SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

These are embarrassing but here goes:

I threw a muffin tin around the house until it was completely mangled.

I broke down the bathroom door and destroyed the door frame (he would text the AP from the bathroom during the A).

The worst is the horrible things I have said to him; I regret them the most.

i will probably get flamed here, but really, I don't understand why the women feel it is ok to get violent.

How would you feel if the tables were turned?

Rachel, not to get personal, but didn't you cheat first? Would you like it if your husband did the same to you?

I understand you getting upset, but I really don't think there's any excuse. If a man beat, hit, slapped, cut, bruised a woman, he would spend a night in jail, maybe longer.

I don't get the sense of entitlement to do this stuff.

And I think it's really dangerous.

Not to be a kill joy. But this topic has been going around a lot lately.

I just read three posts, back to back on page one of this thread. Imagine if I, as a man, said this:

I threw a remote control at her face and it caught her right above the eye. Cut her pretty good.

Then I smacked her in the face three times. Bam bam bam.

Then I took her phone, wrapped my hand around it and gave her a good right hook across the jaw.

Man, I guess I shouldn't have done it, but well, you know.

I don't get a kick out of reading these posts about violence. It isn't something to be taken lightly.

Sorry, end of kill-joy.

I agree with m7 and wb. Violence is violence, period. I think it is a slippery slope to discuss acts of violence lightly.

I don't recall any of us saying violence is ok. I'm fact , most of us are saying we can't believe we did that and are horrified.

I set a few of his shirts on fire. The ones he was wearing in the pics he sent out.

But the worst thing?

I called him the "f" word.

Not *that* "f" word.

I had triggered,he was making it worse,so I told him I was going for a walk. He ran after me,pinned my arms to my side,and tried to carry me back inside. Now..I've been raped...you do NOT try to hold a rape victim against her will..you do not hold her down..it WILL trigger a wave of panic and helplessness. He knows this..has been told many times before..do not hold me down. I wiggled away from him and called him the "f" word..I said "you're a ****,a fucking *****!!"

He said he wasn't,and I burst into tears.

It was ugly. It was horrifying. That is not who I am. That is not how I feel. It went against everything I have ever felt..and it was everything I hated.

It was..and is..the worst thing I have ever said to anyone. And that I said it to my husband..a man I love? I am so deeply ashamed.

I have apologized. He has forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself.

Well here's the thing.... I just posted about a nasty fight ny WH and I had, in which he dished a couple of low blows.

I was told this makes him verbally abusive.

Yet... Here are a group of BSs telling stories about actions that could be considered verbal or physical abuse. Some here are expressing remorse, but as I was told, an apology doesn't take away what someone said or did.

I think this indicates that:

1. Name-calling, throwing objects, hitting, etc are for some reason considered unacceptable if performed by a man, but more acceptable if performed by a woman (which is something I don't agree with.)

2. There is somewhat a double standard between BS and WS.

I remember a few weeks ago a male BS came and posted and said at one point on one of his DDays he grabbed his wife's neck. He got ripped to shreds over that even though he stated it was a one-time offense.

Idk. My mom physically and psychologically abused my dad but no one ever thought it mattered because she was the woman.

In all fairness to the women who have posted about having thrown things at their husbands or hit them, NONE of these BSs have said it was "fine" to do, none thought it was funny, and none condoned it at all.

Yes, we're all aware if the situations were reversed, the men would be in jail if they'd done it to their wives and very much reviled here in this thread. No one's denying that.

That being said, I didn't get physical with my now ex when I found out about his scumbag behavior.

I got even. I went down to his new business and 'christened it' with him, then let his girlfriend know that every time she goes there, just about every surface she touches, my ass was probably on it.

I did the same with him inside his house before I left.

And let her know about it too.

I'm a bitch like that.

I think the worst thing I did out of anger was to lock my feelings for my H deep inside me. I still refuse to let them out. I no longer trust any feeling I had for him. I certainly refuse to let them play any part in how I know feel. Lost, and wounded I struggle just to breath. Food still has no appeal to me. I am clear headed but need to tear apart my life from the moment I met my H to see how I faltered. My H has been supportive and steadfast in his commitment to the marriage. Oh yeah, it is now the marriage not our marriage. All of these changes have been our of anger and are supported by the deep hurt living within.

me 59

WH 53

together 7 yrs

married 1 yr

EA 11/2012

PA 5/26/2013

D/day 6/12/2013

Attempting to put pieces back together.

I have never said that I was proud of what I did. I am horrified! I had never in my life gotten violent with anyone. What happened that night was an accident. I remember him leaving that night after it happened, I called him and texted him repeatedly trying to make sure he was ok, he wouldn't answer me. He went to the ER, then to his parents to stay. Two days later he went and filed a restraining order on me. I took my kids and moved out that day. That seriously was the lowest point in my life.

So do I think anyone being violent is ok or funny? HELL NO!

Mystic, you're right. I posted about that in wayward. Had two of our own members post about issues they experienced and only a few posted in support. Most wanted to debate the focus on gender.

While this is the focus après cheating I've often wondered, as I've read a few narratives since I've been on this site, how present it may have been in some form before too. It rarely starts with the dramatic shit. It's often much more subtle. The demeaning verbal slights morph.

These are two seperate issues and one never excuses the other. I know this from my own story. My ex as a practitioner extraordinaire.

"If you're a man in an abusive relationship, it's important to know that you're not alone. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life. Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse by women because they feel embarrassed, or they fear they won't be believed, or worse, that police will assume that since they're male they are the perpetrator of the violence and not the victim.

An abusive wife or partner may hit, kick, bite, punch, spit, throw things, or destroy your possessions. To make up for any difference in strength, she may attack you while you're asleep or otherwise catch you by surprise. She may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets. Of course, domestic abuse is not limited to violence. Your spouse or partner may also:

Verbally abuse you, belittle you, or humiliate you in front of friends, colleagues, or family, or on social media sites.

Be possessive, act jealous, or harass you with accusations of being unfaithful.

Take away your car keys or medications, try to control where you go and who you see.

Try to control how you spend money or deliberately default on joint financial obligations.

Make false allegations about you to your friends, employer, or the police, or find other ways to manipulate and isolate you.

Threaten to leave you and prevent you from seeing your kids if you report the abuse.

Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact on both you and your children. The first step to stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:11 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

I too slapped and hit my husband on DDay and then again a couple weeks later after a big dose of TT. I have never hit anyone in my entire life.

But it was after that night of TT that I guess I did the worst thing. I was so angry that I wanted to hurt him and hold him accountable to what he had done to me. So, I sent an email to his parents with a VERY detailed timeline/list of each and every women he had admitted to cheating on me with, including names, dates, cities, and what sexual acts were performed, with the note "Your son is a narcissistic, lying, cheating Bastard who felt no guilt and no remorse". The subject of the email was "{name}'s Fuck List". His mother immediately responded calling me a liar (which I guess I should have expected, but at the time made me even more angry!) so I responded by sending them a photo of my WH naked in bed with a girl and his tongue down her throat. Honestly I still go back and forth on whether I wish I could take it back.

"Be possessive, act jealous, or harass you with accusations of being unfaithful."

I find this definition of abuse to be quite ironic, given that it has been posted on an infidelity site where so many BS are legitimately being possessive, acting jealous and accusing their WS of being unfaithful.

This is an English-language site, not an Anglo/Saxon site. As such it is accessible to and used by people from around the world, including in the places where honor killings and other types if male-on-female violence is not only common but also socially sanctioned. I shudder to think of the message we are sending to the members/lurkers from these places when we focus our attention on female-on-male violence. IMHO it would be better if we simply condemned violence by both genders.

It seems to me that this thread has been about BS behavior toward WS rather than female to male or vice versa.

However, I do see how some can see the "lighthearted" nature and "he deserved it" nature in some of the posts.

I am pesonally horrified that I called my husband the names I called him. I think those words will stay with him forever.

I really think it is sad when there is no remorse for these reactions to such horrible news. Its bad any time we hurt anyone - JMHO

It seems to me that this thread has been about BS behavior toward WS rather than female to male or vice versa.

However, I do see how some can see the "lighthearted" nature and "he deserved it" nature in some of the posts.

I am pesonally horrified that I called my husband the names I called him. I think those words will stay with him forever.

I really think it is sad when there is no remorse for these reactions to such horrible news. Its bad any time we hurt anyone - JMHO

I threw his cellphone into the lake. A little later I called the OW's husband and filled him in on the whole situation.

Well, I got sent to ANGER MANAGEMENT 17 years ago at work so I don't recall doing anything physical on DDay or afterwards. I did make PLENTY of snarky comments.

However, my pre anger management days I managed to kick out a windshield of a car (the Cowboys lost a game), throw a VCR out of an apartment window (the Cowboys lost that game too), punch a hole through a glass window (my dad had given my house key to his fiance so I couldn't get in) and other assorted throwing of medical charts, ripping phones off the wall, etc, etc, etc.

I'm glad I got a hold of myself because if I destroyed appliances after a football game I probably would have burned down the house after an infidelity.

He had a shoe box filled with greeting cards I gave him over the course of 7 years (there were many)...I tore each and every one up and put them back into the box. I took down all pictures of us. I found a love letter I had written to him and highlighted phrases like "i'm lucky to be with you"..."you make me happy"..."you're my world"..."you're such a good man to me"...I wrote in red across the letter "YOU CHEATED - YOU LIED FOR 7 YEARS" and put it in a frame...hung it in his man cave. I destroyed a vase he would put flowers in for me monthly when I threw it at a wall, and I no longer wear any jewerly he gave me. I think the worse one is that I wrote on a keepsake box he kept from our son's baby shower that had a beautiful crystal pacifier...I wrote on the box" you don't deserve to have kids with me". This one really hurt him, he still gets misty eyed when he sees it. He is a good father and loves his son (1 yr) I felt terrible...I still haven't forgiven myself.

I don't recall any of us saying violence is ok. I'm fact , most of us are saying we can't believe we did that and are horrified.

No, not ok, but you and another poster said it was fun to read about.

Pewpewpew said this

I'm not proud of anything I've done. Embarrassed really but I had good reason.

I wonder what would be said to a WS if that was posted in the WF about having an affair?

I more than understand the rage and shock, but not the reacting in violence, or reading about the violence after the fact and enjoying it.

And yes, there is a double standard down gender lines, and down WS/BS lines. It's kind of sad really.

Well, that's half my point. It seems like some believe it is okay for a BS to get angry and act physically, emotionally, or psychologically abusive to their WH. I get being upset. I get being furious.

But so often we condemn those who seek revenge on their WH with an affair, even if it is a one-time occurence (ONS). No one here is sanctioning anyone else, telling anyone else to look for a deeper reason for the hit, slap, thrown phone, etc. But if a W posted that they hurt their spouse by kissing someone else once, we would all be telling them to seek the deeper reason, work on themselves, go to IC, make their spouse feel safe, etc.

I just don't think being betrayed excuses this type of behavior. I know some of you see this and agree but it seems some don't.