New to posting in here... think I'm struggling with the MH title though I know it's true. This will be long but it's a long story. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Anyone who cheated first ever feel like this is your karma?
I had an OLDEA (did I make that up?) It stands for online, long-distance, emotional affair. Oddly I never considered it an affair until recently. I just considered it flirting. Inappropriate flirting that was very wrong but never an A. Now that I read posts & books I realize that it does qualify and it makes me sick to think I did that.
I've always been outgoing & flirtatious. (ps I'm with a woman and I'm a woman in case anyone gets confused lol) My partner of 11 years is more quiet, laid back. Very trustworthy, dedicated, people pleaser, just plain perfect.
About 4 years into the relationship her sister's best friend and I started talking. Just normal talk. she was really easy to talk to but also very flirtatious. Over months it became more secretive bc my partner became suspicious. I said we just talk like friends. We would text, email & talk via my work phone. Months before it ended the OW called me to tell me she loved me. Granted I tell my close friends that so I was like "I love you too" and she said "No, like I am in love with you". At that point I thought I was too. Obviously it was not love, it was attention. The things she said that my partner didn't.
My partner found out through my email account about 7 years ago. I begged, pleaded, sobbed for her to not leave me. She agreed. Things were "odd" for a bit but not long. Basically she's the type to avoid conflict so we rug-swept it and moved on. Never discussed it, never went to MC or IC. Not once did I look back. Which was the problem.
I didn't realize the affect it had on her. How much I hurt her. I was just thrilled to still be with her & move on with our life. The years after have been very happy and good. She remembers a year after her Dday, she made a comment about it and I had replied "Why are you bringing that up, I thought you were over it?"
Wow. Never realized how cold that sounded. I didn't know. I had no clue how it all made her feel. She never liked to talk deep or about feelings or start any conflict, she would just go with the flow to keep me happy.
I bascially got off easy for what I did. Thought it was no big deal, it was over & that's what mattered. I never had any contact with her again,
I have repeatedly made the statement that my partner was very faithful & she would never cheat on me. It was as if I was gloating, saying no matter what I did she wouldn't do that to me bc she's a nice person.
Well, that was not true. One day early May I thought she seemed off, so I asked her thru my work email if she was ok. She told me things were different. I wasn't sure what she meant so I asked. She said things feel different. She feels different. I said they feel the same to me. That night she told me she didn't feel the same about me. She loved me but didn't feel like she was "in love" with me, that the attraction just wasn't there. I was devastated. My world crumbled. I begged her to please work on things with me & she agreed. She stayed in the house for 3 weeks, no counseling, just trying to "feel" things again. Myself, her friends & her family repeatedly asked her if there was someone else & she swore there wasn't. She just didn't feel like she loved me anymore and couldn't force it.
One night she went out with a friend to just talk about things. I found a FB msg from a girl from her work that said "hey, we're on our way". My heart sank. Who the F was this girl and why was she going there & contacting my partner. She was younger, yes she was pretty and she was going to meet my GF. WTF. I called my GF and said who the F is this girl & why is she coming there? She blew it off like it was no big deal, said she was with friends from her work & they knew my GF was out so they were just stoppig by. I'm not stupid, I felt differently, my gut felt differently. I was livid, sobbing, yelling, telling her to come home. 2 hours later she finally came home to tell me she didn't want to do counseling and that she needed some space to figure things out. I asked figure what out? She said her feelings for me, what was going on in her head. I again asked about this girl & she denied it.
June 6th she moved in with a guy friend of ours. She struggled with it, was sad & cried but didn't really know why, she just didn't want to leave her home. First 3 weeks of June she basically shut me out. I would send her quotes, tell her I missed her, try to talk to her, etc and she wouldn't reciprocate. Was short. Would say do you really miss me or the security? I just need time. She was so not like herself. She was cold, so distant & she's never been that way towards me. In this time frame she did finally admit she had interest in this girl. But kept saying they hung out only a few times & they were just friends. So I backed off & gave her time. She started IC a few weeks into June.
I spent those days living out of my garage chain smoking, losing 30 lbs, not going to work, not showering, not leaving my house. I had a friend who told me I had to get up, brush off & show her what she was missing. I tried to pull myself together & be strong, in front of her.
Mid July things progressed. She started texting me, emailing me, coming by the house more, telling me she missed me. I was thrilled. We basically dated for the next 20 days and it was wonderful. Late July we went to a concert away with friends & it was the most amazing time. She couldn't stop tellng me how much she loved me & how she never wanted to be away from me again. She asked me to come to counseling with her, I knew this was a good sign bc it meant she wanted us to work on things.
Aug 4th she decided to come home. I felt she was hesitating & asked her why if she wanted to be with me, she stammered said "idk just don't want things to get back to the way they were" so we talked about our issues etc and decided that we would work through it together. I said I have one request... You can't be in contact with that girl anymore. She said "Oh that's fine, we don't talk, we haven't for weeks" I said why's that? she said "She wasn't a good person & I realized that she wasn't someone I wanted in my life". So she deleted & blocked her from FB. But they still worked together & that was hard for me to deal with.
3 days later on Aug 7th I just felt something was off. I've known her for 10 years & could read her. I got very high anxiety bc I just knew there was something she had to tell me. I remember the look on her face when she asked me to go to counseling, not a smile, very sad & scared. Now I think I knew why she wanted me to go. So at the gym, while working out, my emotions got the best of me & I bold blank said "I know something's wrong" and she just looked at me and "do you really wanna do this here?" And I said by that reaction I'm guessing I don't. So I asked "did you sleep with her?" She looked at the floor & muttered yes. I've never felt such a rush of uncontrollable emotion in my life. I was shaking so badly I could barely walk. I called a friend to pick me up.
Now, 4 months in, details are different from "I slept with her". Over time & making her re-live it I have all the details. I didn't understand why she made me think it was worse than it was but her explanation is "what she did was wrong, it didn't matter what happened."
The story of the ONS goes as such: They went out drinking, drank a bit much so when it was time to leave my GF wouldn't drive (she never drives if she drinks) so they walked back to the AP's apt (many, many blocks away) when they got there they sat on the couch & the AP leaned in & kissed my GF. My GF reacted by standing up, she said she can't remember exactly why but thinks it's bc she was uncomfortable & just didn't feel right. The AP then stood up & kissed her again and unbuttoned her own pants for my partner. My GF then proceeded to put her hand down her pants but only to pull it right back out. Said she never took any action, she just pulled it out & said "I can't do this". The AP said "I figured". They sat in the dark, in silence for about 45 minutes then my GF up and left. She said she cried the whole "home" and when she got to the house she threw out all her undergarments. I questioned this, I said if this girl never touched any part of you (Which she swears didn't happen) why would you do that? She said she just felt dirty, awful and mad so that's what she did.
So present day, 4 months in. We're doing so so. I have struggled tremendously. She has been 110% supportive & wants nothing more than to be my wife some day. She hates what she did, she said everything she did to handle her confusion was wrong. She should have stayed & worked things out but she was so lost & numb she didn't even know who she was anymore. She knows that person those few months was not her & she hates that she let herself get to that point. But it happened, now we have to face it. Oddly, when this all came out she told me what SHE did she didn't consider an affair. Huh? You stalked her FB page for months, went on dates with her, told her you liked her & then ended up physically involved. How the hell is that not an A??? Boy how we skew our own mistakes.
So is this my karma for blowing my A off? For thinking it was no big deal? It's like I didn't recognize the hurt I caused her so my lesson needs to be that I feel that pain myself. I know many don't believe in karma, but I often wonder. I know we are responsible for our own actions but is this lesson one I needed to learn. I took for granted her faithfulness, gloated she'd always be faithful, yet wasn't myself. Even began flirting with another female years after but caught myself & called it off. Maybe I didn't learn. Maybe I was selfish for wanting so much attention. I didn't appreciate the love & attention I had right in front of me.
Thank you for letting me get this out, it helped me take on the title a little better. I know we both did wrong, I try to say what she did was worse bc it went to an intimate level but the more I read on here I'm beginning to understand that no matter what, cheating hurts and you can't compare.
[This message edited by broken1873 at 1:31 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)]