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Making analogies to alcoholism, physical abuse, drug addiction, etc to infidelity is just saying that that the WS had a problem with the M (or whatever) and the coping mechanism that was chosen was to have an A.

That's exactly the point. Partners aren't co-responsible for other broken coping mechanisms their spouses employ, the idea that infidelity is a problem both partners share responsibility for is as ridiculous as suggesting the partner of an alcoholic is responsible for the alcoholism.

The choice to have an A is an extremely selfish and damaging one as a way to deal with life's stresses...

Sure some of the stress that one is under can be VERY severe and extreme...Still, no excuse!

Does a person have a right to go out and murder somebody else as a way to cope with stress?

There are a number of things that no person is allowed to do and get away with it...Murder, having an A, stealing from another person, lying are all high up on this list...

One can make up any rationalization that he wants to for why he or she planned and carried out the premeditated murder of another person..Same goes for the choice of stealing another man's property or having an A with his brother's wife, etc,etc.. There is simply no excuse or any rationalization for making any of these choices and continuing to be seen and treated as a decent person in society.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:06 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

I agree doggiediva. One can get extremely angry and want to break every dish in the house or go and beat someone up. But that isn't acceptable.

We can be extremely under stress to almost the breaking point, but that doesn't excuse us so we can go spend all our money on gambling.

There are consequences to all our action

I agree doggiediva. One can get extremely angry and want to break every dish in the house or go and beat someone up. But that isn't acceptable.

We can be extremely under stress to almost the breaking point, but that doesn't excuse us so we can go spend all our money on gambling, drinking or drugs.

There are consequences for bad/wrong choices.

The BS did not force the WS to make a choice to have the affair.

The following is not a religious statement per se, but should for the purpose of the discussion be taken in a historical context:

The Ten Commandments were a set of rules for a society and most of our laws are based on them. Most cultures around the world follow the same basic rules/laws. They are very old rules and very basic: no murder/killing, no stealing, no lying, NO ADULTERY.

The WS did something wrong and must own up to that. Yes, they may blame circumstances and give reasons, (and in way too many cases blameshift the cause on the BS) but it is still a wrong choice that has a lot of consequences.

Read through everyone's taken and I have to say I think everyone who suggested I focus on IC and leave MC for a while probably is right - I need to sort my own head and feelings and this still overwhelms me. I said to my H he should also get IC and I think he will. I don't think he "gets" what it is he has done and the extent of the harm. I know he wants to rug sweep. I was looking at pictures on the iPad and my little guy did the usual touching of the screen and he managed to pop up an early pic which was one of the ones my H shared with his OW two days after the birth. I was very emotional and explained to my H why I was tearful - he actually said that he couldn't see what he big issue was about as I had posted the same photo a few weeks later on Facebook....REALLY....I left the house for four hours and he later apologized but I do think he just doesn't have the very clue about how vile his A was, particularly the timing. I'm not prepared to go into another MC until he actually wakes up to that and while I am all for focusing on what I could have done better in our M not before he processes the pain he has caused....

I'm not prepared to go into another MC until he actually wakes up to that and while I am all for focusing on what I could have done better in our M not before he processes the pain he has caused....

Exactly. You keep on trusting your instincts MJ because so far, yours are spot on. ((Hugs))