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Sorry you're going through this but glad you're making progress in your understanding of your WW. I would advise any future letters or messages to your WW you run by your attorney. My attorney told me their clients often were the ones who turned what could have been a simple process into a lengthy, costly one. It's understandable that it happens because we operate from a place of deep emotional hurt. That's why I bounced things off of my attorney before taking any actions. It's a matter of protecting yourself.

Good suggestion about running it by my attorney.

Will do that in the future.

Yes, I am finally, after three months, starting to see a bit more clearly. Right now my WW doesn't give a crap or have any respect for me. In fact her actions tell me she only cares about herself and the AP. Not sure what took me so long to realize it, but I'm not going to chase someone who doesn't love me. I'm no longer going to act and take care of responsibilities as her husband. Her AP should start taking care of her, not me.

Every night the last few nights, I re-affirm to myself, let her go, she is no longer my wife, I deserve better. It seems to be working.

I haven't noticed any changes in my WW's behavior. But I'm sure she notices my change. I only talk to her breifly when necessary. But it's polite at least.

Way back in the day I suggested the following regarding divorce and I still think it holds true:

NEVER talk D with your wife. IF she initiates d-talk then simply say “I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to trust myself to act rationally and protect my interests. All D-talk should be through my attorney Mr. Ieat Sharks Forlunch.”

I'm feeling better these last few days. Sadness still creeps up on me, but I keep saying to myself, just let her go, I deserve better.

Not much talk between me and my WW (besides stuff about the kids). I reminded her once via email to either move out of the house, or pay her share of the housing expenses.

I told the rest of our mutual friends about the affair and divorce. I even told my WW's mother yesterday. So now the A is fully exposed. OMW has been doing the same thing.

My attorney has done everything he can to speed things along. But my WW is dragging her feet turning in the necessary info/paperwork.

I met with the OMW last night. She said her WH has made several excuses about why the divorce needs to be delayed and asked her "what's the rush"? She thinks he is concerned about the hit he will take financially (she will get 50% of the company that he built).

I've been researching homes I could afford to buy after the divorce. Did some budgeting, post D. Trying to go out more with friends.

It's 15 weeks after D-Day. I'm still alive and haven't lost my mind yet.

But so far I dont think I had one good thing break my way these past weeks.

I figure something has to happen to my advantage sooner or later. Just waiting now for the D to move along. I think my WW is aware of my change in attitude.

Oh she is aware Coda.

Her Plan B is leaving and she knows it.

Keep up the "Dont give a sh!t attitude".

Fake it till you make it.

Get your share of the expenses and divorce her in 10 seconds flat.

I hope the OMW keeps up the momentum and gets her fair share as well.

How are your kids holding up COda?

HM

I let her draw me into a fight. A mistake. But I learned she still thinks she has me. She made a comment about how ill apologize in few days. I won't though. I will go through with the divorce. She thinks I'm bluffing.

We mentioned this before, how your wife considers your divorce threat to be bluffs. she thinks she calls all the shots and you will reconcile if things fall through with the OM. In fact, you recently stated you would if she ended the affair.

The amount of humiliation this woman has dumped on you is appalling, but I see you are getting to the point where you genuinely see no way back. Imagine if she did agree to reconcile. Can you imagine it being successful given her lack of respect for you and the painful memories you have to live with?

Thats why posters on SI say genuine reconciliation can only come from a totally remorseful WS, who is willing to endure your anger and tears, for years if necessary. Your WW does not qualify. Her 'reconciliation' would be tainted with arrogance and disrespect and as such would be ultimately unsuccessful.

Its a painful road to the divorce courts, but sometimes its the only path that makes sense.

She NEEDS a fight.

OK now said pages ago that WW need to argue because:

“She is now full of self-righteous anger; you are the bastard she always thought you were; you deserve to be cheated on etc. etc.“

And I said pages ago:

“The WW wants a reason to leave you so the WW starts arguments (that you don’t respond to). These arguments are aimed at justifying her view on the marriage.”

Coda – Both R and D are tasks that you have to commit to. You can’t really be semi-divorcing while reconciling. I know you know that you alone can’t reconcile – that you need your wife to be part of the team. And I also know that you know she can’t R while still in an affair with OM. Ergo: your only option is divorce.

It might not be what you want but it’s the least evil of the options you are being offered.

I know that you know this.

That could change IF she lets you know she wants to reconcile and her actions support her words. But even then… Her actions better support her words. Frankly I don’t see that happening and I definitely see the train pulling out of the station.

Yes, I feel so stupid for letting her get me angry again. It was for something really dumb too. She did laundry she folded all the clothes except mine, on purpose to make me angry. Ugh!

Guys, I really am at the point where R is out of the question for me. And I am anxious to get the Divorce done asap. It would take a miracle for us to R after all this. And the effort to convince me to R would have to be from her 1000%. And even then I am not sure if I would want to. Anyway she has way too much pride and is stubborn. So I doubt this will ever happen.

I meet with my attorney tomorrow. And will ask him to try and speed up the process.

She will not reconcile; she is arrogantly perched on that pedestal of pride and she is incapable of climbing down and humbly asking for your forgiveness. Added to that she is not alone; she has the emotional support of the OM. Its you that is isolated and its so heartless of her not to have a shred of compassion for your situation.

Given that most affairs don't turn into happy relationships, it will be interesting to see what the future brings for her. Once you are free of her malignant daily presence things will improve so much for you.

We went to MC to find out the best way to break the news to the kids about the divorce. We ended up bickering in the MC session so the counselor had to remind us both to be adults and try to be civil until the divorce is finalized (since we are still living together). Since then it has been more civil at home.

Talked to my attorney yesterday. He said to not be surprised if my WW suddenly changes her mind about custody. I asked him to please do whatever is possible to speed up the process. My attorney said depending on the negotiation process, the D will take several months. Ugh!

I think my WW is starting to realize some of the practical/financial realities of getting D. Last night she was asking if there was a way we could keep our home and not sell it. The reality, is that neither of us can afford to buy the other out, so we will have to sell. Then she started talking about how it would be better if the kids were able to live in the same neighborhood at least. I said I agree, except the reality neither of us individually can afford the homes in our current neighborhood. That means change of friends and possibly schools for a our kids.

I finally told my younger sister about the affair and divorce. Turns out she knows the AP casually. She asked around and found out that the AP had a previous affair with a 20-something girlfriend who lived in LA. And that he frequents hostess bars. More confirmation the guy is a loser/creep. I'm not going to share this info with my WW. She will find out on her own sooner or later.

OMW finally got her immigration issues sorted out. She will file for D soon. It will be interesting how that goes. AP will take a bigger hit financially since his WW is a housewife and he owns a company which his wife is entitled to 50% in Hawaii.

[This message edited by coda87 at 4:48 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

So your selfish wife is beginning to see the damage and upheaval caused by her affair and to make it worse she will eventually lose the creep OM and end up with nothing. I agree that when she sees she will have nothing but her kids, she may attempt to rework custody arrangements.

Sometimes marriages end because of stubborn pride and the inability to admit blame and wrongdoing. So it seems to apply to your wife. Even if the OM vanished from the equation she will not change her attitude, will not ask for forgiveness. Such madness.

And I also know that you know she can’t R while still in an affair with OM. Ergo: your only option is divorce.

I have an extremely rational mind, but it took me many excruciating months to finally accept this simple logic, Coda. It really is that black-and-white. Even now, well into the divorce, my heart is still playing catch-up with my head. I know what you are going through. I could be telling this to myself one year ago: Please put a stop to her emotional abuse. It really can get worse and worse until the pain truly becomes unbearable as it did in my case. Let her go. No remorse/no dumping AP = keep the divorce going. But tread carefully. Expect craziness.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:00 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

My partner has same crappy attitude as what you are dealing with. Its really hard to deal with especially when so many WS seem instantly remorseful.

I would tell OBS asap. Do not chase your wife, she will not respect you for it and it will end up making you feel worse about it all.

I do really feel for you its so difficult when somebody appears to switch of their feelings so swiftly. call on your friends and family and get out there show her she is not the be all and end all. She may still not come back but by the time you know this for sure you will have started rebuilding a life for yourself. Good luck xx

sorry was replying without realising there was another page of responses Doh!!!! x

Amazing how they are shocked when they are hit with consequences of their actions isn't it? Like they really believe we should accommodate their piss poor behaviour. And they get angry at us with all the blameshifting!!! Its all very bizarre x

I haven't posted and update in 9 days. My WW and I don't talk much. Basically I see her in the mornings and nights that she is not out. But I try to avoid talking to her except about our kids.

I've been going out more. Last Thur I had dinner with a friend whose wife also left him. Saturday I went out drinking with my younger sister by 11 years and some of her friends. And I had a great time. Tomorrow I have lunch with the OMW. And then we go out again on Saturday night to see the Nutcracker Suite.

My WW wont move out, so I arranged it so that we watch the kids 50/50. She looks really tired and stressed out. But she still goes out on Mo We Fr and comes back 12-2am. I have Tu Th Sa, but I don't always go out. And if I do, I usually come home before the kids go to bed.

I talked to my mortgage broker. I might just be able to qualify to refinance our home on my own. But I might be a little short to buyout my WW. I talk to my attorney about that on Fri to see if we can negotiate something with my WW and her attorney. I would feel much better for me and my kids if we could stay in our home.

I have brief moments where I feel relief from the sadness of the situation. Earlier today, I actually thought I felt content/happy for a bit. I think going out and trying to have a good time helps.

OMW said her WH invited her to lunch about a week ago after they both ran the Honolulu Marathon. And after he sent her an email about his feelings. He said to her thanks for being there for him. Sorry he was a bad husband, and not making her happy. I told her at least it seems he feels somewhat bad/guilty and that he expressed those feelings to her. I doubt I will ever hear the same from my WW. OMW said she will still divorce him though. Now that their family received their permanent visas, its the green light for her to move forward with D. I told her I'm pretty sure I am at that point with my WW.

This may sound funny, but now I see myself less as victim of A. Instead I see my WW having created very difficult future for herself. Despite the way she has treated my these last few months, somehow I still have some empathy about what she will face sooner or later. It really saddens me to think about what she will go through once she realizes what she risked and lost for the AP. Or maybe she will never realize, who knows.

In conversations with the OMW did she mention any comment from her STBXH about setting up house with your wife? Curious about whether that relationship is still flourishing or stagnating. The odds are that your wife will end up alone which is precisely what she deserves.

Meanwhile all you can do is press on with the divorce and hopefully buy your wife out of her share of the house so she can leave. You deserve some good fortune after all the crap that has been dumped on you over the past few months. This Xmas may suck, but here's to future yuletides that are full of cheer.

Regarding the the AP moving out, the OMW has been pushing him to move out of their condo. But, his excuse is that the lease runs til the end of March. So he asked her to wait until then. I'm not sure of the logic behind this. He could move out now, and let his BW and kids stay until the lease expires, while he gets another place for himself and my WW. Maybe he doesn't have as much money as it seems. AP & OMW rent a condo, they don't own any real estate, residential or commercial. Their cars are Volvo and MB, but 2006 & 2005 models. I get the feeling he makes money, but spends it on going out to dinners, drinking, on women like my WW, etc.

My WW and I own a newer 4 bed home in nice gated community with 50%+ equity. We own another investment condo free and clear. I drive a 2010 Toyota, but I just got my WW at 2013 Lexus in May because she wanted a nice car. But hey, my WW says our marriage was boring. So maybe I was too frugal with our finances.

I've asked my WW to move out several times, and have the AP pay for part or all of it.

Her excuse is that she doesn't have the money, she doesn't want to be away from the kids, and she doesn't want to move out because it's my idea. I told her she can see the kids 50% of the time, which is what we talked about when we D, joint custody. A few of our friends that I exposed the A to have tried to contact my WW. But they said she has not returned their calls/emails. I imagine out of shame.

I'm not really sure what is the relationship status of my WW & AP. I've caused not drama the last 10 days, so nothing for her to run to the AP for comfort her about. I can imagine that must get tiring for the AP. All I know is that she still goes out M W F. But I think last week she only went out two days with him because on of the days she kept texting me about small stuff throughout the night. When she is with him, she rarely text's me. This week I also think she will only see him twice. She switched days with me on Fr to Th so she can go to her tennis club party. I'm not actively spying on them anymore. I know pretty much all I need to know. And I think I'm caring less about what she does recently.

Sounds as if you are on a good path emotionally.

It’s not what you wanted, it’s not what I hoped the outcome might be but… it’s what you are dealt with and you realize that you are doing the best with what you are dealt with.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your WW had some regrets and might try to open a path to reconciliation. If she does then what will be different is that now it’s YOU that needs convincing.

Should you reconcile? Has she crossed some ethical bridge that makes this case irreconcilable? Well… I don’t know. I think it’s always a case by case evaluation where you alone can be the judge. It’s totally your call IF it comes to that.

On a practical matter: Regarding the house. If you think that financially you can manage with keeping it on your income then remember that divorce is based on a fair distribution of assets. Not necessarily exactly equally split 50/50 per item. Some consideration is placed on who brings in the bacon, why the other has a lower income, contribution to joint funds and so on. So if buying her half might be hard then maybe she can receive “payment” in keeping her pension untouched, getting the Lexus, paying less CS or having the difference defined as “prepaid child support”.