SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((Shelly))) Don't cry! Breathe! You are a strong woman with a great personality, a loving mother, and a giving heart. If I remember correctly from your wedding dress color run pics, you're quite the package physically too! There isn't one part of you that isn't "enough".

I have had MANY poofers. I was talking to one guy for 5 months and one day he just poofed. He texted me a few weeks ago for no apparent reason and I basically gave him the cold shoulder. There's no explanation why poofers poof, but know this: IT IS NOT YOU.

We talk a lot about doing the 180 for ourselves when we're coping with a wayward. I think the 180 can be applicable in many other facets of life as well. Maybe you need to adapt it to conform to your dating needs. I'm not saying to act as if you're disinterested. But I think a healthy level of detachment is perfectly acceptable when it comes to dating because you don't want to go "all in" too soon. I'm guilty of this myself, so these words aren't just for you, LOL.

Hang in there, honey.

Thank you lostmommy...

I actually read an article today that says that rejection can also be a positive thing because it means that you are dating a higher caliber of men (or women) and you are putting yourself out there and taking risks and knowing your worth.

I know this is true for me because I'm seeking out highly educated men who have more of the total package instead of just going for appearance which in the past "athletic and cute" was my M.O. My therapist says I should try dating guys around my education level or higher (I have a masters)

The article said that rejection is to be expected when you do this because you are in a smaller more elite pool.... and to not get discouraged because if you were NEVER getting rejected, it would mean that you may have your standards too low and may not be dating the kind of men that you should be.

Both of the men that have poofed on me that I have kinda liked had PHDs... well educated.....busy.... and probably dating multiple women. I need to take all of that into consideration.

I'm just proud of myself for NOT contacting him again. I wanted to SO badly... but I'm not desperate. Just gullible I suppose....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:50 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I appreciate that you're looking at things like education and employment as proxy measures for a person's values of morality and work ethic and commitment. That is certainly ok to do, after all those things do tend to correlate. Sometimes.

But ... I have a Ph.D. And do you know what Ph.D. stands for? Piled high and deep

Seriously, I hope that was good for a least a little giggle from you to help you feel a bit better.

But ... I have a Ph.D. And do you know what Ph.D. stands for? Piled high and deep

Thanks Cayc! I needed that!

Gently....

Do you think you could have come across as needy or ready for a marriage proposal so to speak?

I'm sorry your heart is hurting over this man. I'm sure you fantasized greatly about a relationship with him. Do you think it's possible he read a vibe from you that said desperate or too eager or something along those lines?

I question that since you're really driving yourself crazy with self doubt after one date. You picked a busy man who doesn't live close to you and is from another culture. So many variables! It's hard to know what's really going on, but I just want you to think about how you are being perceived.

Not are you pretty enough, smart enough, clean enough, etc. because I'm sure you ARE all those things!

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 7:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I honestly don't think I came across as needy to him at all! We had great conversations.....we never talked about marriage or anything of those sorts. We stayed on normal topics about our families, hobbies, and interests. We laughed and had what seemed like a nice date!

I "thought" we both had a great time! I know better than to talk about wanting marriage or anything like that (and to be honest...I'm not in a huge rush for that anyways!)

I don't know what happened... but I've already decided to write him off. If he contacts me, I will re-evaluate how I feel at that time....depending on how much time he lets pass by that is

DOUBLE POST

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Are you multi-dating? Why are you so focused on this one guy?

Monday - you haven't heard from him since Friday so you assume he's going to poof. Then, you guys talk on the phone and all is well.

Tuesday - date goes wonderfully. He mentions that he wants to see you again.

Wednesday - you text him thanks and have small chit chat.

Friday - you've written him off as a poofer.

It's been one date. Why do you expect to have texts from him every day? He's got a career and a life. He's got other things going on. And so do you. You have your job and your daughter. Again, why are you so focused on him??

I forced myself to multi-date and exchange messages with multiple people at once to ensure I don't get too attached to one person. I posted on here about it after an awesome first date. I had high expectations and I wanted to jump into the relationship status very quickly...even though he told me that he wanted to go slow. He ended things shortly after. Looking back I can see my mistakes and I shouldn't have been so focused on him. It's cool though cuz we're still friends and probably better friends than we would have been if we made it to a couple.

Anyways, return the focus back to yourself and your life. If he likes you, he'll be in touch and things will go from there.

What little turtle said!

I didn't want to say this the other day-but this is EXACTLY why I deleted my profile from OLD. Every guy-no matter how hot and heavy he was, no matter how great the first date, no matter how interested he said he was/acted-poofed. Didn't matter what i did/didn't say/do.

Quite a few came sniffing around later and I ignored them. You can see how they're on the site but "busy" when you text. But up to that point the contact was steady. I think they're all trying to multi-date. I've told some I have no interest in being part of a harem. Despite what they say in their profile I think a lot are looking to screw around

The whole thing seemed artificial.

Ok - this is not to say that any of you shouldn't trust your gut on these things, but...

The indicator on OLD sites of when a member has been on the site or not really can't be trusted. All it tells is the last time a browser with the user's credentials "touched" the site.

So, a very likely way that someone could appear to be cruising an OLD site when he hasn't been is this: say he has multiple tabs open in the browser on his phone. One of those is a tab for the OLD site. To save time, since this is his personal device, he has let the browser save his login information and do auto-login.

So, sometime after that last tab was opened (could be hours, days, or even weeks), he uses the browser on his phone to do something else. In the background, that browser may refresh all the tabs, not just the one he has open. Or, if that was the tab he was using last in the browser, it comes up in that tab and automatically refreshes the page, even though all he does is open a different tab, or maybe even re-use the tab where the OLD site was.

Any of that will show as him having been active on the site. And there are a LOT more scenarios that can cause the same thing to happen.

I know when dealing with a wayward, a lot of times one will use the "last on" info at an OLD site to see if the WS has been trolling again. For a WS, that's legit, because it doesn't matter exactly when it happened - a WS should never be on an OLD at all, so the fact that he had a browser open and logged into an OLD at some point is good enough to know that he's been doing something he shouldn't.

For those actually dating, though, the only thing the "last active" tells you is that the person had a window open and logged into the site somewhere at that time - not if the person was actually doing ANYTHING on the site. Just that a browser with his credentials refreshed the site page.

All I'm saying is that the "last on" indicator on an OLD site is not a reliable piece of information.

shelly - I think the best advice you've gotten on here is to 1. not be so invested so quickly, and 2. date around a little. There will be plenty of time to go exclusive if that's the way a relationship starts going. But it needs to get to the stage of being a relationship first.

And one last thing - given what you've said about him and his schedule, I'm not necessarily convinced the guy IS a poofer yet. But that may not matter. What you need to think about is if this kind of thing is a deal-breaker for you or not. If he's going to be that busy with getting his career started, he may just not be at a place to start the kind of relationship you're looking for. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Relax. Have fun. Don't get too serious too quickly. Believe me - if the right one comes along, you won't have to question his intentions or wonder if he's worth continuing with or whatever.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 8:15 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Well....I still haven't heard from him as of this morning. He didn't seem to have any trouble texting me every day during the week last week and all day Monday and Tuesday before our date... but then only one text after our date (in response to my text) and then silence....

My gut is telling me he is doing the famous disappearing act.

In hindsight....maybe I had a few small red flags that could have told me maybe the date wasn't going as well as I thought it was. I know after dinner when I went to the bathroom....I had to wait for a girl to come out and I looked back and he was texting on his phone.... (I didn't think much of it at the time....but it could have been something?) Then after he parked at my house, he asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my door. This is a small thing....but I would think if a guy really likes you, he wouldn't ask....he just would. But...again....I'm over-analyzing.....

Little Turtle is right on! I wasn't multi-dating! I hadn't really talked to any other guys at the time of contact with him that I was really interested in except a few that lived WAY out of town that wouldn't be able to come in for a date anytime soon even if they were interested....and they had kinda fell off the radar I think due to the distance thing.... but I HAVE started talking to 2 new guys as of last night...on emails. I don't know where it will go...and at this point I'm just taking it very non-chalant and I'm going to attempt the multi-dating thing so I don't get too invested too soon. Whoever on here said that you have to have thick skin for OLD was right.....its a harsh and cold environment.... and you have to expect more frostbite than warmth....

I'm definitely not acclimated to this yet.... and I haven't decided yet if I will renew my subscription mid-September or not.... only time will tell.

you've got to REALLY change your mid-set. As women we tend to do this (yes - broad generalization) 1. great pre-date chatter - enthusiasm grows 2) fun first date...whoa! he may be the one! 3) start thinking about a future with this great guy.

instead try thinking 'hey, this has been fun. I think I could spend a couple more hours with this guy...second date would be alright. take your focus off finding a potential partner. Put your energy into spending time with someone who is good company. Fun to talk with? great.. think about a first date, nothing more. Great first date? OK - maybe a second date and if that's good decide if he's worth a 3rd date. Think date to date in the beginning... not first date to relationship. Don't even bother with that thought early on. All you're trying to do is see if the guy is worth a second date. It keeps the mental and emotional investment level waaaaaaay down.

I went out on lots of first dates that went well and were lots of fun that never led to second dates. When I quit thinking of dates as potential LTR partners, it took a lot of pressure of date nights and dating in general

You are having a vey normal emotional response to getting back into the dating scene! This isn't about him at all, it's about you, he is just the tangible element to what you are experiencing.

You aren't being clingy or necessarily attaching to this guy, you are probably dealing with your damaged self esteems response to a perceived "rejection." No contact after the first date can often be the hardest for women as its where you present all of yourself, looks, personality, mannerisms and mind therefore it's normal to start to doubt yourself in one or all of these areas. Don't! Who knows why people don't click, I've dated guys that are perfect, except it just wasn't there for me.

but I would think if a guy really likes you, he wouldn't ask....he just would.

I can honestly say that isn't always the case. I would ask just to be respectful.

As far as how much he texted the week leading up to the date versus afterwards my first thought was if this guy has any friends then they may have told him he was texting too much.

You are having a vey normal emotional response to getting back into the dating scene! This isn't about him at all, it's about you, he is just the tangible element to what you are experiencing.

You aren't being clingy or necessarily attaching to this guy, you are probably dealing with your damaged self esteems response to a perceived "rejection."

Thank you nolight... I think you are exactly right. I was actually quite aloof at first. He wanted to talk on the phone immediately and I was busy the night he asked me and asked if we could wait until the next day (of which he was fine) and sometimes he would be quite chatty and I would be short when I was at work. I was very nonchalant before we met (and I thought after....as I only texted him once after the date to thank him for the nice time)

But.... it is hard to be rejected. And, this is the 2nd time after a 1st date. I did question everything about myself that would cause a guy to not be interested in me. Its hard not to be critical of yourself in this situation. I obviously isn't want he was looking for.... and I Just have to accept that. But, it still doesn't feel very good.

I can honestly say that isn't always the case. I would ask just to be respectful.

As far as how much he texted the week leading up to the date versus afterwards my first thought was if this guy has any friends then they may have told him he was texting too much

Brandon, you seem sweet! Maybe the next guy will think like you! And, you may be right about the walking to my door part. He was probably just being respectful. But, I'm pretty sure he is blowing me off as far as contacting me. Still crickets.

I have been seriously thinking about taking my online dating profiles down. There are 2 guys that have been emailing me on there but I'm just not feeling it... and I think after this last poofer that maybe I need a break...

Does taking a break help you regroup?

In my opinion, one date followed by no contact is a good thing. One person didn't feel it; No Harm, No Foul.

If Dr. Gonzalo didn't like you Shelly, wouldn't it have been worse if he enticed you to sleep with him a few times before moving on down the road?

There are 2 guys that have been emailing me on there but I'm just not feeling it... and I think after this last poofer that maybe I need a break...

You haven't met them. How much do you expect to "feel it."

Gently, talk to your IC about dating EXPECTATIONS. Yours seem to swing wildly based on very little.

I feel like I've known him forever already....

I'm hoping that God purposely kept him busy so he could come to Virginia and meet the Southern redheaded belle of his dreams.... (namely me...)

Shelly, dear, while you may not do this in your dates, to us here on this board, you are projecting desperation. Yep, desperation. I know it. I was there. When I got my self-confidence all polished up and recovered my don't-give-a-shit attitude, suddenly men were falling at my feet. When you are in the nervous-no confidence stage, you may not think you are projecting desperation. But if you are putting your eggs in this one basket and feeling such angst over a few days of no-contact, boy, yes you are, lovie. Chill out. Go with girlfriends to watch a great movie. Take in an exhibition at the art gallery. Sing karaoke. Until we get a life, we have nothing to share with someone else. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. He should be the icing on your cake--not the entire three layers.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

I do things with my friends and see movies and hang out but for the most part my spare time involves my running since I don't have a ton of spare time being a single mom (with childcare and having a 13 month old).

I'm over the fact that this guy has poofed on me. It is what it is. Its officially been over a week and my hunch was right. He poofed. No one is so busy that they can't send you one text message in over 8 days. But, I'm okay with that. I never contacted him again and even though it may seem like I'm desperate, I can assure you that I am not. If I were, I would have tried to initiate contact with him again or would still be holding out hope that he might still contact me. I am not. I really think its his loss. I know I'm a good woman and have a lot to offer. We just weren't a match in his eyes and that is okay.

The right one will come along when the time is right and I've waited this long, so waiting longer won't make much of a difference to me!

Someone else on this thread hit the nail on the head. That 1st few times that you get hit with rejection in your NB no matter how long you have worked on yourself and have healed, still hurts and hits you kinda hard. It can be a shock to the system. But, I think its a right of passage and a learning experience. I'm going to take from it what I believe it was. It was proof that I have not lowered my standards and that I know that I'm worth finding a good man. If I never got rejected, I might be dating around the same level as my daughter's sperm donor. And, I certainly don't need a repeat of him! Rejection is a part of life and I learned from this experience that it is "okay" and that I will be okay! I'm going to be going into future dates a little smarter and a little more emotionally prepared and try to just enjoy them "one at a time!"

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]