I know this is such a basic question. I am struggling with it though. I just am not sure what it looks like and if I am expecting too much. I am trying, like my post yesterday, to see it through his lens.
If I were remorseful, if I had betrayed, abandoned, was cruel, this is what I hope that I would do -
Listen to the pain, express my sorrow for causing the pain, express what I think of my actions now
Respond to requests, text you everyday, yes
Read, yes
Make plans for us to do things, yes
What can I do for you? How can I help you?
I hope that I would bring up my actions, what I thought about during the day, express how I think it must be for you, express what I feel now about my actions, express how much I appreciate that you think I am worth going through this.
When I see you sad, try not to be impatient, realize that I caused the sadness, realize that I can only soothe you.
When I see things that you could do to help yourself, such as eat better, exercise, I would make dinner for you, I would say let's go for a walk. Not criticize you for not doing enough. I would realize that you are doing what you can and just going to work or cleaning the house is a huge effort.
I have asked for the texts, he did it for a while, now he gets upset if I don't text him all day. I always respond, immediately. I tried to explain that it just lets me know I am on his mind. It is a comfort to me at work, it calms me. He thinks I should reach out to him. To me it takes away the meaning if I have to remind him, text first, I have at times but it just doesn't have the same effect on me.
He has stopped drinking, 4 months now. That is huge, we would never make it if he had continued to drink.
He listens to me, listens to the events that cause me pain still. Sometimes he says, I am sorry that happened. Twice he has apologized, briefly, with words that helped. Mostly, it seems that he just listens and does not respond or just says, yes I did that.
When he says to me, that must have made you feel...it helps. It makes me feel like he understands.
I feel like I want more. When I tell him what I need, many times it turns into an argument. He turns it back on me, I am not doing enough to help myself.
I guess that I think by telling him what would help me, I am helping him, giving him the means to reattach to him. Forgive him.
We were reading How Can I Forgive You, together. We talked about how important an apology is. He tells me I know what you need, I am working on it. 4 months now.
He tells me to just appreciate what he is doing and just let the rest happen naturally.
I try. At the same time though, I feel resentment starting to build. He wants me to be loving, he wants me to give to him. I do try. I do give. I tell him I love him. I am physically affectionate. I tell him that I believe we can get through this. I tell him I want to forgive him, that I do not wish for revenge, that it hurts to see his pain. I cook for him, do his laundry. I rub his hands when they are sore from work. I try to explain to him that as he gives to me what I need to heal, makes me feel like my heart is safe with him again, I will become more open to him, I will be able to let go more. I think that if I felt like he was being more proactive in this process, it would be easier for me to turn the focus onto my own healing. I know, I need to do this even if he is not giving what I need. I have to stop trying to force him, push him.
I think that I worry that by the time he gets this, I will not care.
Can anyone give me concrete examples of remorse? I don't think I have ever had anyone express it to me. I know how I have expressed it, but that is just me.
He tells me he feels remorse, he feels shame, is that remorse?
Am I asking for too much? Being too impatient?