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[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:58 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

I told ow's husband immediatly after I found out.He never laid a finger on his wife,but admitted yelling at her so she was frightened of him(and me).But he threw all their bedroom furniture down the stairs and burnt it all in the garden.He said to me "hang onto the anger as when that goes depression sets in"-he has been on antidepressants for the last 16 months since d-day.The black rage in me has died down,but I'm still angry about all sorts of issues,the good thing now is I can discuss this rationally with my husband without losing it.In particular,still angry about the way this has changed me as a person,and the sheer waste of time as the last 16 months has been more about survival than living life to the full.But we;re getting there...

I never actually hit him. But before DDay, during an argument when I was trying to figure out WHAT the hell was going on, I ripped a shirt off of his back. DDay, when I started crying after confronting him, he made a move to try to hug me, and I spun in place to face him, backed him into a counter physically, and told him that he never got to hold me again. Never laid a hand on him. During one of his confessions, my hand, as if it had a mind of it's own, flew out to slap him across the face. I stopped before I made contact, but I sure won't forget the look in his eyes. He was sure that I was going to deck him.

I have, however, cut up several things, smashed glasses, and put a crowbar across the windshield of his sports car as a warning. I also took the rage inside, and had several instances of me hitting myself in the head and arms, digging my nails into my flesh and scratching myself bloody, and other self-harm. Thing is, I know that if I ever lost it and touched him during those times, I probably would have a hard time stopping, so I was very careful, to the point of putting my hands behind my back or sitting on them, to not raise my hands to him. No matter how sorely tempted ...

When I read the text messages on his phone from the OW on the night that I discovered the affair I completely snapped. I stayed calm enough to snap pictures of his texts and call history to the OW's number and then that was it. I stormed into our bedroom where he was sleeping (he had gone to bed at 6:00 pm that night and he was acting weird) and threw the phone at him as hard as I could. It hit him in the chest but bounced up because I threw it with such force, and hit him in the face beside his eye, which resulted in a black eye. That was enough, that was all I did, it scared me that I got so tunnel visioned and angry. I was blasted on here for mentioning this before, some people thought it was assault. I threw his phone at him, I didn't think thats anywhere near as bad as him sleeping with other women and potentially exposing me to a myriad of diseases.

After a month of TT, I found out about another big lie and was so angry! I told him I wanted someone to beat him up and hurt him.

He came up to me and told me to hit him as hard as I wanted to. I decided to do it and balled my hand up in a fist and pounded on his cheek with it. It was a hard one but not as hard as I could have if I'd wanted to give it my all.

It left a red mark and I could tell his feelings were hurt because he teared up a little. I guess he thought I cared enough about him to not hurt him? Yea...me, too, about him.

I've since apogized for hurting him but it was less than he deserved.

I have never hit anyone in my entire life. I have 2 grown sons who I never even spanked and never allowed my H to spank them either. I grew up with a father who thought "discipline" meant a beating with a belt. I vowed not to raise my kids that way.

After several months of TT and broken NCs, I finally flipped one day when I discovered he had sent her an email for her birthday. I was BEYOND livid. His continual lies and explanations of "she has cancer, I wanted to make her feel better" (of course, she was lying). I finally lost it. He was sitting on the chair with the laptop in his lap - I took and it shoved it in his face which made his nose bleed and he got a swollen cheek from it.

Do I regret it - HELL NO. He should be happy thats all he got that night.

I can't help but notice all of these replies are from betrayed wives..not husbands.

I wonder,if the genders were reversed,how would this be viewed? Men hitting their WW's? Im pretty sure there would be an uproar.

As I said..I slapped WH on dday. I immediately apologized...I felt horrible..not so much that I slapped HIM..but that *I* slapped my husband...someone I loved. It made me feel bad about *me.*

I do understand that rage. I also understand that in *that* moment, some of us were so incredibly traumatized upon discovery that we lost our minds. This is not an excuse...I know it happens..because it did,indeed,happen to me. But that doesn't make it "ok."

We are responsible for our actions...just as our WS's are responsible for theirs. We didn't make them cheat...and they didn't make us slap them. If you are so angry that you feel yourself losing control...walk away. Go into your closet and scream..go out to the garage and punch a heavy bag. Put pics of OW..or your WS..on the bottom of your shoes..and run. Whatever you need to do to release that rage...but don't lower yourself to abuse. Don't allow yourself to be in a position of having to ask your WS not to call the police because you don't want to go to jail. Daddy cheating on mommy is just as bad as mommy hitting daddy. Both will affect your children in a terrible way...you can not change your WS's actions..but you can control yours.

Anger is understandable..rage is understandable. But it needs to be managed. Hitting your spouse is not ok..regardless of their gender.

Do they deserve to get their ass kicked? Hell yes. I've wanted to rip my WH's dick off and shove it down his throat..every other day for the first few years. But you can not let your rage get the best of you. Don't let it control you.

I do understand that rage. I also understand that in *that* moment, some of us were so incredibly traumatized upon discovery that we lost our minds. This is not an excuse...I know it happens..because it did,indeed,happen to me. But that doesn't make it "ok."

We are responsible for our actions...just as our WS's are responsible for theirs. We didn't make them cheat...and they didn't make us slap them. If you are so angry that you feel yourself losing control...walk away. Go into your closet and scream..go out to the garage and punch a heavy bag. Put pics of OW..or your WS..on the bottom of your shoes..and run. Whatever you need to do to release that rage...but don't lower yourself to abuse. Don't allow yourself to be in a position of having to ask your WS not to call the police because you don't want to go to jail. Daddy cheating on mommy is just as bad as mommy hitting daddy. Both will affect your children in a terrible way...you can not change your WS's actions..but you can control yours.

Anger is understandable..rage is understandable. But it needs to be managed. Hitting your spouse is not ok..regardless of their gender.

Do they deserve to get their ass kicked? Hell yes. I've wanted to rip my WH's dick off and shove it down his throat..every other day for the first few years. But you can not let your rage get the best of you. Don't let it control you.

Exactly. This is spot on.

I did get my rage out in other ways, like burning his clothes in the driveway, yelling at him, crying, drinking, etc. But never ever ever would I hit him.

And you are correct, if it was the MALE BS hitting his wife???? All hell would break loose.

I never hit WH but I certainly understand the rage that comes up. I have often heard new reports of spouses that attack or even kill each other in the heat of the moment. I unfortunately get that know. I remember thinking a couple of months after dday, that I understood how a person could do that - you just go blind with rage and that's all you see. On dday, I was in such a state of shock, I think I just went numb for a while. When I got in touch with my anger and rage (a few months out), all I wanted to do was smash up his cars.

There are some great songs out there that gave voice to my anger, so I listened to those a lot. Screamed in my car at the top of my lungs, called the two of them every name and insult I could think of. Wrote his name on the bottom of my shoes and stomped around - literally dragged their names through the mud!!! I work out a lot to give that energy a place to go - lots of kickboxing works for me. Some of the anger got turned inward too, beat up on myself a lot. I keep reminding myself that I did the best I could and not blame myself for what happened. He's the one that is broken, he's a serial cheater, cheated on the wife before me, cheated on me and will cheat on the OW. It's only time. I know that he will keep going through woman and ultimately, will end up a lonely, old man. I am a loving woman and will have love in my life because I have it to give. He does not. So, in a way, that makes me feel better, knowing that my life will be sweet. He will be forever using other people to fill up the hole inside him, that broken place......

My WH asked me to hit him. And I did.

Of course, physical abuse is wrong.

I slapped fWH on two occasions. Not proud of it.

I self-harmed on another occasion - scratched my face viciously until it was bleeding, slapped myself and tore at my hair (which is sad as I had already lost a shit-load of hair from stress after D-Day.... why would I go and tear more out? )

I have always been very, very against violence. I have always been quick to judge people who strike out in anger. Not anymore. I will never believe that violence is a good thing or that it is justified, but what I have realised is that when someone hurts you right down to your very core, it is possible to lose all control.

A man's perspective. I never, ever, ever hit my spouse. Even when I found out. Rage? Lots, but I vent by yelling and yes, I said things i regret. Verbal abuse? You can call it that. But even though I didn't resort to violence, it hasn't stopped my wife from accusing me of it. And I can tell you first hand, it can derail your marriage counseling, and once you're accused, you're GUILTY of it. Pretty much terminated our sessions with MC. A nice, built-in tool that cheating wives can use at their disposal. Something perhaps cheating husbands can't resort to.

@lifeishard24....It's very common for WW's to accuse their BH's of spousal abuse. It's very common for them to tell the OM they're scared of their husbands...it gives the OM an opportunity to play KISA.

I read your other post..your WW told your child she should be scared of you because you might hit HER(the child) and she should lock her bedroom door at night. Did she ever tell your DD that was bullshit? She told your MC the same thing? Why are you trying to R with a woman who is accusing you of such horrible things? To tell that to your child is absolutely vile.

Oh..cheating husbands tell their OW we are crazy,don't have sex with them,don't love them,etc. Im sure some have said they are afraid their BW's might hit them in order to get sympathy and attention from an OW...it's just not as common as WW's telling that to their OM.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:20 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Because I still love my wife and want nothing more than for all this to stop. I guess having a piece of her heart is better than having none of it. Does this cause me self-loathing? Yes. I'm a 225 pound , thick, strong man who works out 7 days, a week and I'm an easy target to be labeled as an abuser. To be reduced to a crying baby is hard for me to understand, but that's what I've become. I feel my inner strength is being tested to the limit. Counseling was bullshit and prayers have not been answered. What does that leave me? I occasionally see my old wife looking at me at times, the one with love in her eyes, and she still talks about our future together. I chalk this up to a mid life crisis. I just can't give up on us. I won't give up.

It's more than a mid-life crisis...have you noticed the betrayed men's thread in the I can relate forum? I think if you posted there,they could really help you. They're a great bunch of guys who have been where you are right now.

Being accused of DV is very serious. Carrying a VAR around on your person all the time would be a good idea.

I didn't mean to question why you are trying to R with your WW...even though that is exactly what I did. Many of us are trying to R..with what seems like impossible odds. My concern was that you are putting yourself in danger of being arrested..or losing your children. Im sorry I didn't word it that way.

Here is the link to the Betrayed men's thread..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502673&AP=981

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:58 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Thank you. I will definately look there. Protecting yourself from the label of abuser is impossible. Those that know me would never believe it anyway. My daughter has bought into the bullshit. It was a smokescreen thrown up to take the attention away from the real issue, and it worked. At least as far as counseling goes. Even though he said he would not see us individually for our marriage problems, he IS seeing her individually because she "is being abused". During our counseling when it first emerged, I was sent "for an evaluation". I came back with a letter that basically said all testing was normal (blood work, psych) and any anger was "related to wife's affair". Needless to say, that only served to escalate her attempt to classifly me as such. That's when she started to involve our daughter and her sisters. I have a very strained relationship with my daughter. Until this, we were very close. That part saddens me as much as the affair. I feel I stand to lose so much unless I can right the wrong. I am aware that I can't control what she does, and this may end badly. The pretending to be happy ritual is tiring however. But I continue on. Maybe I'll take away something from these threads that will encourage me to continue or allow me to find the strength to walk away, something I do not want to do.

Last weekend, 4 weeks after Dday, WH told me (under duress of course) how his drunken one-night stand with OW turned into a 6 month long affair. How in the cold, sober light of day, he actually tracked her down on Linkdin and was the initiator of this catastrophe.

Unfortunately, I was super drunk, and what happened after that is a horrible blur. But in the morning, I could see HUGE bruises on his inner arm that I had inflicted - and so can everyone else at the moment. I am so deeply ashamed of myself for my behavior. I feel like this loss of control has diminished my power and certainly my self-righteous anger. I am still pissed off, but I realize I need to address my anger management issues in IC. Wish I had kept it together and not put myself in this position.

Being betrayed changes something. Absolute betrayal killed something inside me that was easy and gentle and kind. It died. Suddenly and violently.

I never hit him. I never broke any dishes. I did not have the energy at first. But I can remember being dumbfounded one day when WH walked behind my van. The engine was running. I was in gear, waiting to back out of a parking space. He had just handed my children movie passes in place of CS/grocery money as a "fuck you" power play and now he was walking behind my vehicle...... Only the very real fact that my kids were in the car kept him alive that day.

But I imagined (oh Holy Hell I cannot even describe) I imagined terrible terrible things. I LONGED for the days of public stonings. I yearned for him to hurt as if it would extinguish the PAIN within me...

I understand the physical reaction. I cannot judge anyone who followed through on these things in that moment. It would be hypocritical.

I cannot reconcile this "temporary insanity" reaction with Domestic Violence. I don't think the law can either or there would be no "temporary insanity" defense. In some ways a violent reaction falls under the category of consequences. I am not condoning violence or suggesting that continued expression of the pain in violent ways is healthy or acceptable.

Self control is desirable in all situations. Lack of seems to be what got all of us here in the first place.

^^^^This^^^

There's is never a reason to be physical - NEVER!!!

I was held by the throat against a wall by my son's father. I simply walked.

To put your hands on another human being is so wrong.

I was mad,hurt, beyond red but never was violence an answer.

In my job I have seen the results and irl it is horrible