SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, she/he did xyz...so there.

I can tell you for sure that I hit my husband without thinking this. I just hit him - so to do this without thinking is probably even a bigger problem.

as a wayward I can tell you for sure that there were some decisions made. no one just falls into an affair. I made a conscious decision to jump off the cliff, after about 3 days of deliberation..

the thing is, I hit him 2 years after that. One would think I should have said to myself, you have made poor decisions in the past, please proceed with caution... didn't happen... and the impulsiveness was much faster the 2nd time around.

that said, I think when some people are threatened, and being a woman betrayed is threatening and mine shit goes back to FOO issues, WE JUST ACT.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:11 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Perhaps I did react with a sense of entitlement. Or perhaps I was just furious about the injustice of it all.

All I know for sure was that when it dawned on me that the OW had been consistently getting closer and closer to my kids and worming her way into a friendship bond while she was undermining their emotional and financial security, I saw red.

I am patient, considerate and thoughtful and I empathize with the pain of others. Hell, I even feel sorry for The OW.

But if she or anyone else comes close to hurting my family, I would do it again, without hesitation.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 3:11 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

I always hate to see one of these types of threads start. The reason why? Because there is always a few who come along like armchair psychiatrists and try to lecture and throw out stats and a whole plethora of other crap to make those who are honest feel bad about what they posted. People are human. Humans react to situations differently. Is it really necessary to point out the fact that "violence is never ok", "if this were a man blah, blah, blah"? Venting is venting and I know the difference between right and wrong as I certain 99% of the hurting spouses on this site do. The superior lecturing is the reason why I have only posted on one of these threads. I have enough mental crap to deal with from the fallout of being betrayed. I don't need to be made to feel like shit just because I may have lost my mind momentarily when I found out the person I pledged vows to not only didn't honor the same vows HE made, but behaved as though they were worth a pack of Bazooka Joe.

. Is it really necessary to point out the fact that "violence is never ok", "if this were a man blah, blah, blah"?

well when you read things like "I would do it again" yes I think some people do feel the necessity to point it out. Should they? I don't think it makes an impact one way or another so probably not.

I've done some things described on this thread and do not feel good about it at all. Where is my dignity and self control, much less my respect for a fellow flawed human being?

I have done and said some terrible things. Does it matter that I have never done anything like this before in my life? Yes I think it does.I think it reflects the depth of the psychological trauma of infidelity. The things that I have said to my WH stunned me. I hit him. I hit him out of absolute frustration and pain when he refused to talk and then when he TT'd me. I hit him. I said vile horrible things. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to know what it felt like to be me, to have the one person in the world that you love and trust turn on you. I wanted him to look at me and see a stranger. I wanted him to feel that. I wanted him to hurt. I said the things that I knew would hurt him the most just like he knew doing this again would destroy me, I wanted to destroy him . Is this right? No. I am not saying it is right but it is what I did. This was my reaction to an unbearable betrayal, it was primal. It is primal. I agree with Chicky that we, I , need to be able to say these things somewhere, out loud. Who could I tell this to? I am ashamed and shocked at myself but sorry? No, at least not yet. I don't know what that says about me. I don't know if I ever will be sorry. He did this twice. The first time I was quiet and accepting. He knew what it did to me then and he chose to do it again. I think I believe he deserves it. So what does that say about me?

Some say the Limbic brain has 3 drives:

1. Sex (approach)

2. Flight (avoid)

3. Fight (attack)

Well, if an affair is the primal "sex" drive ... and hitting is about the primal "fight" drive...

Then both sexes better damn well learn some self-control, which is the role of pre-frontal cortex.

Arais and chicky couldn't have explained it better.

[This message edited by Nohopeleft at 4:14 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Arais,

All those things you just posted about your H, well those are all the same things I felt about Hlessons when I went out and did what I did. Only I didn't physically hit him. I lit myself on fire in the hopes it would singe him. So do I get a pass for fucking someone else because I had the same rage you did? Do I not have to look at my same wayward thoughts? I just chose a different vehicle than you did to express my rage.

I always hate to see one of these types of threads start. The reason why? Because there is always a few who come along like armchair psychiatrists and try to lecture and throw out stats and a whole plethora of other crap to make those who are honest feel bad about what they posted

You know I get your meaning here...but I was just out mowing the yard and thought,... There are a lot of people that are just coming into this thing and you can see their rage in JFO everyday. I think its a good thing that there posts saying that hey, you could go to jail, and you could be put away from the family that you think your are protecting for a long time if you seriously hurt some one. I've personally seen it. So if anyone falls into this camp this is only for you..., Please for yourself and kids, don't do it. Hopefully we teach our kids that there are other ways to handle rage than trying to hurt someone...so surely we can try ourselves.

tired girl: I am not sure I understand what you are saying here- are you saying that my behavior is wayward behavior?

Let's get back on track with sticking to the original poster's question.

Thank you!

I punched him and gave him two black eyes when I saw another phone # after DDay #1 which I KNEW was another number to get a hold of MOW. I flew down the stairs and just started punching, hitting him right square in the nose and giving him two black eyes. NEVER have I ever done anything like that before, nor have I since. Still can't believe that was me, but that night...I wasn't me. That night actually scared me.

I do have to say, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I loved it when he had to go to work like that and he was so broken, he didn't even try to lie. Told everyone that his little ole wife cut up his face and gave him the black eyes.

I feel he had had no consequences for anything he had done and every time he acts selfish I end up letting it go.

What kinds of things is he still being selfish about? That's a hard place to be. On the one hand, his behavior bothers you, but on the other you have no control over it. Is his selfishness something you guys have discussed with the chaplain? Is your H aware of his own selfishness?

Anyone else acted out of anger. Result? Do you regret it?

I threatened to divorce him. I shouldn't have threatened him. I should have taken a deep breath and said that we needed to take a step back, rather than say that to him, or keep it to myself. The result is that he felt angry and insecure and now, most arguments, he brings it up asking if we ought to divorce and says I started it by saying it. So instead of a genuine question, it's a weapon. My H is terrified of being homeless again, so when he hears "divorce" he also hears "homelessness". That's a pretty shitty weapon I used. I need to make it up to him now and help him feel safe again.

In a pior relationship, my ex husband decided 2 weeks after I met him that I was going to kill myself. He followed me around the house, every argument turned into demands and commentary about my "mental illness".

He claimed there was NO way I was stable after what I had been through. Yes, I went through some difficult times.

This went on for years. Looking back, I feel it was harrassment and whatever weirdness.

We talked about children ( which I can't have,but didn't know it then) and he insisted I spend extensive time in therapy to avoid the possibility that I would kill the baby when it was born.

I tolarated about 3 years of that, and one day he said it one time too many. And I put my fist in the man's face and literally tried to beat the crap out of him.

NOT infidelity, but I have a point to this story.

I was horrified about my actions. Not only did it give him "proof" and "victory" that I am STILL hearing about 15 years later, to me it made me feel he was right.

At that point I did spend time with domestic violence counselors, who first reassured me that though I lashed out, I was not an abuser.

Basically she explained this: sometimes the psychological trauma is so great by the recipient they simply react on the threat they percieve. She told me another story about a couple who came to the united states and one day in a fit of anger, the husband grabbed his wife's passport, green card.. all of her identification to be in the US and work, and he set fire to them in front of the lady. She, in return, threw an object at him, which hit him, so he files a restraining order and got it.

Emotional and mental cruelty and emotional violence against someone who reacted in a physical way to protect themselves.

tbh, I feel the anger in be of getting cheated on. A baby was made.

I don't know what other point I could make here, except I don't blame a single person here who has lashed out and I don't care if it is a man or woman.

I don't feel a speck of empathy for a cheater who got slapped, called names, left or whatever. All I see is their complaint as a manipulative attempt to blame shift.

And for us who feel remorse.. for myself the remorse is not that my ex husband feels bad over a decade later that I socked him in the nose. I could care less. I hope it still hurts.

What I actually feel sad about is for my own self, allowing myself to degrade myself that way. Allowing myself to stay and for not recognizing my own limits.

I stayed too long, and I lashed out. I regret that.

In my own case, worse things I did in this last relationship was tell second OW BH, and first OW I told she was dumber than a box of rocks. Every time she approached me, I called her Dumass and told her to go eff herself.

And my current ex, I told some girl he tried to associate with on a social site what he had done and he was so embarressed, he closed his site down.

See, it's only bad if other people know it.