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I have been doing allot of thinking and journaling lately at the behest of my IC. It has led me to some deep and troubling thoughts about myself.

My WH travelled allot for work for over 10 years, it is only in the last 3 years that he has been able to live at home full time. When we first met I was a very independent and strong woman. My father had just died and we have no family here, and my mom was a wreck, so I was the one who picked up all the pieces and trudged on. Then WH went on the road to work, sometimes he would be gone for 90-100 days at a time with only phone contact. Again having no real family to depend on, I held our house together, kept everything going and generally managed everything. Even when his mom was ill I was the one who took control and dealt with things. One particular day stands in my mind...My indicator light was out on my car and although WH was due home I decided to just change it myself as it was getting dark and he would be tired from working all day and a 6 hr drive. He got home and commented that it didn't look like I needed him around. I remember clearly saying to him " I don't keep you around because I need you, I keep you around because I love you and want you around". He was happy and laughed and we had a great weekend.

Fast forward quite a few years and he is able to live at home. Looking back I see myself over time becoming withdrawn and catering to his every need. Trying to be the step-ford wife. I was so busy catering to him and worrying about him that I stopped taking care of me. I gained allot of weight, and suffered from depression. He began to drink more and became verbally abusive at times, lashing out and saying ugly belittling things. We had no sex life to speak of and I was thinking of asking him to go back to working away from home as I dreaded having to spend too much time with him. Then boom......the EA happened. I was devastated ( am still hurt that he choose to seek attachment outside our marriage). In order to protect myself, feeling like our marriage was doomed for D court I started 180. It was hard, I was not completely successful. Then...I found the most comfortable pair of bitch boots! I set major boundaries and guidelines and went 180 hard. Suddenly I feel like the person I was all those years ago.

I sit here wondering now where "I" went for that period of time? Why I let myself change so much? A funny thing has happened with all of this, since I am back to that strong Independent woman, WH is more "himself". He drinks less is not verbally and emotionally abusive anymore and is working hard to gain the "F" in front of the WS.

I am NOT at fault for his EA that is 100% on him, but apparently it is true I am 50% responsible for our marital problems. I have to wonder if I had not become a different person for those years, would it have affected this outcome? Maybe he missed the old me? If he did why couldn't he tell me? Would I be on SI today? It makes me sad to think that our path could have been different.

This all said I am a true believer in fate and letting god lead our lives. Everything happens for a reason. It may take a long time to figure out what the reason is, but there IS a reason. For me I think the EA happened so that I could wake up and that we could become stronger as a couple. Who's to say what the future may bring, we may need that extra strength that we are finding to face something else.

If you have read all of this...thanks so much for listening to my rambling!

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 10:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Thank you for your post. There was so much I could relate to.

Before meeting my fWS I was at my peak of peace in my life. I was independent and strong. Over the years I lost myself too.

I am getting that person back and it feel great. I believe too that the A had to be that nuclear blast to change my and our course.

I am trying to find "me" again, but I can't.

Used to be friendly - love people. Happy to be alive.

Now I'm grumpy, distrustful, easily irritated by others. And most certainly not happy. I was thinking the other day - when was the last time I felt true JOY.

I'm still searching my mind!

I asked the same questions several weeks back. I'm happy to be finding who I once was. Sucks that so much heartbreak and devastation had to come first!

The funny thing is that when I spoke about this to WH and told him I disliked who I had become. His response was " I never asked you to become someone else. I loved the strong in dependant you". Hmmmmm more to think about I guess. My counsellor asked me when the last time was that I was truly joyful, so sad to say I could not remember, so again more to work on!

I hope we all find ourselves in this chaos. But it is too bad such hurt and devastation had to happen to make us look hard at ourselves.