SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Her mom died of pancreatic cancer in 2008. My wife tells me the counseling was because she was at the lowest point in her life missing her mom, 4 years later, July, 2012.

Here are my thoughts.

People grieve in different ways, and on different time tables.

However, generally speaking, after 4 years, one has learned how to function better and deal better with grief.

My feeling is that she is using the counseling for a reason other than grief, and ...projecting my own insecurities here...it may be likely that the counseling sessions are a cover for doing something else.

4 times a week for 1.5 years

This is a lot of counseling, and unless she was suicidal (in which case she might have benefitted from being in a safe place and supervised 24/7), the therapist might just be taking advantage of the income--if she really was going 4 times a week for 1.5 years.

@hope2B, thank you, bionicgal on the previous page caught my error, WW had counseling 4 times a month, not week, again that was my error.

I understand the grieving process and growing up in rural America where you dig grave and help bury your friends and neighbors, my grieving process and perspective on life and death is a little more than different than most people. So for me, 4 years later, just seems 100% not possible.

Here is her Dear John email, what's funny is his name is Jon.

Jon,

Bad news. My husband got suspicious and went back over the cell phone bill and saw the hundreds of times text messages were sent to a particular number over a number of months and put two and two together. Well all I can say is that it didn't matter how careful I was, and I was extremely careful to keep this friendship under wraps, he confronted me about it. It didn't go well, but after talking about it over the weekend, I think we will survive this.

I told him that nothing happened and that we were essentially email friends that met because of the 50 Shades book (online blog). Of course he has his doubts and I will have to deal with that. I do not believe he will contact you, but please send an email to this address if, in the very unlikely-hood, he does.

I assured him that this was my past. With my world seemingly crumbling, all I want to do is to talk to my friend, yet I cannot. If would be good for you to send the money to me via the mail at work. Just write personal on the envelope. I open the mail anyway so that should be fine.

It is unfortunate that this cannot happen in person as we once discussed, but with your parents visiting and the pressure I am under, this will have to do.

Take Care,

J

So as I have reread her Dear Jon eamil, she had no intention of getting rid of her fake email address, even after the gig was up. I had not remembered that till this morning.

8 minutes after emailing her dear Jon letter, she sent this to her newest friend.

T.

You were right. He kept digging. I ended it with Chicago this morning via email. My friendship with you continues to be safe and a much needed outlet right now. I don't know that I will be online for a while, but will check in with you when I can find my breath, if that's ok. I do believe that as this progresses, I will be questioning my next moves and seek some clear prospective.

I'll be fine and will talk to you soon.

J

It was another 2 days before she deleted the email account.

She switched her counseling to 2 times per month in September.

Here's the deal. Protect yourself.

You are being abused, I dunno, do you even realize this?

Turn all the energy you're spending, trying to figure her out - into you.

Do you get a thrill out of doormat plan B status? Are you not worth respect and remorse?

Think you are powerful because you can change and fix all this?

Don't

Even

Think

About

Changing

Her

We lean toward R, when there's a possibility of Remorse.

Your wife has none, sadly.

What's more sad to me is you thinking you can put it there.

This all stops when you say it does.

Confront her with this.

When she threatens to leave, I wanna hear the story of you holding the door open to help her outta your life.

@jjct, no, I probably don't see the abuse as I should. But the biggest hint was her saying we did not need marriage counseling, her continuing to go on her own to counseling, and that pretty much paints the picture for me. At 53, a 12 to 16 hour a day job in politics, 4 kids, two in college, one senior, one seven years old, it is a struggle to take on a major change in life, even though I know I need to do that.

I have found it very helpful to read about sex addiction. Your wife may or may not be an SA but either way you may gain some insight into her behavior. It has also been a life saver for me to attend SAnon.

My WS is also an alcoholic. He began AA 7 yrs ago and I thought our marriage would get better. I blamed his bad behavior on the drink. I was wrong. While sober he began seeking the "friendship" of other women. It's been 7 months now since my discovery of his many affairs both physical and online.

Reading as much as I can, IC and talking about it with safe people is the path I am taking to try to heal. I have learned that what he's done and why are his issues and it's not about anything I did or did not do.

I took the steps necessary to protect myself legally and financially in the event I choose to walk but for now I am working on me. It sucks to be the BS. The pain of infidelity may last a long time but any work done to improve myself is not a waste of that time.

Actually you didnt had a marriage for very long. Now its time for you to make it official by D her.

Stop living in this abusive and unhealthy marriage.

Definitely you need a lot of IC.

Get tested for STDs and file for D. She is too broken for you to save her. Expose the OM to his wife, expose to all the friends and family. Stop being that nice guy and man up to protect yourself and your children.

Could it be that one of the biggest problems you face is that your wife gets off on the drama?

An example; the long time she has been going to IC with little (if any) result. [Her recent behavior and her refusal to go to MC do not indicate that she a) is making progress with IC or b) sees a purpose in following the guidance given]. IC isn’t like taking penicillin where you get treated as long as you stick to the medication. IC basically tries to grasp your issues and offer you tools to deal with them. The IC can’t MAKE you use those tools so if you just go there and spend an hour moaning about how your father beat you with a spoon and therefore you get panic attacks from soup… well… The IC simply shrugs his/her shoulder and takes your money.

Look at the Dear John letter: It’s all about her making sacrifices. It’s all about how much she is sacrificing. Then she involves the next friend into the drama. It’s all about how controlling you are and how she is making sacrifices. Then she makes extreme threats she won’t stick to regarding MC and all that. It’s all about maintaining the drama and being a victim.

Look at the statements she has made regarding your inability to satisfy her, how discontent she is…

I suggest you stop ignoring her messages and actions and start taking them seriously. I suggest that when she claims you are holding back on her living a good life, being satisfied and being content… You believe her.

And do so with NO drama.

I firmly believe marriage has to be based on the truth. I think nothing can be attained unless you and your WW are looking at the same rules and same base to build from. Right now you are miles apart. Right now you can’t get her to see your truth so simply agree with her truth. And then cut off the drama.

So tell your wife: Wife – You have told me / told others that I can’t fulfill any of your emotional needs. I have read that your best friend is OM and that you feel not communication with him is a great sacrifice. I have seen evidence that you have no intention of being faithful in this marriage and that you state that remaining with me requires great sacrifices to you and will prevent you from being happy.

So don’t do ANY of that stuff for me. If you want OM then go ahead. Talk to him. Meet him. Heck – marry him if he’s so great. Same with everything else you claim I am holding you from. I only want to be your husband and not your warden. Since you are not willing to abide by generally accepted rules of marriage then don’t abide by them. You are free to do whatever you want. But not as my wife.

And then you start the long, hard process of ending the marriage.

I have a feeling that once the drama is out and reality is in… your wife is going to see that she better get her act together ASAP. Then and only then YOU can decide whether reconciliation is something that you are interested in or not.

@ Bigger, you are very observant: in our testing in dealing with biological father of my now oldest daughter, WW was diagnosed as having histrionic personality issues; so yes, I believe you are correct and very observant. This all really sucks as this point life. Well I guess it sucks at any and all points in life, it's just my turn.