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WH is looking at his "whys".

Tonight he says it was because he has a "compassionate heart" SERIOUSLY???

WH is a minister - one AP was a congregant with mental health issues and the other was a volunteer/colleague.

I am a nurse - I get compassion, but hey that is a long way from being sexually involved from someone.

Seriously - this is a reason for an affair - a "compassionate heart"????

I feel like he is wrapping it up in rainbows and unicorn fantasies so he still somehow comes up smelling like roses.

Am I missing something here?

At least he is trying to get an answer. Many WS don't even do that. If you feel he is not taking the gift of R seriously. Then do something about it. R is as much your responsibility as it is his. So if your not feeling it, bail. Best for all involved. But if you really think R is possible allow him to keep digging for answers. No one strikes gold their first time out.

Why is like an onion, or one of those Russian dolls.

Just because he has a crap answer does not mean that he is wrong, it might be that he needs to look inside that answer to find another why.

Why did having a compassionate heart make him think that he should have an affair? Somewhere if he keeps digging through the dumb reasons he will eventually find the true fuckedupedness.

Um...NO

Compassion is a universal spiritual principle. You cant have compassion for the OW and insensitivity toward your spouse at the same time.

If by compassion he meant KISA. Becoming emotionally involved in others issues in an attempt to save could cause the blurred boundaries. But there are way more why's to how it went further than that.

Calling it compassion is dressing it up in a pretty package and minimizing it.

I think, like stronger, that it is a start but he still has a long way to go.

Chico, he is definitely the KISA type. Maybe he interprets that as compassion. Certainly he had no compassion for me during his affairs and when he first partly confessed to me, the only concern he expressed was for the mOW#1.

Stronger, I do think he is taking R seriously - he is very committed but I think we are pretty rudderless in how to rebuild. This isn't his first 'why', but the others blame shifted too.

I think self-reflection, delving into Foo issues etc is important for both of us. But I feel he is pretty selective in what he will focus and dig on. He seems to prefer blogging on other spiritual topics.

We are 16 months out and although we are in monthly IC and MC, we seem static. In some ways it just feels all too hard and huge for me to come to terms with.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 5:44 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Bottom line is that he cant pick and choose the issues he wants to focus on. To me that's a half assed approach that simply will not work. But you also need to be vocal about how you feel and where you think work needs to be done. Your responsible for your feelings and he for his. The both of you are responsible for the health of the M. So if you have issues or concerns you must speak up. I firmly believe that people can and do have the ability for change. It just takes hard work. And the whole picture needs to be looked at. Not just what certain areas. The way I interpret R is that its sort of a trial period where both parties agree to do their best to make things better. During that trial period if one of you decide that its just not working for you its in the best interest of all involved to pull the plug. It takes time to sort through this mess. But he also needs to understand that you have minimum requirements that need to be met. And you need to understand that your under no obligation to accept what he is giving. He knew the risks going into an A. He took those risks anyway. And he must accept what you ask for. And there is no shame if you want out either. KWIM ?

I think I get why you're pissed avicarswife...

He's couching his horrible choices in soft euphemisms - a compassionate heart - indeed!

In reality he violated his post as a minister, and dishonored his vows as a husband. It's blunt and brutal - and he did it!

He has more work to do...a lot more work to do.

What Aesir said made a lot of sense to me, particularly given the example you gave.

I'll speak for myself now. Your H's "Compassionate Heart" is a positive characteristic. It seems to me that your H needs to get to the negative characteristic, before he can understand "why".

Let me give you an example. This is only an example and is not intended to relate directly to your H. It is intended to illustrate what would be a more fully-developed "why", IMO.

Example:

I did not feel safe, comforted and important as a child. This has made me more compassionate towards others who are hurting. This led me to my faith and my profession. But, I am realizing that sometimes I disguise my excessive need for love as a "reaching out" to help others. I do it to satisfy "my" need and not "their" need. Sometimes this leads me to such great fulfillment that I take it beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Peeling back the onion, as Aesir said, may get him there. "Compassion" may be a good point from which he can peel up or down. Communicating all of this is a way that will be received warmly and lovingly may be a challenge. But, that would be a great thing to try. The opposite approach - threatening to leave (which I understand you did not say) because your H's first answer to the problem came up as "compassion" - in this situation strikes me as threatening to leave if he doesn't solve a calculus problem, and the most math he's ever had is Algebra II.

Good luck to you and your H.

NMAI

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 7:10 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

My husband had a one night stand with a prostitute.

One of his whys was that she had kids who needed things and she was trying to earn money for them.

I wonder if Nicolas Cage has any kids that need anything?