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I respect that this is the way you feel and I know that traditionally, this is how we see women, but trust me, and I know because I'm one of them, there are women out there who can separate sex and love.

And I don't think for one second that OP was in love with him. She barely knows him. She knows nothing about his life. She hasn't shared any of his pain or fears or hopes for the future. They shared sex for a few hours a few times a month for a year. There's a thriving open/poly community and I'd be willing to be that some of the people you know are out there in it. Monogamy is not the only relationship style that works.

Please stop being defensive. I am just throwing another idea out to you. Yes, there are women that can separate love and sex but chances are the many women he will encounter want to be something special for giving up something special.

And you don't have to tell me about love. We all know they didn't love each other and etc. We see that PLENTY of times on here... APs and WS claim to be in love and they barely know a thing about one another. Infatuation is a tricky bitch and many people throw that love word around like it is a real.

Again, just giving you another perspective. Non-monogamy can work, but in your case, I don't think it will. Think of it like this, you two have been together only a year... Do you think you can make it to 20 like this, when this happened at year one? Not trying to be harsh, just trying to open your eyes a little. Sometimes we BS are so hurt that we are unable to rationally think and consider down the line. I hope things work out for you. Infidelity, no matter which relationship type you have, is horrible.

Please stop being defensive. I am just throwing another idea out to you.

I'm sorry if I sound defensive. I do feel like people are not accepting of a different lifestyle choice. I'll try not to take it that way going forward.

Yes, there are women that can separate love and sex but chances are the many women he will encounter want to be something special for giving up something special.

There definitely are far more traditional-relationship women out there. And even the poly women don't really fit with our relationship because while they understand it, are good with rules and communication, ultimately, they're poly because they know that they tend to love multiple people and be very free with their hearts.

Non-monogamy can work, but in your case, I don't think it will.

That may be so. Time will tell. We've learned something about ourselves at every step of the way. But the trust is so damaged that it certainly can't right now. And I have no wish to be policing my partner all the time. If I can't trust him, I can't be in that kind of relationship with him. And maybe not in any kind of relationship with him.

Open, you do seem to realize that you need to make the choices that are right for you. I'm glad you are taking everything into consideration. I admire your strength in trying to tackle this difficult decision.

People don't often realize that open relationships often do work. I know couples that have been together for around 20yrs. I have been with my husband for 12yrs and neither of us have broken boundaries or rules during that time period(It was another SO that did this to me). I've also seen someone cheat within a year. Some work, some don't, just as with monogamy. As you know, people are not "out" about the lifestyle due to societies judgement.

I don't think you need to rush to any decision, but you need to watch his behavior. I do think the lying was purposeful, whether to avoid conflict or to just get what he wanted. I hope he isn't going to see new people until he can be trusted and does what you need to heal. That is, if you even decide to stay with him. Has he ever considered counseling to figure out why he let his boundaries slip or what made this seem ok?

Take care!

Chiming in here as someone who renegotiated the terms of my marriage to be more open -- after the betrayal indicated in my signature and before I knew I had been betrayed, we entered into an open relationship with several boundaries.

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. What is your WBF doing to help you? What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I would recommend a couple of books:

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

Intimacy After Infidelity

(((((Hugs)))))

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:45 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

I am very sorry you have experienced such a painful betrayal. I sincerely hope that the two of you are able to come out the other side of this even stronger. ((Hugs))

Thank you all for your support. We were able to spend a normal weekend together and he's been right with me and very supportive since this all happened. He woke me in my sleep the other night because I was crying. I barely remember it because I fell right back to sleep, but in the morning he told me about it. Tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn't look me in the face when he told me it was the worst thing he'd ever seen and he is so ashamed that he made me feel this way. He said he's worried I'll never be able to look at him, feel about him, the same way as I did before. I reassured him that I'm going to try and I do think we can get past it.

I've told him of my fear that if we ever open our relationship, this might just happen again, since it really wasn't about her and him, it was about getting some other need filled that allowed him to abuse my trust. He says he'll never let this happen again. Do I believe that? Not at this moment. We'll see once the pain is gone.

One thing I know is that I won't be happy being monogamous for long. But I think focusing on each other only for a while is what's necessary to get beyond this.

How are you doing today, OpenButBetrayed?

Open, I get what you are saying, the problem is he doesnt' seem to be able to stick to some clear boundaries, and this type of relationship may work for you, but not for him.

I do think that both of you sticking to manogomy right now is probably a really good idea. He needs to figure out why he crossed the boundary, and fix that, before you are going to be able to trust him to have an open relationship again.

Which may make it difficult if you are able to maintain the boundaries, and want to be able to have an open relationship on your side of things.

I know a few couples that have open relationships, and honestly they were couples for a long time, before they opened boundaries up. I'm not sure how it works, from the get go. I would urge you to get him to go to IC at a minimum, and couples with someone who has worked with relationships that are open.

Most of all take care of you.

((((and strength))))

How are you doing today, OpenButBetrayed?

Actually, I'm not doing too badly right now. I think spending that low-key time together this weekend doing mundane, simple relationship stuff was really important. When I did feel awful, we talked about it. And he related his anger at the OP for trying to hurt me/us. He can't believe someone who professed to care about him would do that. I know we're both going through something right now but it does feel like we both need each other to get through it.

Open, I get what you are saying, the problem is he doesnt' seem to be able to stick to some clear boundaries, and this type of relationship may work for you, but not for him.

This may be so. We've learned so much already about doing this well. Some bumps and bruises are expected I think, and I consider them the cost of this kind of relationship. Our communication on the whole has been better than any relationship I've ever been a part of. I am optimistic that once we're healed, we'll know how to progress.

I am pretty open minded, and I do not think anyone deserves to be betrayed. I suppose one can make any set of alternate boundaries that are contrary to general trends, and then get their heart broken over them as well.

I am afraid that with open relationships, however, that many people who enter them are folks that don't like having boundaries forced upon them from society -- and hence, are unlikely to be super respectful of any boundaries that come from others/outside.

Just something worth thinking about.

He's mad @the OP? Well, now, isn't that classic blameshifting, right there!?!

Apparently he STILL doesn't get it.

He's mad @the OP? Well, now, isn't that classic blameshifting, right there!?!

Actually, I don't agree. He's not blaming her for how the relationship got out of control, he takes full responsibility for that. But he's angry, and I think he has a right to be, that someone who professes to care about him would actively TRY to hurt him by hurting our relationship. There were many ways that she could have responded to my message without bringing the whole world crashing down around our heads. There were respectful ways to recognize that this had gone somewhere that it shouldn't have gone and of backing out, maintaining the friendship and not hurting everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have the band-aid ripped off and get the whole truth right up front. But I can see why he is hurt that she'd treat him that way.

Had she actually just admitted that her feelings were more than they should be, it still would have ended, but it would not have been quite so destructive. And someone who's going to act that way or react that way really has no business saying that they are "open" or "polyamorous" as it really requires a bit more maturity and the ability to empathize to behave correctly in these types of relationships.

I am trying to remember that he is having a lot of the same feelings probably that I am having with an added massive helping of shame to boot. It has to be hard.

OpenButBetrayed - I think you are handling this as best as you can. While you have a more unusual type of betrayal you are processing it all with strength and I am confident you will get through this. It just will take time.

I would caution you on spending too much time focusing on her and his feelings for each other. You expected her to care for him but not love him. In my opinion those type of feelings are not so black and white as to which box you fit in. I think the reason why you may feel the difference between care for and love is important is because you dont want to be replaced as a result of too much caring for or love for an open partner. If that is your boundary make sure he understands your fears clearly so he gets it is more than just words that may be said.

The bigger issue you should focus on in my opinion is why he choose to lie and deceive. Because he did that he knew what he was doing was crossing the line of what you were comfortable with. It sounds like he is acknowledging that he was wrong to lie and deceive you but he needs to earn back your trust. This will take time.