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I have some of the messages between my WH and the AP. He tells her repeatedly that sex with her is "amazing".

She told him things that I know he wanted to hear. Porn star things, like how much she loved that taste of his c*m.

It all just makes me feel inadequate. I also feel like I can't do those things with him anymore. I don't want to go down on him, because that is what he liked about her. I don't want to sext with him because I read their messages to each other.

We were being intimate again, until dday #2 hit. Now I don't see how I'll ever be able to do it again.

Is it possible that she wasn't really that good? Or is it more likely that she was? He has always been a generally selfish lover, only occasionally concerned with my finish, and never taking the initiative to help me finish when he did first, which was 95% of the time, but it seems that he finished her multiple times. Percentage-wise, she got it more than I did :(

Nicnac....

I think I would stop comparing yourself to someone with no morals. My husband will not discuss the sex part.....he has never compare us, ever. But he has said to me that my mind has made the sex out to be something fantastic and it wasn't. He said he could only have wished it was that good. I think he started to realize there was no real LOVE between them and sex for him is all about showing his love. It became just an act he has also said that sex between us doesn't even comparing to what he had because our love making is a connection of our hearts.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 3:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Nicnac,

Good news and bad news, so I'll start with the bad news first. It's probably true that sex with her was amazing to him. It's affair sex with a new partner, the adrenaline rush must be incredible, your having an affair so all inhibitions are out the window, your partner is SOOOOO into you - it must be very amazing.

The good news? That's all AT THE TIME. I couldn't keep up with my wife's and her AP's sex sessions. I'm sure they were awesome - I know enough details to say that honestly. I bet they were about as amazing as when my wife and I met 20 years ago and probably for about the first five years of our marriage. Then it tapered off, jobs, kids, bills, sports, commuting, life all conspired to tone down the amazing to pretty good, sometimes amazing. After a while, it was more routine then amazing, as the conditions to have amazing sex were pretty hard to set up with kids in the house, so they became fewer and fewer. So your H and his AP might have had great sex because it was all new and fresh, but it wasn't competing with anything else in their life. It was their only focus. All their energy was going into sex - not into the marriage. It's hard to compete with that. But it's all an illusion that would burst if it had to face reality.

If your husband is remorseful, in time that amazing sex will bring him amazing pain. He will see how his selfishness has traumatized you. He will realize that you are his priority, and sex with you would be amazing if he put a tenth of the effort into it that he went through with his AP. If not, divorce his ass.

Tred....well said. I have already heard those words. Isn't it sad? The sadness can overwhelm you if you let it. All I try to focus on now is that we desire each other like we used to and we are trying hard not to let it leave ever again!

T

He tells her repeatedly that sex with her is "amazing".

They always do. Think about it....they can't very well say "that was the most god awful experience I've ever had" and hope to keep getting their egos stroked...ya know?

I guess one of the hardest thing for me was reading a message from him to her while they were discussing whether to continue the affair or cut it off. He asked "is sex, amazing sex at that, worth losing your family over". Like it was something he actually had to think about.

(((nicnac))) Can't be an easy thing to read. What it should be, however, is an illustration of how illogical and twisted affair thinking can get.

i got the same thing........

takes some time to get over....

Sorry you are having to experience these feelings.

Of course he would say this he was all hyped on the chemicals released when you engage in activities you know are wrong. Thieves get a rush much like this every time they steal something.

That being said. The chemical high while it can leave an impression of the sex being good, does not mean it was good sex. I think everyone can agree that good sex is experiencing a oneness with the person you are with. This can only happen when you are in love and you when you want to experience each other both physically and spiritually. This takes more than the act of actual sex.

Lets take the example of the high a person gets from stealing, their good feelings only last a few seconds then comes the paranoia, legal actions, guilt, lose of relationships, etc. Same with an A after the act comes all these same things. You can not take a small part of the whole experience and say the it was a good one, because every aspect was not good. Same with A sex. There is no way it will ever come close to what is experienced between 2 committed-loving partners.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 3:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Yes, I read some seriously XXX raunchy sh/t as well. Apparently WH has "NEVER" (all caps) wanted anyone as much as he wanted AP. You know, the woman he dropped immediately upon me finding out. It's all talk, it's all the fantasy. I have to keep reminding myself about that too. IT WASN'T REAL.

Old cow, I want so much to think like you!!

I know exactly what my WH said to the OWs yet, he hasn't told me. Will he? Probably not. Will that be the final wedge that ruins our R? Probably.

But I know him and know his intimate remarks and reactions.

I'm sure he wonders why my intimate reactions are so neutral now. Although if he were really smarter, he would know.

Funny, (hello! Not!) Is that WH says he never "talked" during sex until me.... Well yay.

So glad that I brought him something that he could share with his OW's. What a great teacher I am.

He has said that the sex wasn't that great.

Oh goody. Yet, he kept going back. God forbid he hurt her feelings.

Whatever.

Pay no attention to my post tonight. My birthday is Monday and he keeps asking what I want. All I can think is he wants to do something special yet, in doing that it makes me remember what an asshat he is. On any other year it would just be another birthday.

Yes, any other year he would try to doing something special but he is trying soooo hard it just makes me mad. Dumb I'm sure. And I will get over this, just as you will!!

(Hugs)

Nicnac...

I have the same issues... I know how my WH is with sex.. I also know he did much more with her than with me.. I am devastated and I can't remove myself from wondering if he did that with her.. Was she better.. Does he prefer her to me.. After all she was 25... I was 48... Hmm old,saggy and grumpy..she was new and young and tender .. How can we compete with that... I think that it's going to be amazing like it was for us when we met 20 years ago..

But I have a very hard time with sex now.. It's often just that for me sex.. I think hes comparing so i shut down..

He too tells me it was ok sex and that he couldn't always get it up.. But then I ask why back so many times.. The problem is that I don't know if he is lying about that too.. Maybe it was great but he doesn't tell me.. He says he doesn't compare but maybe he's lying.. So here I am.. Just there.

Of course It was great during the honeymoon stage. But he had lied and told me it was an EA only to find out later it they were having sex too.. Unprotected as well. I think I died that day.. I am over a year out.. Still a mess.

but it seems that he finished her multiple times.

Or so he thinks.

Have you ever seen "When Harry Met Sally"?

No, actually I have never seen "web Harry met Sally".

I didn't even think of that cause I've never done it. I don't see the point in faking it...

They faked lots of things. Their whole "relationship" was fake. Why not fake that too?

Cheaters lie. Not just to us but to each other. Do not take anything you read as the gospel truth.

The point in faking it (and I am not advocating this, because it is a lie and there is no room for lies in a real relationship) is to boost his ego. It demonstrates to him that he is such a FANTASTIC lover and he excites her SO MUCH that he produces multiple, earth shattering orgasms, probably without much real effort on his part (super bonus for him!) Just his mere hot and sexy presence is almost enough to put her over the edge. Get it? It is all about pumping him up and making him feel like so much more of a man (than he actually is). Who wouldn't like that kind of validation? I guess it doesn't even matter that it is all made up. Just another part of the super, duper fantasy of the A.

Very good explanation, Hoping!

I've had extremely passionate sex with some partners, and eh..not so much with others.

So, being honest, it's very possible they did have 'amazing' sex. Admittedly, affair sex DOES seem to be much more passionate and intense for cheaters because of the secrecy involved and the taboo nature of the whole thing. Couple that with the fact that these ignorant women look at these married guys like they're some kind of demi-gods or something, and it blows their egos into the stratosphere.

I also tend to think that women who have looser boundaries and morals will probably also be looser about what they'll let a guy do with them.

You know Nicnac, if your husband is as sexually selfish as you claim he is (and I believe you because he's already proved his selfish nature just by having an affair), then I wouldn't even make an effort to touch the guy at this point.

He seriously needs to be humbled and brought down a few pegs. Only a selfish horse's ass could get to this age and STILL think that sex is only about HIS pleasure. You expect that from 19 year old boys, not supposedly grown men.

I wouldn't be surprised if his ex-OW was claiming to have a g-spot orgasm (which means he wouldn't have had to do any other work than he normally does). Apparently, lots of men (thanks to porn) now seem to think that all a woman needs to climax is to be pummeled by their golden members and this magic g-spot orgasm just happens by osmosis. Morons.

I'd be willing to bet she claimed to be having those since he comes up horribly short in the reciprocity department when it comes to MUTUAL pleasure.

Pfffft.

In my experience, any time a guy gets off, the sex is amazing. It's even more exciting when it's illicit. It's likely that she was NOT all that good.

It was probably just regular sex, and really, she sounds like she is acting like a prostitute, using words that guys love to hear that builds up them as the best lover of all time. You know he's a selfish lover, and that probably has not changed. For whatever reason, she is stroking his ego and yup, probably lying about how many times she orgasmed. It's so easy for us women to lie about how many times we've had an orgasm because physiologically, often there is no proof of it other than the signs of sexual excitement that occur whether or not we actually orgasm.

My thoughts are this: amazing sex is not worth leaving your family over, ever. As a guy ages, the sex drive might fade, his equipment is likely to NOT work on its own, and guys who are selfish lovers will remain selfish lovers.

When my husband told me about his affair (even though we hadn't had sex in 25 years--you might want to read my post for more deets), and all the details because I asked, I thought to myself "Glad you *really liked it* because that's the last BJ you'll ever have while married to me."

I am so sorry you are going through this. I read and reread all the posts above me, and there is some great advice & input there.

Hope2B

What is amazing is how many affairs include types of sex the betrayed never got to try and how many of them would have willingly tried had the WS simply asked for it.

Part of marriage vows should include willing to ask for your deepest darkest kinks of your spouse not an AP.

Sorry it happened to you OP. noone can compete with a fantasy with no bills kids or everyday stress.