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I have read so many times about actions being the most helpful in healing.

Besides the basics of no contact, talking reading. What made you feel better? What did your ws do to make you feel better?

What specifically helped you?

I just can't seem to think of anything that I really want/need. I just can't think of anything that would help.

I think the specific actions that help are more personal. I came up with some crazy stuff that I asked my fWS to do to help me heal. She never said no. I think just seeing the unending willingness is more important in the long run. Compliance will only go so far. True remorse is whatever it takes.

True remorse from him. Seeing the hurt on his face when he realized the pain his selfish actions caused me. He would (and still does) bring me little gifts like my favorite candy. He calls just because. I get cute text messages. It takes a constant effort from the WS. It takes understanding and acknowledgment.

I also started doing things for myself for the first time in YEARS. I allowed myself time to grieve. If I wanted to go for a walk I did without worrying about the house, the kids, the animals.... This was completely out of character for me. I treated myself to little things: manicure, new clothes..... I became a different person after d-day. Sometimes I cannot believe the changes I've made.

Do something simple for yourself today. Go for a walk outside, buy a candy bar, whatever it takes......

Doing positive things together. . .taking yoga and/or working out. Reading His Needs, Her Needs and learning to relate better. Reading relationship books that don't focus on infidelity. Writing when I get really mad/upset.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:17 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I guess I don't feel that he helped me heal. His extreme remorse made it easier for me to decide to forgive him and decide to stay with him. His extreme remorse seemed to motivate him to do wonderful things with the goal of being a better husband, and making our M better. I embraced these actions and as a result we have grown together, communicate better, and we are closer than we have ever been.

But I don't see it that anybody outside yourself (not even a couselor) helps me heal from emotional trauma.

I can say this because my first H cheated on me repeatedly throughout our M, and was never remorseful enough to not repeat it all again another time with another OW. I filed for a D two days after the last D-day and never looked back. He married that final OW and is still married to her, more than 20 years later.

I healed just as fast from all that, as I have from what my current H did. For me, it is a matter of looking at my circumstances, and making the best decision for me. Of course it makes a difference what my H does or says, and his actions matter and influence my choices, and impact the state of our M, but I still see that we are mostly responsible for our own healing.

A Couple things helped me... One was not to get caught up in exactly your WS has to do to heal through this. I had to learn its not a text book on how to heal. What works for some doesn't for others. You can't force things... I started getting caught up in what my WW wasn't doing rather than what she was.

What made me feel better was her brutal honesty after her affair. When I triggered hard and had crazy questions to ask she would tell me. I know it was hard to tell me alot of the details. Sometimes she wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. The other thing was transparancy and being acoountable. The fact she showed up at MC and IC when I know she was tired and didn't really want to go that particular day. A huge turning point for us was when we started working on marital issues and meeting each others needs. The fact that we can talk and communicate better now than pre A. When our friends started asking us for marital advice. When we started really looking at all aspects of our marriage and how we can improve each part. Seeing remorse in her eyes. The fact it is hard for her to forgive herself. Seeing how much she has grown through this and how much we have grown together.

What really helped me feel better was my own personal growth. Acceptance & Working on forgiving myself for letting my marriage get to that point. I chose to forgive her.

Supporting me every, and I do mean EVERY time I triggered. Holding me if I needed that, backing away if I needed that. Apologizing for causing the trigger.

Becoming instantly available if I needed him via phone or physically, if I needed his presence.

Giving me a timeline.

Taking me to the places he met his AP and walking me through their meetings.

Going to Retrouvaille with me and committing to the entire program.

Getting into IC and MC and getting his clinical depression diagnosed and going on ADs.

Working with his IC to get to the bottom of his lousy coping mechanisms and continuing to do it.

Explaining everything I found in his phone/computer when I had questions after looking through it. Never deleting anything only I was allowed to do so. Giving me utter transparency with his electronics.

All actions. The words were nice, but the actions were what I looked at.

The thing that started some healing was him admitting that it was wrong. Until then for months--he downplayed the whole thing acting like it was nothing and all in my head. One day somehow he just started to accept it was wrong. he just didn't get how badly this devastated me so he just kept right on with the affair.

Other than that--we did start a one night a week date...I know in the 180 it said not to do that-but I don't get why its always wrong. we needed the time to talk.

He went to counselling, booked an appointment the day after I found out and went every week for months.

He finally opened up to me about the abuse he suffered as a child.

He gave me full details on everything, including the infidelity during his first marriage.

He asked me what *I* needed to help me work through this and then gave it to me.

He showed patience and love every time I triggered, got upset, had more questions, or the same questions.

He gives me his phone any time I ask for it. He forwards me work emails that may impact our personal life, such as overnight work trips. He sends me photos of himself when I am worried and dont know exactly where he is.

He apologised every time this came up, as if the apology was the first time he made it.

He let me talk and explore my own feelings, he really listened.

he has acknowledged his mistakes to his family and to some of my friends.

He has suggested couples counselling now that we are engaged, and has made the appointment for us.

He opened his heart to me finally, and learned that while real love is scary, it lso keeps you safe.

The big one for me - he apologised to my kids for upsetting me. He told them he was going to work really hard on his issues. He assured them he loved me and wanted me to be happy.