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WH and I are doing ok - we are 15 months post d-day #1. He is supportive and caring - transparent - we are in IC and MC.

Initially I had terrible sleep disturbances. Mostly mind movies and nightmares.

Over the last month I am having nightmares again. They are terribly vivid. They take the same pattern and I re-live the night WH told me that he had been involved with other women. I had absolutely no idea it was a PA but was concerned that he was having an EA with mOW#1 and we were awake talking about it. The scenario is him sitting on our bed and him saying to me over and over "you mustn't reject her if I tell you" - "she needs me". There he was ripping my heart out and gutting me and all the concern he had was for mOW. Then he was angry at me because I collapsed crying hysterically - I could hardly breath it hurt so much. I truly thought I was going to die. WH got really cross at me and simply got up and left - he got into the car and drove off. It was 2am and I had no idea where he'd gone other than it might be to mOW#1 or to potentially "top himself".

I have been re-living this terrible memory in my dreams. I don't always wake but last night I was so distressed I think WH woke me. My heart was pounding and I was crying and sobbing into my pillow.

I don't understand why I would be having these dreams again. I am scared to go to sleep in case I have one. It has been months since I had them and now they are back most nights.

I can't think of a trigger at all - it was our wedding anniversary yesterday but they have been back for weeks.

Has anyone found ways to try and control what you dream about?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 9:10 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Do you think this is your instincts telling you something?

Just this past anniversary, which was also my one year DDay, a couple of weeks before I was as sad as when all this was going on, back about a year before DDay when I thought i was either crazy or he was having an A. I found myself crying everyday again. Hurting just like I did before even the suicidal thoughts were beginning to creep back.

I never had nightmares because I couldn't sleep.

These were my doubts creeping back.

I am wondering if this is you subconsciously wondering if all is well. If she hasn't contacted him in some way? Or if he hasn't contacted Ow. You have forgiven a lot. Talk to him, talk to your T. Whatever to make you feel better. You have some doubts.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

I had this at about the same time. My H would wake me, because I would wake him from my thrashing or crying. It wasn't always the same thing I was dreaming but always about him leaving me.

So I took some time to really really think about this, and where we were at that point in our R. What I found was I had a real fear of things that were outside of my control. I feared that he would walk in one day even though things were great, and say I'm done. I feared that he would cheat again, even after he did all the hard work to figure out why, and change those things at a very basic level.

I feared that my kids would grow up with a hatred for their dad if he left, and then it would spiral....

What stopped it?

A few things, one finally accepting that no matter what I did, I could not control him, and believe me that is some scary shit. He would ultimately make his own choices, no matter what. I could not force him to stay, he would stay because he wanted to. We talked about this at length, and he always reassured me, and once real R started he always told me his job as H, and dad was to make sure we were happy every day. He was consistent with that.

Lastly I think they finally stopped when I knew that NO MATTER what happened I would be ok. I was happy with me. I could make it without him, and be just fine. Spiritualy, financially, and fundementally. I was a pretty neat chick, and he was damn lucky to have me.

I dont' know if this helps you figure out how to wade through it. The other thing I did was start taking my Ativan at bedtime again for a while, at least if I was having the bad dreams I wasn't aaware of it.