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Hey, I understand. I have very supportive friends and family who can't understand why I don't just D my WH. Maybe I will D him eventually, but I'll come to that decision when I'm ready for it.

You're the only one who knows what's really right for you, and if messing with their text messages amuses you, go for it.

Good job taking pics of the messages for later use. I know how hard it is to think rationally when one discovers that the WH lied...again.

Can I ask what your understanding of the 180 is?

IMO, it's a tool for you, not to get him to act in any certain way. Use it to clear your head, not to get him to come a'begging.

Please re-read it. Use it for you! This douchebag doesn't deserve the time of day from you yet.

Strength

Thanks for the support everyone... I have been a major codependant for many years. My IC suggested a version of 180 that was easier for me to manage and deal with. I am not using this as a way to wake him up, nothing is going to wake him up. although i do feel the need to occassionally point out the error of his ways. I am using 180 as a way to no longer be a codependant slave to a WS who doesn't give a shit. It is really hard for me with my past history. I am actually much stronger than I was 3 weeks ago, I hired a personal trainer, started going for massages to deal with my tmj and going out in the evenings with friends.

Our whole marriage I was home to meet and greet after a 9 hr work day, with a meal on the table, never did anything to take care of just me and only went out with friends if he wasn't going to be home ( he didn't like to be home alone poor baby). I no longer wash his laundry, run his errands or do things for him. I also no longer initiate texts during the day or conversations when we are home Considering all of this I am seriously 180 for me and only me, mainly for my sanity and because my IC felt I was approaching a breakdown if I didn't look after my needs.

I am pretty sure this marriage is going to reach its end at some point, just not until I am ready...too many ducks out of alignment yet and like I said reasons I don't want to get into. If I can mess with their heads a bit for my amusement while getting my shit together....well...fun for me!

Thanks again everyone... Every comment makes me think and proces things a bit differently in my head

too many ducks out of alignment yet and like I said reasons I don't want to get into. If I can mess with their heads a bit for my amusement while getting my shit together....well...fun for me

No.

Get your ducks in alignment.....and THEN start messing with them, if that is your desire.

You haven't said *why* you need to remain in your marriage right now, but if it's because of something really important (financial, health)......then the way you are handling things right now is playing with fire. Because what if your WH gets fed up, thows you out and cuts you off financially?

Okay. We're making great progress! You brought up the c-word. So, I have some books to suggest:

Codependent No More

The New Codependent

Melody Beattie

Boundaries in Marriage

Cloud & Townsend

And because being codependent isn't a spontaneous condition:

The Inner Child Workbook: What to do with your past when it won't go away

Cathryn Taylor

These books, IC and SI changed my life.

I wonder why you keep characterizing your husband as "naive." He isn't being haplessly led astray by a conniving OW. He is a willing participant in an ongoing betrayal, unwilling to even engage in the bare minimum of post d-day reparations.

His behavior is HIS to own. He may not be technically savvy, but he's no naif. It's time to at least hold HIM fully accountable in your own mind.

(Edited for spelling.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:43 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Gonna & Solus, I wonder if eg's WH is playing the dumb card. Mine did that. He'd play absent-minded professor, therefore I'd project on him the innocence I wanted for him and make excuses for his behavior. Since I wasn't capable of fucking up that much AND appearing as remorseful / forgetful / wrongly accused / innocent as he did, then it must be true that he simply was mistaken, he just didn't know, he forgot, he didn't realize, he didn't mean to...

I had no idea that there are people out there who ARE that deceptive. Who can twist reality so well. I had no idea that *I* was capable of being fooled & played like that. Heck, I didn't want to admit that I had been fooled & played. THAT would have been yet another major blow to my ego, to finally admit that I had been used & fooled, that it was *I* who was the idiot, not STBX.

Maybe emotionalgirl is wrestling with the same demons. EG, what do you think?

EG protect yourself emotionally, get yourself protected financially.

I understand the co-dependency issue's, mine couldn't be alone either, I know I hoped for many years that mine would some how become "normal",the reality was that he actually became worse as he aged,

Is your WH in counselling?

You know your WH, is he really as naive as you say,mine wore a lot of different faces,depended on the situation and people he was with, I used to call mine something but it wasn't the nice word naive,to me naive means innocence, the actions of mine were pure manipulation, or is it an act for you so that you take over and do things for him, the old "I don't know how to do laundry" when the reality is they ruin something, then say they just can't get it so you take over and do it all,

If your strong enough to play with their heads, and are having fun sitting back watching the fall out,and your gaining pleasure, and not causing yourself any extra stress or pain, then all I can say is they shouldn't have started playing a game with you if they didn't want you to play too,

I can't stress enough to protect your heart and your finances,

Keep up the good work with the IC, that's what helped me gain my strength and finally stand up for myself and say enough is enough

Since your WH has said he is in NC then he should be willing to change his cell number. That will let her know with no more communication to her that there will be no more contact. He should be willing to delete any email accounts. And he should be totally transparent and let you "coown" his phone and email meaning full access.

He does sound like he is manipulating you in a huge way. Going forward maybe he can share the housework with you. He's obviosly got too much time on his hands...

He is conspiring with her against you so he does not have your back.

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:57 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Yep. I mine is very good at playing the dumb/naive card. I fell for it our whole marriage. I would hear things like "But RB you do it so much better, you can do it faster, I am not very good at doing this can you help?" etc, etc, etc....and it worked right into my own "I can fix it" type of mentality.

So after 23 years I felt what a dumb ass I was married to and he was using me to be wife and mother at home while he was out being "fabulous" for other people. He needs me all right, just to make his life look good.

You are onto the very thing that is the cruxt of it all, the CoDep issue. Keep working on it. It will take a crowbar some days to get thru to you but each day you will have a "what the fuck!" moment and not believe you did everything you did to keep going a pretty shitty and one sided relationship.

Hi everyone....trust me when I say my WH is naive. He is the guy who believes that the guy begging for cash in front off the liquor store really does want money for food and then gets mad when he gives him 20$ and he walks straight into the liquor store. He just believes that no one can be up to no good and that everyone has the best of intentions. He always says I am a pessimist...I argue back I am a realist. It was something I always loved about him, now it is what is hurting us the most...his belief that this woman wouldn't do anything to hurt our marriage, she wants to see him happy with me

He came to me late last night and offered to have his phone cut off, since he needs it for him to obtain work when he is on layoff I told him that he couldn't do that but that changing his phone number would go a long way toward showing me he was sincere also told him that prior to switch of number I was sending a NC text that I wrote and he could read and push send to the OW. He agreed . He is already seeing IC. But I am not willing to meet half way unless he continues to see IC and told him so. He really is not tech savvy....I set up all of his email and computer account and set all of his passwords so I have always had access. Most of the time he can't figure out how to get onto hotmail to check it and screws up something on the computer which I have to fix.

I am very fortunate to have full control of our money, WH sucks at money management and admits it. He has an account which I have access to and keep topped up with money and a credit card in his name, billing comes to me and I make sure it is paid from his pay check. I also have an enduring POA as when he travelled allot for work he often could not get to a bank or fax to sign Importent papers and I wanted to be protected if he got seriously hurt.

My IC has helped me realize my co-dep and given me books to read. I have pulled back a ton and she says I am doing really well when I tell her the steps I have taken.

Meanwhile....I am actually a stronger person in many ways that most realize, my life made me that way....and it is just so much fun to mind fuck with people sometimes that I can't help myself. In all likely hood I am heading for D so why not have fun along the way if I don't I may loose my mind!

Your posts are very confusing. You keep saying you are headed to divorce but your actions show different.

In any event, I hope you are right and he is just naive. I am a BS with a WS that played dumb for as long as he could get away with it.

Now we are divorcing and I told him to talk to me like an adult if he wants any conversation from me and magically, he is on the road to adulthood. Not enough to save our marriage but enough that we can co-parent.

They get away with all that we allow them to. Keep us update on his progress.

Soooo.....I had sent the nasty text and came out of it looking like the better person. He was distressed by her answers and behaviour, said it was over but refused to send NC text. I predicted to him that given 24 hrs she would be texting him saying I was a bitch and how sorry she felt for him having to live with me etc etc. he said she isn't like that, was always just a friend I can't believe she responded the way she did blah blah blah. I figured if he was defending her then this A would just continue. Although I really didn't want to walk away at this time for may personal reasons, I thought long and hard through that night. I had made up my mind to let the chips fall where they may and if he chose her side I had called my GF to see if I could stay with her for awhile...I just finally reached a wall.

We spent the day with family yesterday and I had his phone all day. Well, holy hell can I call em or what she starts texting about noon. I am a horrible bitch, why does he even want to be married to me. Why doesn't he just walk away, he says we have problems anyway. Isn't he happier being with her, they could have more than a friendship if he leaves his miserable wife.... And on and on. I showed him the texts when we finally got home. He was shocked!

I have always said he was naive...well he texts her back." How can you be like this, I thought you were my friend, I told you all my marital problems and I thought you wanted to help. " she texts back

"wow you are so naive why would I want to help a great catch like you stay with your wife? I thought we could be great together and if I sympathized enough, when you realized what a bitch she is and that your marriage sucked, I could be here to console and we could have a great relationship".

He lost it.... Texted her " how could you be such a manipulative bitch, I trusted you, thought you were my friend. Friends don't do shit like that". She texts back " yea well happily married men don't lie and sneak around on their wife for someone they say is just a friend. I was just taking advantage of what you were doing to get a great guy for my self...no harm no foul"

He proceeded to send her a very nasty reply that ended with loose my number, forget my name and don't ever try to make contact or talk to me again! He then deleted her number and all her info and all her texts.

He cried and begged me to forgive his stupidity. We talked until 3am and I think I finally have the whole truth. I asked some very hard questions regarding time lines etc and got some very hard answers. I explained that i don't trust him and wont for a long time and that I am going to continue sleeping in the spare room. I am also not going Back to being his 24 hr on call slave. There has to be some changes if he really wants to save this marriage and it is going to take allot of work to repair my hurts. This morning HE got up called our 24hr EFAP line and made an appointment for a MC.

Score one for a BS.....just maybe I might end up in R after all 😶 only time will tell.

In your first post you mentioned that he was having an EA. I believe it's more than that by his actions (his truck at her house, planning to meet, etc) He can call it a friendship all he wants but it's not. It sounds like, even though he has promised to do everything right, he is still lying to you. Until you get the whole truth, you can't believe anything he says. They have ways of contact even if you have all passwords. Get a lawyer and at least see what your options are, even though you aren't ready to split.

Sounds to me like it was a planned fight to make you think they weren't going to continue. You "called it", but sounds like he told her what you thought was going to happen and she delivered so he could "break it off with her".

The last post sounds very fishy and contrived to me. Be cautious.

The last post sounds very fishy and contrived to me. Be cautious

I felt the exact same thing. It sounded very scripted to me too. Be watchful that it wasn't a set up.

Yep. Count me as another one who immediately thought SET UP!

They are suckering you in while they get THEIR ducks in a row!

And I betchya ANYTHING he has a new and secret phone.

Take a look at your relationship and think about where you will be in two weeks. Will it just be more of the same crap, or will it REALLY have changed?

Then think a year down the timeline; two, three...

Decide whether you really want to be this boy's "Mama" and policewoman, or whether you want a partner to walk beside you through life.

Get into some couples counseling. I hope you can work things out so that you have the best possible future, whether it is together or apart.

Make a list of what YOU want for YOUR future and see whether or not he really belongs in it.

All the best to you!

The last post sounds very fishy and contrived to me. Be cautious

Yes. This is my bet, too.

And given the truck in the driveway, I'm not buying "naive EA" either.

Being non-savvy with technology does not make one immune to infidelity.

I'm with the last 5 or 6 posters.

That whole phoney baloney text 'fight' was a complete set up. It's a bit ridiculous that your husband got all incredulous that his 'friend' isn't Pollyanna of Sunnybrook Farm. I mean really, who do these two think they're kidding?

It's been nothing but lies and sneaking and cheating and they want you to suddenly believe they're only 'buddies' and he's 'shocked' at her manipulative, underhanded and diabolical plot to try to steal such a married 'catch?'

Lordy.

Seriously, these two are pathetic.

It's one thing to be 'naive' and believe the bum in front of the liquor store is really going to buy food with the $20 he gave him. It's quite another to sneak and lie and cheat and try to pretend he's innocent and to naive to know he was being led down the garden path by Curella Duville.

I ain't buying it.

Sorry, emotionalgirl.

Don't trust these two. They'll yank the rug right out from under your feet.