but unless your husband is a SA, serial cheater or psychopath
I think another thing being left out here is that some who cheat never really had the same strong moral code. Many BSs here will claim that cheaters are "broken." Well that is according to our moral code, and they are not necessarily broken by their own moral code, or by others with the same type of moral code.
After reading about some who cheated while engaged, or right after the wedding, they might not really be SAs or psychopaths, but they might have weak morals or different morals than we do, and in their mind lying about being monogamous is not really "that bad" in their mind, and having sex with others is not "bad" either. They believe in being selfish and entitled and that is just who (some) people are inside.
A it's like saying that one spouse is responsible for the other's escapes like drinking, drugs, gambling, etc.
I actually think sometimes spouses do blame these behaviors on each other, but I don't think it is right for them to do that. Sometimes it is part of that dynamic of vicious cycle that might be part of the lead up to one cheating in the M. But I would be very irritated if an MC brought this up before knowing many details of the M, kind of painting a picture that in "all" marriages, the partners are co-responsible for affairs. I would say in at least SOME marriages, there might have been issues that one or both partners were contributing to, that did contribute to an eventual A.
I'd ask the MC if she felt the same way about domestic violence, or verbal abuse, or drug or alcohol abuse....are those shitty coping skills 'caused by the marriage'?
I have verbally abused my H on occasion and in my mind, even to this day, some of his actions precipitated this abuse. Doesn't make it right for me to do that. He did things that he knew would anger me to this level. However, I also acknowledged that I needed to get that under control, and I have done so. I'm kind of proud of myself for that.
My H never even brought that up but I see on my own that it was wrong and damaged his self-esteem and made him more ripe for the pickin's when the whore came around and told him that he was practically God on the same day I called him an idiot. But that is just one situation: mine. I would never in a million years suggest any two situations follow any given pattern, and I hate that so many counselors do that.
How about alcoholism?
It's an escape that devastates everybody involved and is also a wholly selfish choice on the part of the alcoholic.
My answer to this has always been that I would divorce an alcoholic even faster than a cheater. I have no tolerance for some behaviors even though he may not have said a vow to me specifically stating he would not become an alcoholic, when we got married. Ironically, I did kick my H out because of lying and drinking, for a while, before D-day #2. I didn't know he was also cheating on me at that time. I kicked him out for the drinking and lies.
We didn't do MC and I'm just as happy that we didn't. I know what I will tolerate and what I won't. He had a choice to shape up and be a man who deserved to be married to someone like me, or not. Miraculously, he did exactly that. My H was just as messed up as the worst of them during that year his mother and DD died, and yet when faced with getting his act together or losing me, he did the right thing, and without counseling. And my H and I both have as many FOO issues as anybody here. I just don't believe that spending years of rehashing our childhoods is all that helpful. It does help to recognize things that were wrong in our childhoods and try not to repeat them, but for us, that is about as far as it goes.
We have been married for 18 years and are closer than ever and communicate better than ever.