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It seems to be the consensus that an apology is important.

I was wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it.

To be fair h has said, "I am sorry", "this was the biggest mistake I ever made", "I feel remorse".

I guess I am looking for that deep thoughtful apology, written would be fine. Actually I love the written word, then you can reread it when you don't feel so emotional.

I have asked why it is taking so long. I have expressed my need for this. It does get to feel humiliating to keep requesting things. I too feel if he really cared, really understood the pain I am in, I would not have to ask repeatedly. I wonder, if you see the person you love in pain, you have the ability to help, how can you not?

I find myself getting resentful. Wondering if he even thinks I deserve or am worth the effort. I do believe that it just makes him too uncomfortable.

MC at 8am, this is what I want to focus on.

I asked him this morning, "do you feel that you are doing enough?"

"no, never"

"what is holding you back?"

"working too hard, not enough time"

"do you understand my sense of urgency for relief from this pain?"

"yes, but I feel it will just be a natural progression"

"I don't agree"

blah blah blah

MC tomorrow, I fear that by the time he is ready to make an effort, I will no longer care.

I love him. I see changes in him. I need more. The bar has been raised and I now know how important my needs are.

He needs to show by action and word who he is now. He needs to prove to me that he deserves and appreciates the gift that I will give him of sharing my live with him.

I am just not the same anymore.

Thank you to everyone, you are my validation. You give me courage to care for me.

That is such an amazing gift.

Yes, it matters.

I have always gotten words from him. But, for me I need a letter. He has given me a few lines here and there in a card. Today he just posted a public apology on FB. And posted a sort-of apology on SI in the form of a letter telling the AP off(nearly a year after D-day)

It has made me feel better---so much better.

Remember the love languages. Find out yours and his. I think the apologies that work-need to coincide with our love languages. OHHH new post topic.

I never got a big grandiose apology. Actually about 4-5 months in I complained that I never even got an "I'm sorry". After that I did receive regular apologies when I was struggling.

I was always envious of the letters and the public statements and the apologetic preformances i have read about. But I saw the remorse in her eyes and in her actions. That is really where it counts.

My WH has given me the Heartfelt Apology many times and has followed it up with Heartfelt recovery actions.

It is helping, even 8 months in, WH still shows his remorse and willingness to stick it out until our M is fixed.

He even apologized to our parents, co-workers that saw his behavior, close friends and neighbors and my boss.

Still, his actions are the best healers.

when it comes to important things, I hate reminding.

I get this, my thought though was not so much about reminding him, but for her to take a step to DO something about this, and asking him is one way to get moving. By asking then we do not wonder where they are, we know (of course that means we get an honest answer) where they are and then we can choose what to DO from that point on, keep waiting, accept their excuses, draw a line in the sand, or say forget it and walk away, or ????

Grace

While she has said "I'm sorry" during some very triggery, tumultuous times, the one apology which mattered the most to me was the one where she explicitly listed out all the actions which hurt me the most. She did this in writing, as it's a long list, and she later posted it here on SI. I don't know if the thread is still active or not, but here's the link if you're interested.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=464492&HL=35722

While this is still very painful for me to read, I do go back and read through it when I'm feeling very low. It gives me perspective, and bluntly reminds me of the progress she has made.

What I would like to hear and haven't is an apology when we are having fun. I know that sounds strange. However, it would be so nice to hear him tell me how sorry he is that he would have missed this or that moment with me. That he made a huge mistake and risked that wonderful moment we are sharing.

After all it isn't like I am not thinking about the A even in those moments. It would be nice for him to acknowledge that he risked missing them.

This has nailed it for me!!!

I've been quite down lately - just come back from a fabulous holiday which wasn't without its own challenges for us - and I really couldn't/can't give specific reasons for why I'm on a down phase BUT wolf_heart - I think it's this!

My worst times do tend to come during or just after a major high or really good close time with my WH. It almost feels like I'm out to sabotage the good work that he's done (he has never said this, it's what I feel myself) BUT during those good times, as you've said, the A is still on my mind - it's like how can he have ever risked THIS!

I'm going to show him this particular post - perhaps it will help.

Thank you

[This message edited by UKlady at 9:05 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

Apologies come from my WW only when she's really backed against a wall and has no other excuses to throw at me.

I haven't gotten an out of the blue, sunshiney day at the beach kind of apology. I suspect she would find that so hard to do, it would ruin her day to do it.

Needless to say, my WW has rarely found herself at fault in this life and so apologies, real apologies from her heart, are not her specialty.

I did, and it helped tremendously.

First D-day, Wh refused to admit that he was doing anything wrong. He called his cyber cheating "interactive porn" and claimed he "had no idea" I would be upset about his behavior. There was no reasoning with him. He decided I needed to just get over it, and refused to take any responsibility for his behavior at all. His behavior got better, and then worse in waves. We would go a month and things were fine- then he would do something hurtful again.

Finally, in May of last year, I caught him cyber cheating again. I told him I was leaving and that I didn't know what his problem was but he shouldn't be allowed to treat people the way that he did. We took a break for a day, and he came over and apologized. He admitted all responsibility and promised to do whatever it took to build up trust in our relationship. His apology did help- without it, I don't know where we would be, if still together. But at the time, I told him that words are just words. Him SHOWING me that he meant what he said was what I needed.

How did MC go, cantaccept?

I got it, it meant nothing, he broke his wedding vows and my heart,

I mean really broke it, heartfelt sorry just felt empty, I felt nothing, now it's all about damage control and keeping my kids hearts intact.

MC was confusing?

MC seemed to be telling me to appreciate the changes and be patient.

He did also point out to h how to comfort me.

We will see.

I brought up apologies tonight again. He said maybe if he writes it will come.

It is so hard to try to be open to him when I always wonder what he really feels.

I sometimes feel that I have given in too easily, that I should have made him work harder before I let him move back in.

In retrospect, I did everything wrong for me. I demanded nothing except no contact.

Really tough week, these looming dates are killing me. I have been triggering like crazy. Cried in the Walmart parking lot today. Saw a woman that resembled ow driving the same car and I lost it.

I hope h will make some effort this week towards even just a small apology, just something to hang on to.

Tonight he told me when I trigger he just tries to distract me. I have told him what would help but he gets defensive. If he would read maybe I wouldn't have to tell him what helps.

This is just plain wrong.

For me today, I got a haircut, bought headphones for meditation and a tape. Also nice lotion and a new shirt. Spoiling myself.

If h has to work on Wednesday, our anniversary, I am going for a massage. I need all the good I can find this week.

[This message edited by cantaccept at 8:49 PM, August 19th (Monday)]