WS doesn't believe in Divorce
He may say he doesn't believe in divorce, but if he engaged in infidelity, he made the choice to divorce, even if by proxy.
Why? Because the decision to cheat is the decision to end a marriage. It doesn't always turn out that way (well, it does end the marriage, but sometimes, with hard work, the rubble can be built into a new, stronger one). But adultery is one of the few clear-cut, Biblically-sanctioned reasons for divorce.
He may not believe in walking into a courthouse, himself, to file for divorce. Frankly, by your description, it sounds as though that's less faith-based than because he generally lacks motivation to do anything constructive.
But he most assuredly believed he was entitled to break the vows that made your marriage sacred, didn't he?
So, he chose divorce by proxy--making YOU the "bad guy." That you have chosen not to divorce him is a gift---one I'm not sure should be bestowed.
You mention giving it over to God. I think it's wise to surrender what we can't control. In fact, I have the word "surrender" tattooed inside my wrist to remind me of this---it was a crucial skill for me to master, and a huge challenge.
But healthy surrender does NOT involve giving up the things you CAN control. As the adage goes, "God helps those who help themselves."
At this point, you risk becoming complicit in your own betrayal. One of the hardest aspects of infidelity, for me, was a mighty struggle with anger at myself--that I didn't see. That I believed. That I trusted. That, once I did know, I gave too many chances, and believed, and trusted again.
Find your power. Do whatever you can to improve your life, to bring yourself joy (if only fleeting), with the understanding that the only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can change is YOU.
Start making small changes for the better. It's unbelievable how empowering it is--even seemingly minor things add up, and lend you strength you didn't know you had.
Surrender what you can't control, certainly. But please, please don't mistake that advice for becoming passive and complacent about your OWN actions. You are still responsible for your own healing, your own well-being. As a parent, you are responsible for your children, as well--though of course you cannot control their thoughts, feelings or actions. You CAN protect them, model strong, decisive behavior, show them what love is intended to be.
Allowing this disrespect and mistreatment benefits no one, and harms you.
[This message edited by solus sto at 4:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)]
