SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sunflowergirl, I had a bad day a couple of months ago and had the same worry. It's scary to contemplate how my healthy, but 43-year-old mommy of 2 body will be perceived after not having a new partner since I was 25 and hot! I know Kegels are good for continence as we age anyway, so I ordered Lelo Luna beads on Amazon. They are supposed to help strengthen those muscles. I've only used them a few times, but you do have to "flex" a bit at times to keep them in place. I was mostly just relieved that I could do it and they weren't constantly dropping out!

Anyway, on many better days since then, I've realized any man worth me (or any woman) will value me for qualities that are not altered by childbirth, aging, whatever. Let's hold out for those guys. I think we're just feeling so vulnerable and self-esteem has certainly taken a hit.

[This message edited by LimboStill at 1:37 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

I cant read this whole thread bc it makes steam come out of my ears.

I am soooo effing sick and tired of some asshole trying to say your boobs, ass, tetas, legs, hair, vajayjay needs to look or feel xyz...

We are individuals. To judge ourselves or allow ourselves to be judged on superficial is just bullshit!

If someone wants to tighten things up, then it should be for their personal pleasure not because a woman wants to impress or satisfy some fool.

Im going to calm down and address the situation directly: of course she feels different. She is not you. Each kiss is different. Each persons touch is different. It can be similar, but not the same

Please dont compare yourself to some lowly ho who has no respect for herself or anyone around her. If any male wants someone like her then it speaks little of him, doesnt it.

I am soooo effing sick and tired of some asshole trying to say your boobs, ass, tetas, legs, hair, vajayjay needs to look or feel xyz...

We are individuals. To judge ourselves or allow ourselves to be judged on superficial is just bullshit!

God, that is so true, Sully! It reduces us. It poisons us inside, makes us sick, that we can't even be comfortable in our own skins.

For those of us who gave birth, either vaginally or with a c-section: forget for a second what anyone else says. How did YOU feel about giving birth? Was there a deep sense of pride in what you did? And the recovery afterward, your strength, the way it felt to get on your feet, to heal? Did you feel it down through your muscles and bones how unbelievable strong you were? Focus on that. Tap that. Don't be afraid of your strength.

It is so sad that so many of us had people who were supposed to have our backs diminish us instead. They failed to acknowledge our strengths and instead tore us down with their shallowness. Take heed from the many people here who know and have acknowledged what real strength is.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Warning:

I'm about to go on a positivity rant:) I couldn't stop the flow of words so imagine confetti being thrown and know I attempted to have everything make sense and be relevant. I possibly didn't make this goal:)

I've pondered this stuff at length. I've had 4 vaginal deliveries. My first was 9lb 12oz and a massive episiotomy.

I have always loved the shear power of giving birth. I was a complete wreck during my last pregnancy but I still managed a home birth and was able to be fierce and summon up energy from some primal place within myself. I love that. It gives me perspective I'd be lacking without.

Still, I wonder...but ultimately, I wouldn't trade my experiences for a supposedly tighter vajayjay. Admittedly, I'm all about being an earth mother so I wouldn't consider an elective c section even on a bad day but I can understand why, in this world and with our crappy, undermining experiences, a woman would consider it.

I've seen a meme going around that I love. It's not addressing an altered vag but the idea can be applied much the same: you haven't ruined your body (with stretch marks), you're a goddamned tiger who's earned your stripes!

Men have long had issues with their penises...girth, length..whatever. They often seem to obsess over it.

I see this focus on our kitties just another way men try to spread their insecurities to us.

There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with our vaginas! There is NOTHING wrong with our fur...puss, armpits, legs, even face! Yeah, you heard me right...many sisters of all races suffer with shame over facial hair and I say fuck it. We are beautiful any way.

There is NOTHING wrong with our stretch marks! NOTHING! There is NOTHING wrong with some luscious flab, less perky boobs...none of it.

Now, let me scream this one out:

WE DESERVE TO BE WITH MEN WHO *HONOR* US, OUR EXPERIENCES AND OUR WISDOM AS WE AGE! We should be SAFE to age and change naturally with someone we love. SAFETY.

I'm not saying not to shave or use makeup or wax that mustache if it pleases you o do so. I'm a freaking esthetician. I'm all about makeup and well...esthetics...but do it for you and let him keep up with your radiance...for who YOU are. Not for who he wants you to be or look like. Not so that he can conform me to a porn star ideal...which is bizarre considering all the fake body parts represented there. Those porn stars age. I was the icon model for an amateur porn network. I apologize to the ladies who's men have struggled with that kid of thing...I'm not condoning it. I'm trying to say, we age. We get fat or we lose our soft curves. Our boobs expand, sag and deflate.

Whatever happens, we must require safety to age with the mate of our choosing. We must be free to safely have children without some expectation from our men we discover we can't keep up with. It's called honoring ourselves and each other as amazing women. Not little girls. WOMEN. Our mates need to love us...not just our body...or just our youthful body or child free body. The whole damned glorious package.

I've met countless repulsive ugly 'hot' people. I've met the most sexy and stunning fat or older people. I loved a confident fat man with so much passion and I've never met a thin, muscled man who was his equal. I've had the privilege of spending time with gorgeous, confident big women who outshone the entire room of 'hotties'. I've met so many different types of beautiful people but their beauty had nothing to do with their looks although many had plenty of physical beauty.

Like everything else, we can only manage ourselves. If the other person doesn't like it, he's free to move on. If he wants to make comparisons this is a clue that he will always be making comparisons. Eventually, you won't be able to compete or keep up. Ask any older SIer who's husband cheated with a much younger girl. She is far more glorious but doesn't know it because she cannot compete with the youth of the AP. truth is, she never should have had to even think about that. Just do what makes you happy but make sure it's for YOU.

Who are these superficial turds you people are running into? Wow. Just, wow.

Who are these superficial turds you people are running into? Wow. Just, wow.

Unfortunately, some of us are either related to them or married to them. Or both.

Vag birth. One child.

I can't use super sized tampons ( too big) and use regular or mini ones!

Guess I'm tight.

Different? We are all individuals so I don't care if ow was tight or loose as his A was his issue. She was just available (saggy or tight).

Don't compare your vajayjay with ow. Just look at the brokenness inside your ws as that is why they cheat.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 3:21 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

I have realized and knew wh infidelity stems from his own feelings of not being good enough.

His feelings of inferiority and feeling im better than him.

Its not easy separating that from my insecurities. He doesnt value you me truly because he doesnt value himself .

Im tired, im lonely...im sick of this shitty ride. I want off.

My WH#2 knew what my body looked like when he married me, so I will never let him try and tear me down now for my small boobs, stretch marks, or any other thing he may think is wrong with me. He knew what he was getting when he got it. He has often said he would pay for a boob job if I wanted it. I looked at him and said well I will pay for a penis enlargement if you want it. That usually shuts him up. If he wanted a woman with huge boobs he should have married one. I will never let someone tell me they don't like me because of my body. That is their problem, not mine.

You need to quit worrying about what he thinks of you and start worrying about what you think of yourself. Work on your own self-esteem and get to a place you are happy with yourself. He had low self-esteem and was selfish enough that he used another to make himself feel better and that has nothing to do with you or the way you look. (((HUGS)))

I am so glad that you posted this. I started crying while reading it. I have wanted to ask WS how she felt, and just haven't been able to. Every time I start to think about it, I feel so disgusted. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks these things.

I always thought the enjoyment came from the act itself. Seems to me that the focus on the minor issues just say something about the selfishness of the person complaining.

There is so much more to a relationship than this. We all age and our bodies change over time. Some things sag, some shrink, other things wrinkle, and some things get softer. It's life and nature stops for no one.

There is nothing wrong or unsatisfying about you sexually. Your WS has lost focus on the more important aspects of your relationship. I hope he can come to the realization that sexual satisfaction is a lot larger bundle of things than how tight or loose something is.

I am so glad that you posted this. I started crying while reading it. I have wanted to ask WS how she felt, and just haven't been able to. Every time I start to think about it, I feel so disgusted. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks these things.

You are definitely not the only one. I recently asked him about this, and I think it just stems from my insecurities. I mean, I am told by him that I am the best he’s had in all his sexual history () but that he had sex with her because he was used to it. It was something he was comfortable with. I just don’t get that. I’m no virgin, don’t get me wrong, but I can articulate that he’s good at what he does, it satisfies me because it’s with the person I care about which heightens the experience, but my first sexual experience was with someone who enjoyed every aspect of sex and imparted that love of sex, foreplay, intimacy, sensuality and fun into my sex life so that when I have sex with anyone (I’ve only had four partners, including my WH), I infuse that into sex. I’ve been told by my partners in the past that I’m really damn good at what I do, but here is the OW that held my WH’s attention for two years (sex six times and, of course, the EA) so I’m heavily confused, incredibly hurt and I just don’t understand.

It hurts that he describes her as “different”, “loose” and “easy” because that’s what “tight” and “amazing” got traded up for. She excited him because it was “new” and “different” so what does that say about mine?

Logically, I get it. Trying to catch my emotions up to the fact that no matter how good you are, someone will trade you up for worse really does a number on your self-esteem. It doesn’t matter to me what other sexual partners have said about me sexually; I could give a flying flip. It mattered to me about the person I was screwing; only his opinion counted, and if he could easily trade me up, what good am I really?

At first I worried about this, However, he quickly told me different. He said she was cold, like fucking a blow up doll, that she always just laid there. She wasn't capable of an O, no matter what he did. So my question to him was, then why? Why did you continue to fuck her 1-2 times a month for over 2 yrs. His answer, and yeah at first I didn't believe the first part and the second part I honestly admit still hurts to this day, He said that we had been having so much trouble with sex (I had actually told him that I wasn't getting anything out of it so why should I bother, he got the pleasure and I got the clean up) so he felt that since he gave me bad sex that she being a bad fuck was what he deserved for being a selfish ass. Not sure if I explain that right, but hopefully you get what I mean.

His second reason, the thing that she actually told him that got his pants down is the one that is hardest for me. I have always loved oral. The only problem is I have a horrible gag reflex problem. I can not let him finish in my mouth without puking, even the thought of swallowing has made me throw up. Hell, I have thrown up before from brushing my teeth if I get the toothbrush to far back. She told him she loves to swallow and then proved it to him, repeatedly.

I did ask about difference in tightness because she has had 4 kids, I have had 3. My youngest is almost 15 hers is 11 or 12. He says that sex with me is the best ever. He said that she doesn't compare to me at all. He was honest and said that she was always dry which made it more difficult, added to the fact that he was never completely hard (other than when she gave him a BJ and even then he says I make him harder) I can't imagine that it was very enjoyable for him.

According to him, he was there for the BJ, and he just felt obligated to have sex with her. He says that she wasn't even that good at it, but knowing that she would swallow was the turn on for him.

Now fast forward to us. When he first told me this I was devastated. I googled like crazy trying to find some way to get over my gag reflex. I went to the adult store and bought throat numbing sprays, nothing helped. I would sit and cry every time I tired and failed. He would wrap me in his arms and cry with me, telling me how sorry he was for hurting me. He has since told me that he loves me, he loves the way I love what I am doing and that just knowing that I want to but physically can't is a bigger turn on to him than if I did it all the time and thought nothing of it.

He has also finally understood that sex is an act that anyone /any animal can do. But the emotional connection between two people is what makes it special and wonderfully amazing.

On a side note, HE worries that one day HE won't be able to satisfy ME. In HS I dated a guy that was porn star huge, my DH has told me lately that he always felt that I was comparing him to that guy and he wasn't "measuring up" I think that men that have to downgrade our wonderful tiger bodies have issues about their own bodies more than an issue with our bodies.

Sorry, I got a little off track...

I've given birth five times, all vaginally. I'm 46 years old, and with a much younger man. The topic of how "tight" I am has been discussed. I'm no idiot. Chances are women who haven't given birth, will be tighter. Just as if I was to have sex with another man, his penis might be wider and longer. It doesn't mean it's more enjoyable on either side.

I love the man I'm with. And I do believe he loves me. He's never once not been aroused with me. The last thing you should be worrying about is your V.

I agree that I'd like to see more men comment on this topic. I think us women tend to compare ourselves in such a negative way. Once I started realizing a man was LUCKY to have me, I lost most of the critical doubt I had about my body, and found I enjoyed sex SO much more.

And on a side note...to the men reading this...if you're watching porn, and getting off to the young whores in those clips, thats contributing heavily to why we feel the way we do.

Logically, I get it. Trying to catch my emotions up to the fact that no matter how good you are, someone will trade you up for worse really does a number on your self-esteem. It doesn’t matter to me what other sexual partners have said about me sexually; I could give a flying flip. It mattered to me about the person I was screwing; only his opinion counted, and if he could easily trade me up, what good am I really?

I totally get this!!

OW is a manly, boring, self centered woman. WS said sex with her was 'mechanical' and they could only do 1 position because he couldn't keep his end of the bargain.

Then why go back? Then why do it at all?

Why ruin my life for THAT?

Wow.

Not to mention the countless dozens of conversations WS and I had about sex before his A which centered on how sex with someone else would be interesting, but not worth it because of our chemistry and sex life being fantastic.

In the end it wasn't about the sex, it was about the fact that WS wasn't good enough for me. And he found someone he was finally better than. The OW.

ETA: WS has always been supportive of my body, sexuality and pregnancies. He loves my stretch marks, his passwords are named after my body parts etc. His desire for me never waned...that is just as confusing to me. Why seek out someone else then?

I have never been jealous of OW's body or sexuality. Her hold on him was not sexual at all...it was just a symptom of HIS sickness that he had sex with her.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 5:30 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]