SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Waywards feel free to respond too!

So basically title of the thread, what techniques, words of wisdom resonated with you?

No matter how silly, sexual etc it is!

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This is fantastic! I hope people keep adding to this as I at the very least have found this really inspiring!

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:04 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

What made all the diference for us was he explained to us how our anger was generated by fear. Once we were able to get down to the ugliness of the fear, our fights became much less frequent and rational. Progress finally became possible.

That is great! Going to print these out and put them on the walls!

Our MC told us last week that successful marriages are based on humility. Both partners have to be equally willing to let go of pride, both during disagreements and when one partner is unhappy with something the other is doing (or isn't doing). That seems so simple but it really changed the way I think about things. Now instead of trying to convince him to see my point of view, I worry more about making sure he can tell I care *despite* the fact that there's a conflict or problem. It has really improved the dynamics of our relationship in a short period of time.

Our MC recommended we each take IC and recommended a separate specific IC for my wife. My wife's IC was awesome.

My therapist told me that it's not a good predictor of success in a marriage if you can only be happy if the other person changes. (Probably why there is so much limbo in R -- we're all waiting for the other person to change/make an effort.)

Or, written another way, a M is only is strong as its weakest link.

Our MC/IC was the same person. He has been exponentially the best decision we made in this whole process!

To me he said

- think of what makes you feel safe and ask for it. I do this every day and I will continue to remember this and ask for what I need for the rest of my life

- the mountain you have to climb will be as big as you make it. The time it takes to get to the top is irrelevant. take slow, easy but meaningful steps and look back often. Each step has something to teach you and make both of you better people.

To my husband he said:

- you are grieving for the person you thought you had been before the A. Now you must work hard to figure out exactly what man it is you really want to become.

The single biggest turning point in my healing process was when, in IC, my T commented on how different my energy was when my H wasn't in the room with us. How animated, passionate and strong I was. That made me stop in mid sentence and realize I was no longer a victim, that the person I had been before was still inside me. It gave me the courage to go home and calmly tell my H that if he wasn't going to put as much effort into R and into self discovery as I had been then I was now able to walk away....return to what I wanted to do before I met him. My calmness has remained with me since that day. To know I could do this without my H was liberating.

Lastly.....the best skill our MC gave us was how to stop sounding like a broken record when we tried to discuss things. He showed us how to communicate through our feelings rather then our defence mechanisms that were created in childhood. Showing us who we were and how we got that way and how each of our defences worked or didn't work together was incredible. Seeing our dysfunction in a simple drawing on the white board was life changing for both of us. Seeing it together, in the same MC session was priceless.

We will now go to a MC session every year just to revisit how we need to treat each other and speak to each other about what we feel inside. We no longer hold anything back. If we feel it we tell it to each other. No more hidden resentments for us.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:45 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

Seeing our dysfunction in a simple drawing on the white board

TxsT, is this a generic tool/diagram/drawing that could be shared here, or is specific to your M?

The MC drew a picture of two people using round circles. One was me and was was my H.

Individually he asked us to describe ourselves in words....ie

Passionate, loyal, perfectionist, hard worker, people pleaser.

Then he asked a few questions based on our past experiences in life. The questions were based on IC sessions about how we grew up, what our family life was like, how we interacted with our parents, sibs, etc. he wanted to know how we felt about each relationship.

Ie.....anger at H, resentment for a father who was mentally abusive, hiding your feelings because you lived in a house where feelings were never discussed.

Then he showed us how the feelings and barriers that were caused by our past helped us become who we were and how we dealt with things

In my case my perfectionism was developed as a coping mechanism to disarm my fathers constant barrage of verbal abuse that I was stupid, dumb, unworthy. I thought, as a child, that if I was perfect at everything he would stop saying those things to me or had no reason to say them.

Then with all the "parts" on the board of who each of us were he told us and showed us how our dynamics together worked. Trust me when I say is was amazing to see. I could see exactly how, through my husbands parts board, the affair has started and why he was able to do what he did. It no longer was about me at all but about the way he had grown up, the environmental issues he faced as a child and what his biggest fears in life were. It also let us both know how the other person reacted when we behaved in the same manner as say our fathers had towards us when we were little.

I tend to repeat myself because I thought what ever I said was never heard by my father. He buries his feelings deep inside because he was taught not to bring them up. OMG this was liberating.

We still have our individual parts diagrams and refer to them often either on our own or together. When I have something very important I want to discuss with my H now I pull out his parts board and figure out how he might react and what might be the best way to approach what I had to say so I didn't bring parts into the equation.

T

We did a circle thing- 3 circles-

1. Who we are

2. Who we want to be

3. Who we actually are

Counsellor said they should be completely centred/overlapped but most people are slightly off.

One that's stuck with me is when things were getting a bit heated and counsellor said "look, she's gone through the door and it's locked behind her- she can't go back. Now it's up to you if you want to pick the lock, it will take effort from both sides. She needs to stay close to the door, no matter how uncomfortable it is"

I know it's silly but it's a good way to put it.

At one point, our MC turned to me and said:

"Before you agree to R, or try to work on R, you need to decide within yourself if what your partner did is forgivable, or not. Until you decide that, you won't be able to accept anything that he does. For some people, cheating is forgivable. For some people, it is not. You need to sit down and decide if you can forgive or not, and exactly what you need BEFORE we can discuss R."

That helped a lot. For a long time, I was unable to express what I needed for R, and that lead to WS feeling like nothing he did was good enough. He was right- he was trying, but since I didn't know what I needed, I couldn't express it to him. I just knew that what he was doing/giving wasn't what I was looking for.

A couple of things.

Since we are long married he wanted both of us to look at the totality of our marriage. Was this behavior thru out our marriage and we needed to figure out what was wrong in our marriage that made it weak so something like this happened.

Also about the anger and rage that I felt and still do at times. He told me no matter how angry I am and how much I raged at what has happened, it has happened and no matter how angry or raging I felt its not going to change and the anger and rage is hurting me and our chances to successfully R. That's not to say that I don't have a right to be angry but I cant let it become consuming which it was.

[This message edited by jjsr at 11:34 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

this is a great thread. Thank you for starting it.

this has been eye opening:

Before you agree to R, or try to work on R, you need to decide within yourself if what your partner did is forgivable, or not. Until you decide that, you won't be able to accept anything that he does. For some people, cheating is forgivable. For some people, it is not. You need to sit down and decide if you can forgive or not, and exactly what you need BEFORE we can discuss R.

but also this:

Since we are long married he wanted both of us to look at the totality of our marriage.

Our MC was fantastic. He told me, in front of the Doosh, "he just doesn't get it. I'm really sorry that this may take longer than it should."

Then, a few weeks later he told me this man was not going to change and D was probably a better option to save myself. Best advice he gave me!

Happiness is not a light switch; it can be experienced by focusing on what you do have, and not dwelling on what you don't.

The best thing my MC told us (mainly my WS) was that what I was experiencing as far as anxiety and panic goes, it was normal. I wasn't being dramatic, I wasn't trying to manipulate. It was because of HIS actions I was like this, and he could place NO BLAME on me. It wasn't until a trained professional told him this that he finally got it. He was angry at me for months, telling me I wasn't trying, I wasn't forgiving him quickly enough, I wasn't "bouncing back". He was accusing me and in turn making it all worse. It was at that moment that the MC faced WS and told him sternly this was ALL on him and his insecurities, did a light bulb finally go off for WS that he finally had to figure out what was wrong with HIM and quit trying to dissect me.

I am bumping this post because I think it is one of the most positive and helpful things I have read here all week. I want to keep it coming to the top so others can add their experiences.

Another great thing my MC said:

"At some point, whether the two of you are able to work things out or not, you need to get over the 'why' factor. There is never going to be an answer for why he cheated that is going to make sense or not raise more questions. You need to stop asking why because ultimately, does ir really matter? Is there any answer that he can give to the 'why' question that will make you say, 'oh, okay, in that case, it's fine,' or 'oh, that makes perfect sense, I get it.'? Stop focusing on the why. You are trying to find logic in the illogical. Instead of asking why, you should be focusing on the important questions: 'how do we move forward?' 'what do I need from him- if anything- in order to make this work?' 'how can I work on feeling better about myself?'"

That I will never have an acceptable answer to "why" (as mentioned) and that he will never be able to feel my pain.

Oooh this is my one:

Find a safe place outside of the home for conversations that could escelate to an argument, as we all have enviromental triggers.

Really loved that bit of advice!