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Divorce/Separation :
I do not know what to say to him....

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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

He sent me an email this morning telling me he has to travel ASAP for "work". I do not know if this is true or not. He asked me if his daughter (17) could stay with me while he is traveling. Her friends offered but he thought I would be a better choice. I do not know how long he will gone only that it will be at least the weekend. I like her and we are fine together but I have started packing up the stuff and he doesn't know. I know she will tell him and I don't want him to know.

What do you guys think I should do?

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456081
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ninebark ( member #24534) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Is this an ex or a boyfriend? Not sure of the background before I throw my two cents in.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6456091
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 6:44 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Married almost 5 years. Together a total of 13. Separated on June 25th. His OW is a woman he works with and travels for work with.

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456097
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 6:46 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Oh yeah I am gone from the house for about 11-12 hours a day and she only has school for 2 hours a day

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456100
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Very simple: "No; I have other plans."

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6456108
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ninebark ( member #24534) posted at 6:53 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

I would tell him that you don't feel it is appropriate for you to be her 'guardian' when she is going to be alone without supervision for such long periods of time. I have no idea what kind of teenager she is, but even the good ones can get into trouble from time to time...lol.

That and I would not be doing anything to make his life easier for him to spend time with his OW, as this is probably the case.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6456112
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 7:06 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

I feel guilty saying No. I feel bad for her but I just don't know

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456130
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GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 7:12 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Very simple: "No; I have other plans."

Ditto Sad.

Two questions:

1. Are you and WH still living in the same house?

2. Does his DD live with you guys?

If she doesn't live in your home full time, I wouldn't feel terribly guilty about saying no. He is the parent and it is ultimately HIS responsibility to make arrangements for his DD. I think he's got a giant pair to think it'd be ok to use you as a built-in babysitter while he goes off on a "business trip" likely with OW.

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6456138
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 7:37 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

I do not feel I owe it to him. The guilt stems from her. I have a good relationship with her and if we were divorced I would say sure no problem. Its this interim period where I am trying to not get sucked in and am putting distance between us.

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456182
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dmari ( member #37215) posted at 7:41 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Ugh ... tough decision. If you are away from home for 10 - 12 hours a day, then it would be irresponsible for you to accept responsibility for his child. If something should happen, do you have power of attorney?

posts: 2868   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2012
id 6456187
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GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 7:52 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Think of it from the 17yr old's perspective then.

Her friends (parents) have offered to let her stay there?

What 17yr old do you know would rather be with a step-parent (albeit one with which you have a good relationship), than hang out with friends?!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:08 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6456209
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Tearsoflove ( member #8271) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

How about:

"Since I am away from home a lot and already have plans in place, I cannot have her stay with me. However, please tell her that she can call me if she has an emergency while staying with her friend."

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

posts: 6078   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2005   ·   location: Southeast
id 6456280
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GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

^^Boom. Perfecto.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 2:50 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6456282
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 10:58 PM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Thank you for all the advice. I truly appreciate it

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456435
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 stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 5:55 AM on Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

My stepdaughter called and asked to stay with me. She said its only two nights because she has other stuff planned. it was thursday night and maybe sunday night so against all the advice I said ok. I figured its only a couple of nights.

Well I spied I wanted to find out if it is a romantic getaway. It wouldn't change my decision because she asked me and as I told you I already felt guilt because of her but wow was I not expecting what I found.

He booked an airline ticket to be gone for just about two weeks. I couldn't believe it. So he is going to go away and then pretend to have to get an extension and have to stay longer. I don't want him to know I spied so how do I use this to my benefit?

I am pretty sure I would not have agreed for two weeks. I feel so stupid for thinking it would be a few dayes Hindsight tells me it would be longer. I am so mad at myself and at him for the lie.

So help me be better prepared for the email extending. I of course can say no can do. This new trip actually extends into Labor Day weekend where I could have plans to go away but I don't. He is such a lying manipulator it bugs me that I haven't filed for divorce yet.

However this will come up again and as I said I feel bad for my stepdaughter.

posts: 264   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2012
id 6456895
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idkam ( member #18375) posted at 7:57 PM on Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

I would go with what Tearsoflove posted... He doesnt need any other explanation...

2015 It's time to get Fit, Fine, and more Fabulous. Come and join me.

posts: 2046   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 6457596
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