SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Uuuhhmm, haven't been able to read all the responses but what I read I really like. Thank gosh everyone has said what I think - they are in a relationship of some kind period.

My opinion:

She is a an enemy of your relationship.

Your husband is an entitled selfish lust hungry man.

If you can at all, I would DEMAND he fire her immediately and hire a woman 15 years his senior and fat.

And also, most importantly after that, go to immediate counseling and then get him to do a poly. They are pretty reliable from what counselors who use them say.

Here is my update as I prepare to go into work for the day:

I listened to the VAR I retrieved from his office after two days of recording...

Secretary was in the office alone for the 2 days and she was incredibly busy the whole time. I heard her on the phone with my H a couple of times and it sounded work related. I uncovered nothing. All it did was make me severely depressed, listening to her nauseatingly sweet voice answering our phones all day long and complaining how she needs help running the office.

My h called me a few times while he was gone but there is so much tension between us. When he was home, sex was strained at best.

I have so far made an appt for an antidepressant. I cannot seem to dig myself out of this downward spiral that I am in.

Wish I had more to report...

My gosh i feel so sorry for you.

Perhaps you should post up here a list of why you think he's cheating.

1

2

3

4

5

I am not doubting that you believe he's cheating. I think you need to put it in a concise list. I wonder if it may be over and you will never find out or if (and I hope no-one bashes me for this) that it is not happening. Or it's someone else

I am not doubting you for a second or calling you a drama queen. All of this suspicion etc is driving a bigger wedge in-between you two, and I am wondering if it is possible that this could be mistaken for signs of an affair.

Also, I want you to know what you are going through right now is something I went through. I wasn't wrong I was just early, I think it is more than likely he is going down the slippery slope. He is not cheating. He is just going down the slide.

so sorry for your pain

Sure here is my list:

1) asking secretary for a lunch date

2) taking her to a baseball game and not telling me

3) telling her he is building a bedroom in our basement to get away from me

4) major changes in intimacy, difficulty with performance, refusing sex at times

5) manscaping

And many other red flags...

He will not fire her. I suspect she might see him as a $ ticket, she sees the money he is about to make and strokes his ego...

My gut is screaming. BUT, I will not leave unless I have proof BC he will convincingly throw me under the bus as the problem.

Oh yeah, he called me by her name once while we were together in the shower. Or so I thought. He says I imagined it. Her name is Lisa, so I could have been imagining I guess

Crazy making stuff. That is why I am here

Don't let him gaslight you...idc what her name is ...if you heard him say it don't let him tell you you imagined it. Grrr...i hate that...

Those are definitely red flags!

TS your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it. You will get your proof. I have no doubt from the info you have shared that there is more here thaneets the eye. He was out of town and she busy. May be there wasn't any time for shenanigans during work hours this week. That's why you need to have several snoop methods. Computers phones vars nanny cams.

You can and will survive this. Did you manage a trip to a D attorney while he was gone?

Love your kids put yourself first. Try to avoid sex with him for now. You are knowingly exposing yourself to possible stds. Get yourself tested. That may give you all the proof you need.

((((and strength))))

5) manscaping

TBH I am not sure about 1-4 (sounds like the slippery slope) but number five is like the sirens wailing.

I hasten a guess that there's either one of two things going on.

1) that phone call, listen to it carefully perhaps there was a code going on. one of my friends her bff and bf would literally speak in code talking right infront of her when they were going to meet up next and where. Would sound very innocent.

2) that he is on the slippery slope and he is about to crash, based on what you've said it may be a one-sided EA on his behalf

My cheap recommendation is to put a gps in his car. buy a cheapie phone that you can track online and put it in his car on silent (and stick it to the floor!)

Track him that way

orrrr expensive and probably what you need recommendation: A PI (which is what I would of needed if I didn't get a confession)

I honestly think that the trouble is you are early. Which is obviously preferable but is very hard to prove.

ETA

"You can and will survive this. Did you manage a trip to a D attorney while he was gone?"

Yes you will survive this, I know it's gutwrenching. But at least you didn't stick your head in the sand like I did.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:38 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

So sorry you are going through this.

Yes to your suggestion of photocopying all the financial records at work while he is gone. Many times these WSs who own their own companies will do some "creative accounting" to seriously lower their income so they don't have to pay as much SS/CS. So I would get all the financial evidence you can now: bank accounts, business income, 401K, investments, etc. and give it to your divorce L.

Thank you all for your replies. Last week did not turn out to be as productive as I would have liked. H told me he was gone the entire week but then came home 2 of the nights which threw me off... He was traveling to various locations of a new customer and some were within an hour of our home and he said he did not want to pay for a hotel room. This caused me to loose my momentum. Also, I became more emotional than usual. I think I cried most of Friday, letting my imagination run wild. That is when I made an appt to see my doc for an antidepressant. And no, I have not seen a lawyer yet.

Too many unanswered questions to sort through, but I am working on it.

Btw, I wanted to go to the office and make copies, switch out VAR, snoop, but with 3 kids at home and said secretary in the office all day, it would have had to been at 3 am or something... Which I did do when I retrieved the var. but it is so hard, my sleep is always disrupted and the more sleep deprived I become the less emotional strength I have. Cannot seem to juggle it all :(

So Sorry. . . TS68

You should be.

Who lets a secretary bring a cat to work????

Trust your gut!!!! my FWH had me snowed for years. He got so good at lying I questioned myself. I couldn't see his telss anymore.

Didin't what state your in but many have community property so the business is yours too. It doesn't matter if you've never stepped foot in it. Do it if you want to. Why would he get mad if his wife is showing interest in his life??

I agree he is porbably involved with his secretary. Get rid of her.

Again trust your instincts do not listen to him!!!!

Key logger on home and work pc?

Ok so sorry to keep this thread going...

So now I think that whatever they had going on is over... But he cannot fire her (business just starting to take off) and he will admit nothing to me. Anytime I revisit it, he is furious. My guess is he wants it all to just go away because he has a ton at stake. Both me and his business. If he did let her go, who knows what she would do?

What makes you think that?

Ok so sorry to keep this thread going...

Don't be sorry for that!

My guess is he wants it all to just go away because he has a ton at stake. Both me and his business. If he did let her go, who knows what she would do?

Yes I can understand how that would be a possibility. I completely agree with

What makes you think that?

It must be so hard for you, I can see you and a few other posters at a stalemate atm. So in a weird way, you're not alone. I've often thought if WH was going down the slippery slope again I would get an IC and ask him to come along to one of 'my' sessions. Some waywards seem to like to say how shit their spouses are in an open fourm.

I say this from personal experience obviously and the fact that your husband seems to be really aggressive about this.

Stalemate. Exactly! If I keep playing detective it sucks up all my time and energy and makes me miserable. And so far, with all my efforts, has turned up nothing solid. So I am backing off for everyone's sake, especially my own BC his resistance to taking ownership is too intense.

I think it is over BC I think he really understands how f'd up everything could get really quick if it got out. So maybe the kitten was a peace offering? Who knows. He does not know I know about the cat.

After our last blowout, I saw how stressed he was. Think I will let it stew for a while. Maybe, just maybe, in his pea brain he will see how stupid he was to take such a risk. I'll be watching closely but trying to get my old self back for a while before it destroys me.

The sex is back to normal, mr need-it-all-the-time. That is the real reason I think it is over. I am not doing "it" to cling or hold on to my "man", just to calm the whole damn thing down. Playing nice... Without proof,I have no choice

I'm sorry.

My x had more than one phone and he learned quickly how to go to the phone company's websites and manipulate the accounts when he left for the day for work. He also keeps multiple computers, so he got to cover his tracks until he decided he was done M and then just posted it full blown in cyber space while still M.

Anwyay...there are red flags about a person trying to hide an A that are about them and not the electronics...when I would try to talk to X during false R and he had gone back with OW but tried to hide it, he got super defensive and moody.

He would spend lots of time away from us when he was still home during this time, much time spent alone and up very late at night. He was working to win her back and blamed his late nights on me. Anyway...

I wish you peace during your discovery period.

TS you said you were a weekend option nurse right?

You know you need to go do the STD thing right? This may give you all your answers you need.

If snooping is making you crazy, then do back off a bit. Try to maintain normal, they may have just back burnered things a bit, because they knew you were suspicious. Once you are "convinced" all is "normal", they may be right back at it.

Go see a lawyer too. PLEASE this answered so many of my questions, it helped my sanity, and allowed me to back off enough to really catch them.

((((and strength))))

Latest development:

Spent the last weekend away together and it started out well but ended in a disaster after I had a few glasses of wine and opened my mouth...

Then on Monday his best sales guy unexpectedly quit. Sent my H into crisis mode. He said it was to make more $ working for my H's competitor but I wonder if there were other reasons.

I went to my doctor and got a script for Zoloft. Have high hopes it will help me think a little clearer..

Thank you all for your input. I tried to put this on the back burner for a while hoping to get my life together but it seems to not want to go away.