SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so thankful to have found this forum. I am surprised (and saddened) by the number of people who are going through what I have been going through. Most of the stories are a little different than mine and many are very similair. And we all share that common thread. I am not sure how to proceed but the bottom line is that I (like everyone else) need some kind of support and would like very much to get it here.

The first thing I noticed in reading these letters is validation. Validation for ME! I see people posting their thoughts and I constantly see things that fall into place with my thinking. Maybe I am not so far out there after all.

It might be obvoius, but I tend to be very long winded. I want to get my story out but do not want to go into so much detail that I will lose the support I so desparately need. I have written my wife a "Termination Letter" that I hopefully will not sent her and I am up to five pages without an end in sight.

That said, time does not allow me to get started with my story right now, but I do have a question I would like to pose.

When my wife met this guy, they were in a bar and she spent about five hours becoming "friends" with him. I am not sure how much alcohol was involved, but she usually only drinks two glasses of wine in a sitting. Five hours is a long time for only two glasses of wine, but I think that is about it. Anyway, she told be that, in that amount of time, she had formed an emotional connection to him. That is some serious stuff and my logic says that this cannot happen in one long evening. I know that this is what she is thinking. She is probably using this (and being "vunerable" and in need of "affection") as a reason she allowed a total stranger to walk her to her car at the end of the night and "surprise" her with a kiss. A kiss that she responded to in a positive manner. My wife of 28 years would kiss a total stranger in the parking lot of a bar and start an affair that would last four months.

There is much, much more I want to put out there, but right now I would like to get some feedback on this. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome StillStruck - If you're asking if it's possible to form an emotional connection in a mere 5 hours, it's done in 5 minutes sometimes.

Just know that the 'connection' is built on fantasy and brain chemistry.

The fantasy that produces the chemicals is not real.

The chemicals are.

Is your WW being transparent and does she have remorse? Has she begun to work on why she violated her vows?

it's a little difficult to give too much advice based on what you've posted so far. Since you've said you are writing a termination letter I am going to assume the affair is a dealbreaker for you which is neither here or there, you don't have to reconcile at all!

The best part of divorcing is that you don't need to know. This may seem like conceited advice but the 'why' will torture you. Vulnerability or not it is clear that she did want this 'connection' which I assure was shallow and would not compare to 28 years of marriage.

Pertty shocking that a "connection" can be formed in 5 minutes but makes sense. She had found someone who paid attention to her and that was the beginning. If you want to explain about the brain chemestry, I would be interested.

She is very remorseful now. Now. We are discussing the violation and things are in front of us to work out. She wants very much to reconcile and has apologised to me many times.

As far as the transparency goes, this is new to me. I think I know what you are saying, but asking for an explanation may be easier.

As far as the "Termination Letter" goes, it is diffucult to explain. It started out as something I thought I would give my wife one day and then turned into a theraputic kind of thing strictly for me.

Three of our four children are grown and out in the world, but there is one left here at home.She turns 18 in January and, in this state, couples can divorce without using a lawyer as long as they agree on how things will be split. Sadly, it is a pretty easy thing to do; as long as there are no kids under the age of 18. It was my intent to give this letter to her in January and ask for a amicable divorse (which she said she would give me if I wanted it).

Then enters my love for my wife. As the anger subsides the love comes back to the forefront. And she knows that what she had done was "a huge mistake" and she knows that she had no "relationship" with this guy. So we are working on things (my DDay was January 26th of this year), but I have many, many issues to resolve; hence finding this forum.

Now don't get me wrong. There is stil a tremendous amount of anger and hurt. There was so much deceit. So many lies. And I believed them until I got more and more suspicious. I went for six months thinking she did not have sex with this guy until I started asking questions that she was pathetic in avoiding. How stupid was I?

She used the phrase "Fear of Disclosure".

I trusted her explicitly. How stupid was I? There is no trust now. How is trust rebuilt? How do I believe anything she says?

Stillstuck,

Let’s be clear that your wife’s affair is definitely a good reason to divorce her. Nobody would fault you for that. But infidelity doesn’t NEED to be a dealbreaker. You don’t NEED to divorce her by default just because she cheated.

And frankly IMHO a marriage of 28 years and four kids deserves an attempt at recovery. But then – that’s just my POV.

This site is founded and managed by a couple that successfully reconciled. There are numerous people here who reconciled. Mind you there are also a lot of people here that didn’t… But IF you want to and if your wife wants to you two CAN reconcile.

However… don’t try this alone. You two need outside help. Go NOW and look for a pro-marriage MC with infidelity experience.

Welcome here brother...

Affairs happen when a spouse refuses to deal with a reality-based problem. Most often, the issue is related to low self esteem, and a deep seeded fear of who they are which leads to an inability to get their needs met in a healthy, constructive way. This greases the slippery slope to where external validation becomes so prized (as opposed to internal validation). Unless you WW is willing to do the hard work and introspect why she felt her choice was acceptable, she will not be able to put forth the actions necessary for self improvement and improvement of your relationship.

It is good that you recognise you have issues to work through. Whatever happens, whatever path you walk, you need to be at your best so that you can give your best to you.

It's normal to be confused. It's normal to jump all over the place emotionally. However, you will know that you are ready to make your decision when both your head and heart agree. This will take time.

To help in your quest, I ask you two questions. Take some time to think about them.

- What do you believe in?

- What actions must you take to stand up for what you believe in, knowing that in 10 years time you will respect those decisions?

This statement from your WW struck me:

a huge mistake

Please. Never, ever let her say such a thing again. What she did was not a mistake. A mistake is when you put one brown sock and one black sock on and go to work. A mistake is when you forget to re-fill the coffee pot and it boils dry.

What she made was a "choice." She made a "decision" to commit adultery. She chose to not cut off her flirtation with the OM once she was attracted to him. She chose to spend 5 hrs drinking with him. She chose to let him kiss her. And she chose to go back to him and drop her panties. These were all decisions that SHE made. She could have backed out at any point, she could have chose to walk away. But she did not. She made the decision to do what she did.

Calling all of the above a "mistake," an "oopsie," is minimizing the decisions that she made to betray you. Don't let your WW or anyone else, minimize your pain.