SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are right Amazonia....

I haven't given up on him yet...I think I'm just paranoid.

He mentioned a 2nd date WHILE we were on the 1st date...so I try to look at that as a good sign?

I'm just gonna try to keep playing it cool.

His text said he had a great time too and he liked the overlook I took him to. I responded by saying I'm glad he liked the overlook making a comment about what a great night it was for going up there and that I hoped his puppy didn't mind me stealing him away for an evening....

That was the last text.

::keeping my fingers crossed....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Okay.....so still no contact from Spanish doctor guy....

I thought about sending a witty one-liner text message to see if that gets his attention or do you think that would make me look sad and desperate? My sister says if I like him, I should just text him.... but I don't want to seem pushy or pathetic...

Thoughts?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

SO...my best friend thinks I should just send him a text and put it all out on the table and ask him outright if he is interested in me and if not....if I should move on?

Why does the thought of this make me sick to my stomach??

DON'T do that.

You've already learned his schedule is insane at times. There's a million reasons why he hasn't responded.

Wait it out, Shelly.

AJ's MOM

Okay.... I will wait it out. I'm just frustrated. He's been on the dating site every single day several times a day since our date...so I know he has time to text me or contact me if he wanted to... so it just makes me weary.

I need to stop being so anxious all the time... I should be bald by now!

just send him a text and put it all out on the table and ask him outright if he is interested in me and if not.

WOAH! If I got a message like that after ONE date with someone, I'd run for the hills.

Shelly, where'd that chill pill go?? Girl, step away from the phone, stop looking at his profile on the online dating site to check when he was online last, and just breathe!

You are better than waiting for the phone to ring (or beep, or whatever sound is set up for your text alert). This is the part where you gotta remember that dating is an accessory, not an outfit. Go do something else that you enjoy, and STOP thinking about him.

Note: Stop thinking about him =/= give up on him (keyboards really need a "not equal to" button). It just means stop obsessing, and live your life instead of making a guy you have met ONCE into your life.

I know.....and I totally agree about what my best friend said! I said the EXACT same thing to her that it would make me run for the hills if I got a text message like that and I am just not a direct person anyways!

I know the right thing for me to do is be patient and hope for the best and if he isn't interested, move on. I think right now I'm just feeling a tad discouraged. It seems like every time I actually start to like a guy and see potential....that he doesn't feel the same way. It makes me question everything about myself. It makes me pick myself apart.... and I hate feeling that way.

I hate that "I'm not good enough" feeling. I just want someone to reciprocate interest in me for once. Its very disheartening to see my XWH and sperm donor having the time of their lives and being happy in all of these relationships and I can't seem to meet even one person.

I wish that I could learn to be more guarded and not wear my heart on my sleeve the way I do. I tend to jump BOTH feet in and all that does is cause me to practically drown myself....

I'm gonna have to figure out a more "dipping the toe" in approach and maybe force the walls to go up I suppose. Its just not a natural feeling for me. Even after all I have been through.

What really annoys me is that I was fine by myself....and content with my life... but once I got a taste of what it was like to spend time with an interesting and charming member of the opposite sex, I got drunk on missing that companionship. Missing having someone to share my life with. Grrrr...... I just need to take 10 steps back please....

I think right now I'm just feeling a tad discouraged. It seems like every time I actually start to like a guy and see potential....that he doesn't feel the same way.

And you too will feel this way at times.

This isn't about you not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.

You're writing a story here without any truth.

Now knock it off!

I know.... I think I'm going to mentally write him off for now. If he contacts me in the next few days.....it will be a nice surprise....but for now, so I don't drive myself insane looking at my phone and hoping like some pathetic teenage girl, I need to make some mental closure and assume "He's just not that into me if he isn't calling me"...

And, that's okay. I want someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs....

Shelly,

Couple things to keep in mind:

1) if you want to date a dr or medical person - you should realize that the periods of contact/no contact might be "par for the course." I don't know what kind of dr he is... but my SO works in an ER and this was exactly what he was like in the beginning stages of our courtship. I honestly believed for a long time that he was "not that into me" and in reality he could not text or call sometimes for long periods because he didn't even keep his phone on him or was working super long shifts or took 3 day rotations or some crazy schedule. You just don't know. Sometimes in hospitals - the phones don't work way down in the lower floors too.

2) Some dating sites will show someone as "online now" or "online in the last 24 hrs" even if they just open up an email/wink/whatever that they got from someone on that site. If he shows up as "online" that DOESN'T mean he is actively going online and searching for new dates. He might be getting emails and opening them up which would trigger him as being "active" and honestly, so what? He isn't exclusive to you so I would expect him to be checking out his emails and messages. You should be too.

3) Remember that the culture of many European men is different than US born men. I personally feel they are more....relaxed, fewer rules, chilled out, not going to be held to an "I will call you" kind of thing, but that is just my personal opinion/experience.

You had a great time. Relax.

He will either call or he won't but you should definitely NOT contact him again. He knows how to reach you, he hasn't forgotten how.

I hate that "I'm not good enough" feeling. I just want someone to reciprocate interest in me for once. Its very disheartening to see my XWH and sperm donor having the time of their lives and being happy in all of these relationships and I can't seem to meet even one person.

Shelly - There's work to be done here. Comparing yourself and your life to damaged people in your rear-view mirror? Feelings of worth derived from someone you've just met?

You are a smart person and you know better than this, so why are you going "there?"

He will either call or he won't but you should definitely NOT contact him again. He knows how to reach you, he hasn't forgotten how.

I definitely will NOT contact him. In fact, I deleted our text message string so I'm not even tempted to now.

You are a smart person and you know better than this, so why are you going "there?"

I think this has just triggered me somehow. I'm a very emotional person by nature and I don't shield my heart the way I should.... and it makes me very vulnerable when I open up. I'm still working on myself in IC.... and even though my therapist says that me being a very sensitive person is not a bad thing.....I kinda beg to differ sometimes.....

Being sensitive/emotive and letting your self worth falter because a guy doesn't call are two really different things. I think the first is a strength, but the second is something you want to continue to root out and work on.

My bestie and her H told me, "cmego...you are a great catch...but you suck at dating." Which is the truth. I don't get the cues, I guard myself, I expect guys to be jerks, I write men off without giving them a chance. IRL, I am caring, sweet, intelligent and funny. I was a great wife, I am a great girlfriend, because I understand the boundaries. I knew/know what my role is and what to do. In dating...there are no rules and I need...rules. Therefore, I suck.

I spend so much time protecting myself, I don't let guys have a chance. I have cut several guys off at the knees at the first sign of something "off". "No man is going to hurt me again!".

I needed to swing back and stay in touch with my reasonable side and simply let things happen. Back in touch with the cmego that was pre-marriage.

I especially learned on OLD to really temper myself and my expectations of the process. I trained myself to expect the guy to not be interested, therefore not getting hurt if it turned out I didn't like them, or they didn't like me. In reality, there was only one that I would have dated again that didn't reciprocate. The others *I* didn't like.

So, it is a matter of examining why you are triggering, examining your own response to a situation you have no control over. Move on with your life, if he is "the one" it will happen. You cannot MAKE him like you. Either he does, or he doesn't.

As soon as I started talking/dating someone on OLD...I removed their profile. That way I didn't see if they were "on" that day. Just one of my tricks to keep me from worrying about a situation that is out of my control.

That makes sense. I think that he is the 1st one that I can "genuinely" say that I would have liked to have kept dating. Triathlon dad, I would have probably gone on a couple of more dates with to test the waters....but I didn't have the connection with him like I did with the Spanish doctor... I did really like him and thought it was reciprocated.

I just need to get better at taking this one date at a time. Its just hard I guess. I think that I will be much more guarded on my next date with the next guy.....and I hate that. I'm going to be a little gun shy.....

In dating...there are no rules and I need...rules. Therefore, I suck.

ME TOO.....

first of all - quit seeing potential. focus on what 'is' falling for potential in a guy or potential in a potential relationship is a slippery slope right into the sea of misery.

secondly spanish doctor's actions are speaking louder than his words. he's made time to check the dating site. he hasn't made time to contact you. listen to his actions

he's made time to check the dating site. he hasn't made time to contact you. listen to his actions

I know.... that's what my gut is telling me. I definitely wasn't born yesterday and I can tell that he's "just not that into me"

It is what it is.....and there is nothing I can do about it.

Shelly, believe me, I've been there. In fact, I see a LOT of myself in you. I think you need to work yourself up to a certain level of detachment when it comes to dating. I'm also the type to jump in with both feet first, but this time I'm proceeding with caution and it's working out for me so far.

Gosh....I feel so stupid right now lostmommy....I read what you wrote and teared up in my cubicle.....why am I crying? Why did I let this ONE STUPID GUY get to me!!??? But, I did.... I put myself out there and it didn't pan out...

I think we are always our worst critic... I keep asking myself... was I not pretty enough? Skinny enough? Funny enough? Was my house not clean enough when he picked me up and got a glimpse of it from the door? Was the distance too far? Was me being a single mom a problem? blah blah blah.....

I do need to take a more guarded approach.... I just have to figure out how to detach better....