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We had a lovely day - big party at daycare (family and non-daycare friends party is this weekend) with surprise appearances by Tinkerbell and a Pirate who also happened to be master face-painters and balloon twisters.

I then picked the girls up early and we had a fun-filled park visit followed by dinner and icecream at our favourite Thai restaurant (right next door to the old house - we live only 1km/0.6 miles away) then lots of shenannigans at bathtime and before bed followed by a squealing game of peekabo with the kittens chasing our hands under the bedroom door.

A blissful day all up.

The hard part? I posted a pic of her first bath at home on FB and we started going through all of their baby photos on my FB. I forgot how much they love seeing these photos and hearing about the first time I saw them. I forgot how misty the thoughts and memories make me. I'm sad that I find these photos hard to look at. A little angry too.

I was so desperately sad during their babyhood. They were the easiest babies on the planet but deep down I always wondered if all time and energy I put into them caused the huge gulf in my M. I now know it definitely wasn't but still, I'm sad for ever having the thought. For the lost time. Time I'll never get back.

I'm more than making up for it now - even with 50/50 I am ten times the mother I was back then. Patient, engaged, happy, loving. I was those things before but it wasn't always natural like it is now, I faked it a lot.

I know the only way through it is through it but damn - their baby photos and birth stories being a trigger sucks arse. Big.Time.

Have any of you been through this too and does it pass eventually? It has dampened from the last 2 birthdays but I guess I'm looking for some hope that this in particular won't happen come up every time I look at their photos or think of their lovely birth stories.

TBH I'm also a worried that I was a bit hesitant to type these feelings out let alone actually post it. To date I have really enjoyed embracing my vulnerability but I'm not liking it one bit ATM.

It is such a beautiful photo too.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 7:21 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

Happy Birthday to your precious little one and congratulations to you for making it such a lovely day for both of you !

My girl is 5 and was just 2 when I had my big DDay- I feel I lost almost one year with her then because I wasn`t functioning as a mom- I couldn`t play with her,sing to her, NOTHING, I was so empty and desperate.

The only thing I could do was reading to her because I can read aloud without even registering what I am reading therefore I had time to play all the mind movies in my head.

And before DDay I felt constantly alone with her and DS , well in fact I WAS as their father had already checked out of our marriage.

Only now I feel the strong bond forming between me and her.

Of her early childhood I have nothing but sad memories and the feeling of utter despair.

Hugs to you, and your beautiful girls.

THat photo is so beautiful it has brought tears to my eyes. Happy Birthday to your little girl.

oh wow ... I LOVE that picture! Being vulnerable is being strong! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

My DD just turned 18 and we were also looking at baby photos. I chose two to put on my facebook In time, going through baby pictures and birth stories will be less triggery. The further along you are in moving forward will change/evolve how you look at your past. Does that make sense? Sorry.

Bottom line ... you had a wonderful and lovely time with your daughters! You ARE an incredible mommy!!