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Wow!! I thought and thought about sending a letter, even wrote one, but never sent it. I could almost have sent your letter without too many changes, the details are so similar (including the photos of her "grooming" habits) LOL.

I only know one thing. I would NOT like to be the recipient of that letter, and I hope it really ruins her day.

Maybe you could write down some possible outcomes from telling the OBS and then examine them one at a time. It might help overcome your fear and also have a plan for what your response will be to whatever happens.

I agree with everyone else though that you should tell the OBS. If he actually already knows then no big deal. If he doesn't, send him the evidence and let him deal with his WW from there.

I agree. Tell her BS. I wish my OW had a H. I would love for her to have one half the misery she's contributed to my life. I can't ruin her life as she helped ruin mine but if I were in your shoes, I'd surely give it my best shot and that's what you have with those emails.

Normally, I am very conflicted about the telling the OW's husband part, for a lot of reasons, but in this case you are fighting for your marriage, you husband is still in the fog, and she is still in control.

I would let her husband know tht they were having an affair and give him enough proof that he believes you. Try not to be angry when you do it, it is not his fault, but I know I even hated her husband for caring for her.

Her email was VERY condensending towards you and she still thinks she is safe. So sorry he is such an idiot to have that lunch, not tell you ahead of time, and more importantly, skipped the lunch. No matter who invited them, you can always make up an excuse to miss a lunch.

I worked for too long in the corporate world to buy the bullshit your husband gave you.

Two things:

1. Never, ever believe the OW. She is not your friend. She does not care for your well-being. You do not matter to her.

2. Tell her husband. I know everyone is different, but I am very grateful to MOW's husband for having the courage to call me and tell me the truth. Although I knew something was wrong and had kicked my WS the week prior to DDay, I only got the truth because MOW's husband called me with details I used to confront my WS with (and he confessed to it all immediately). Although I have very little contact with MOW's husband, the few times I have had contact, I've always made sure to tell him how much I appreciate his honesty and bravery for telling me the truth.

Standing ovation on your letter!!!

Perfect wording & though I am sure you will never know it, it had to hit home with her in some way. The truth hurts even if she never admits it. (I am positive it had to effect WH as well.)

Way to go, you "new, young, beautiful heifer, you!!! So proud of you!!!

Way to go, you "new, young, beautiful heifer, you!!!

Ha, this totally made me smile, thank you!

Velvet, I love the idea of writing down my fears and examining them...thank you for the idea.

He just called to tell me his plane landed, I let it go to voicemail. He is the master gaslighter, I just can't talk to him until I'm stronger.

And I still can't believe this is my life. I had a beautiful family.

Yesterday he chose to lie to you twice. First by not telling you about the lunch with her. Then secondly when you confronted him about it, by taking a picture of everyone but her at the lunch. A very blatant lie not by omission but by design.

Then later when you sent the letter to him and OW there wasn't even a HINT of an apology from him, he said instead: "this is my WORK, this is my COLLEAGUE, this is CORPORATE EMAIL"

But after you also replying to OW's response, citing them using work e-mail to conduct the affair... you say;

We haven't spoken really other than him apologizing last night for not telling me about the lunch and again this morning before he left.

I'd say that they spoke before and after you responded to her, and then became frightened that you 'could' actually tell OW's BH and report the use of company e-mail to conduct the affair to HR. Hence his sudden change of heart and your apology. OC, I think you've got an apology now (unlike his first response when she was watching what he said) because now he/they are in damage control and worried that you just might expose them. Whether you tell the other BS or not is up to you, but I'd wager that he does not know what she says he does, and also that OW and your WH are not NC.

I think they discussed her response and told you about her marriage being in trouble to stop you telling. Afterall, wasn't it your WH in the first place who told you their marriage was in trouble? Who knows if that is even true? He is, afterall, a proven liar.

OC, in some ways it's good that he's gone for a few days, it may give you a chance to decide what you are going to do without his input. (((Hugs)))

Bravo to your letter. I too had to deal with coworker for my H. I too heard every excuse as to why I couldnt go crazy on her. Careers, paychecks, titles, embarrassments, etc. I did not go crazy... But I did insist H fire her. they also had office luncheons and birthdays. H never attended those again until she was fired. They are grownups. Office Birthdays arent that important. He could have had a drs. appt for goodness sake. I have never received any information or details other then what I could dig up. I wish someone would have informed me. I am in the dark. I feel its unfair. ANd everyone else is making choices for me. It makes me weaker. I especially hate how I have cried , begged, demanded, manipulated any power I could for an apology or explanation. Yet when they feel threatened, they are so forth coming with the apologies and explanations. (lies)...Tell the other BS. If he is only as half in the dark as me, he will always be grateful to you. Take the control from the cheaters. ANd expose the secrets. Arent they still getting away with it? And I might add, even tho I am healing and doing all I can to get past this, I live with the fear someone will tell me wayyyyyy later. When I have done so much work to heal my soul. Dont let it pass. Dont fall for the ---save their ass ---apologies. This was a choice. He chose to go again. He lies to you. He can lie to them with any excuse and not have to go where she is. If he chose to. I am sorry. I think the thrill is still there.

OC, you can't talk to husband until you're stronger meaning you want to talk to him first before telling the OBS? BAD idea. They should not have the benefit of knowing ahead of time so they can get their stories straight and lie some more. Better to do it while he's away too and there is absolutely no reason to get his input on this - nobody consulted you before destroying your life. I thought you were afraid of what the OBS would say to you but it sounds like you are afraid of what your husband will say/do?

Are you afraid he'll leave you if you tell the OBS? You're much stronger than you think and feel right now. That letter was spot on. They're using you to keep their secret and that is not OK.

Also, you don't know just how many men she's doing and OBS has a right to know so he can get tested for STDs and protect himself.

Velvet, no no no, I would not tell WH about exposing to her H beforehand, I guess I'm scared about what could happen... What if WH does lose his job? I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay. What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way, and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.

What I meant about talking to him when I'm stronger is to not allow him to gaslight me into confusing myself over the state of our marriage. He has a way of twisting and turning and making me feel I'm over reacting or that I'm crazy.

I also need these days to come to an acceptance that he's taken this too far and I do have a line in the sand.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 2:41 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I'm terrified to contact her H, and I'm not sure why exactly.

You don't want to make that call because you feel like you would be betraying your husband's trust. We have all been there; the hardest thing to fathom is that right now he is not "your husband". He is in some fairytale land and you are the mean warden, ruining all his fun.

I only told a few people when I first found out. After DD#2, I told the whore's good friend who had been her husband's best friend. Then, I told my husband's family and his best friend. Well you would have thought that I fucked the ugly bitch! They were both pissed off. Guess what, tough shit! You played, you paid.

The affair ended that day.

I know that you don't want to do this. I wish someone had told me what was going on. Would have saved me the $5,000 that I spent on a PI. I could have gone to Paris instead....

It's ok to be afraid, but the other BS needs to know.

What if WH does lose his job?

And what if he doesnt? is the devil you know easier to deal with then the possible devil you don't?

Fear is very strong, but dont allow fear to keep you in a place that is harmful.

I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay.

I competely understand this fear, i really do. Just realize what you are willing to live WITH rather then what you would be willing to live WITHOUT.

What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way,

1. One email or one phone call is not harrassement and they couldn't charge you with it as long as it is just one.

2. If she really is a bunny boiler, then document everything and get a restraining order on her.

If you really need to, get some mace to carry with you all the time.

and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.

I personally think that BS's get the worst end of the pain no matter what goes down R or D. This wasn't your choice, but the clean up can be. You are your own person, and you can decide how you want to go foward from here.

The last thing any WS's in this situation needs is to have the upper hand. Your fear of the unknown keeps them in power of the situation.

(((OC)))

I know exactly how you're feeling. It took me 3 months to tell the OBS. I had truly believed the affair was over and was really struck by the power I had of being able to share the information about the affair. Did I really want to ruin someone else's life too? What was going to happen? I mean, I think the AP is a fricking sociopath and could only imagine how she was going to strike back at me.

But you know what, it's been 3 weeks since I told the OBS and nothing "catastrophic" has happened. Nothing work related for sure. (I told when I hit DD#4 - and had no qualms about holding back then). I forwarded an email I found to the OBS and copied the AP and WH on it. It was a delightful moment actually. I have taken great pleasure in knowing that her life is a sh*t storm now too. And the exposure was I think what finally woke my WH up. That this wasn't a fun little fantasy world anymore.

Huge hugs to you, I can relate to so much of what you're going through.

I don't believe that the OW's husband will contact HR. I would think he would insist that his wife quit.

As to the crazy part, just give him the e-mails. Tell him they are having an affair and give him the proof. He can make his own decision then.

Your husband and the OW are counting on you to be afraid and keep their dirty secret. If either of them had been concerned about their jobs, they would not have had an affair. Don't let them use you like this. They are playing upon your fears. Go show them that you are no longer going to be treated like this. You have no idea how much power you truly have.

Thank you, TheClimb, your advice is very helpful.

I just started a new thread about doing this in a chicken sh/t sort of way...everyone involved will know I did it, but I don't want evidence out there in the world. I have kids.

Something has to be done....Arent they still working together? This is just one more time, in the line of more days to come. Telling the OBS will be double ammo to fight this A. Or end this A. She might be forced to quit. HMMMMMMM.

Velvet, no no no, I would not tell WH about exposing to her H beforehand, I guess I'm scared about what could happen... What if WH does lose his job? I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay. What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way, and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.

I know how scary this is to think about. I GET it, because I LIVED it.

My husband was FIRED last July 21, 2012 for sexual harassment. He told an "intended" AP he wanted to kiss her, but knew he couldn't. He was her BOSS (all his AP's were employees). He patted her on the knee twice and he hugged her once. (Confirmed). She turned him in to HR. Even after he apologized to her.

First and foremost...I DO NOT BLAME HER. I blame my husband for HIS actions, not her. She, in my opinion is a hero. Without her my husband would have CONTINUED his wayward behavior with someone else. She killed the cycle.

My husband was out of work for FOUR months, with no unemployment due to the reason why he was fired. I don't work, I'm a SAHM to five kids. You bet your ass I was freaking the fuck out. But we survived. We borrowed money from family and friends. We went on food stamps (which I made HIM apply for since HE was the one who made the mess). We went without health insurance for 2 months when we could no longer afford COBRA. EVERYONE found out.

But guess what??? It made him hit bottom and wake the fuck up.

I too feared one AP's husband going after mine. So I didn't say ANYTHING after DDay#1, then I had DDay#2 and his firing. When I did finally tell the husband? He had no desire to come after my family. He was just another broken BS just like ME.

Why would the OBS come after YOU for harassment? Seriously? You're simply telling him the truth, nothing more. You're not inciting drama, you're not badgering, you're providing him with truth.

Getting fired is a possibility, yes. However, that is the CONSEQUENCE of your husbands actions. If he didn't want his job to be at risk, he shouldn't have had an affair. Making *YOU* feel guilty is fucking wrong. HE and his AP caused this, not you. If they get backlash or it, that is on THEM, not you. Protecting their "secret" is bullshit.

If he remains at his job, you will live a life like this constantly. The lunches will continue, the worry will continue, the secrets will continue, the affair may go further underground. To protect your family you have to blow this shit up.

If you're worried that you will lose your family by telling, that he will leave you for telling, then he isn't worthy of you anyway. You should not remain in your marriage due to FEAR.

I have taken great pleasure in knowing that her life is a sh*t storm now too. And the exposure was I think what finally woke my WH up. That this wasn't a fun little fantasy world anymore.

Oh likewise. The fun little A turns into a horror show for everyone. (BTW I took great pleasure in it too )

To the OP I too worried about backlash to my family,but by the time DDay #4 hit I felt like I was gonna get violent on someone. Something had to happen. Expose honey it will end the contact and also force them to take a look at their hideousness in the mirror.