My bet? He's lying. He has not given you full disclosure.

How is he actively working his SA program?

He seems to be doing all of the right things. I've detached pretty well, though of course I'm still very much on my guard.

I don't know how much I should separate his issues. The EA was off and on for 5 years. He also admitted to setting up a meeting with a prostitute, which he still claims he cancelled before going. He also has webcam, chatting and porn addiction. He goes to all of his meetings, has started working on his steps and talks to other SA's in his group daily. He says he's really really telling me everything.

I'm just so tired of all this.

And I'm sorry to everyone who's had a bad experience when confronting the OW. Salt, meet wound... :(

I don't think they always lie. I believe, however, that they know exactly where to put emphasis or exaggerate to make things particularly painful for the spouse who is already in a great deal of pain.

You can't treat them as friends because a friend has your best interest at heart. You don't know what his/her interest is other than to further his/her own interests.

Understand that when you talk to the OP, you are giving them legitimacy and importance. If they were the nothing you are trying to tell them they are, you wouldn't feel the need to talk to them.

I want the whole truth about everything that happened between my husband and the OW but getting it from the OW is the last thing I will ever try to do. The short time she was with my husband is a drop in the bucket over my 27 years and children with him. If anything, she should want to know what he's been doing with me all these years. :)

LIE...... They lie to themselves, to their family, friends and husbands, their AP, and everyone in their world!!! They are pathetic skanky losers!! JMO!!!

Hell, they lived a lie being in the a. Why on earth would you think the ow would tell you the truth.

However, I do believe there are a very few who would tell the truth due to guilt and remorse. With that said I would still have trouble believing an op either way.

I never really encourage someone to contact the OW, but I dont know, in your case maybe it would help.

But, I would almost trick her in a way of telling you the truth so she doesnt try to lie in her answers.

If you call and tell her "I think my H is lying that you didnt have sex" if she really is a piece of work that he claims she may say they did even if they didnt.

But, if you call and say something like "I have scheduled my STD testing even though my H claims you guys always used protection, do I have anything to be worried about?"

There is a good chance you will get "oh, trust me I am clean" or "Yeah we used protection (or didn't), or "We never had sex, thats stupid he said that"

It truly sounds like you are not getting the truth from him.

Sadone...say you do ask her and she says yes...you still don't know if its the truth. If she says no, same thing. You won't.know anymore for sure than you do now. It will just give you more b.s. to process.

I wanted to do the same thing. Just ask, but my sister talked me out of it and I'm so glad she did.

Thanks everyone. I'm back to 'I'm never going to talk to her' mode. It feels much more peaceful than worrying about what she's going to say.