Looks like I found my thread. I need to pour out my story. It has been recycling around in my head for five months.
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have an eight year old girl, our only child. We Arne a great little family. We are both mid forties.
My errors go first. I have been obsessed with porn my whole life. Lots of playboy as a kid. That escalated to Internet porn. At the same time, I was prudish and jealous about other peoples sexuality, especially girlfriends. I was the same way with my wife. Very jealous and judgmental. We moved in together before marriage. We were in the big city and I started sneaking off to porn shops and live girl shows. Really chickenshit stuff. I went to a place that turned out to have no window between the man and woman, and I was told I could reach through and touch if I wanted. And I did.
I confessed this to my bs, girlfriend at the time, months later. Awful for her and me, and we just buried it. I kept at therapy but could not (did not stop). I could hold on with white knuckles for some time but it kept escalating gradually over the years. I tried three therapists in that time, confessing and trying to stop, but I never did.
Flash forward to this fall. I get home after a late night at work. My wife finds a text on my phone the next morning from 2:30 am. It if from a prostitute texting me back saying she could meet up now if I was still up.
My wife, bless her, does not come right upstairs and kill me on the spot. She exercises and then confronts me. She says she thinks I have been seeing a prostitute and, after an adrenaline rush of total panic, I say she is right.
Then, because this is how we are, we get ready for work and school and head out. Acting like all is normal.
That night at dinner, I acknowledge it all. 20 contacts or so, including several men. All one time no strings encounters. All essentially anonymous, and almost always full intercourse. What a nightmare to admit. To have done! She says she understands because she has made mistakes too.
Like what? I say.
She says that nine years ago, she had an affair with a colleague. Trying to take a page from her play book, I tell her I need a minute, I walk out onto the street, breath, go back in and say, I love you, it's ok.i say that through the feeling of my head exploding.
She gives me what I believe are full details. Two or three physical encounters before one time having sex. Just once. Months before that of a growing emotional relationship, during a very difficult time for us with infertility. Occasional contact since because they are colleagues. Only professional contact. She also explains that it was what motivated her to get us to marriage counseling in the past. After out daughter was born, she insisted we go because she wanted to make sure we both agreed not to have another child. She did not tell me she wanted to go to work on our marriage because of her affair, but that is part of what she was trying to do. Although she never admitted the affair in that course of counseling, we did improve our ability to communicate.
The hardest details for me, she was pregnant when it happened, it happened in our home, but not our bedroom, and she had him and his wife to dinner during the physical affair. Plus he is still around, working in the same field in the same city, and now divorced.
I have been in counseling for the past three years trying to stop my sexual addiction behavior (not sure exactly what to call it). I am continuing. The total revulsion this experience had given me had turned off a switch in my brain that found the sexual pursuits appealing. So far since D day, the thought just makes me feel sick in my stomach.
She is starting therapy next week. I am very happy about that.
She has not been interested in going back to counseling together, yet.
There it is, in all it's glory. What a nightmare. Like I said, I feel ripped in half. I am not even sure this makes sense.
I have days when I feel such relief to have my secret out and to not have that urge overwhelm and control me. And I have lots of time when I just obsess over the OM in my home penetrating my pregnant wife.
Nightmare and blessing.
I hope we stay together.