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OK, so my H and I had a Hugh fight the other day and the next day after work I went and drove somewhere where I sat in my car for about an hour. I then took a short walk. A Mexican restaurant was close by so I went in and had a couple of margaritas. That didn't mix well with xanax and I was pretty smashed when I left.

I went to a hotel to spend the night. I din't tell anyone where I was going. The sheriff tracked me down and before you know it there were 2 sheriffs and 2 medics at my hotel room.

They thought I was going to kill myself. All I wanted was a good cry and try to sleep away from it all.

They kept insisting that I go to the hospital for observation. I was very calm and told them I just wanted to be left alone. One sheriff took pity on my situation and told the others basically to back off.

They finally left me alone. I didn't sleep. This fight is going to stay with me for a long time.

I had to listen to my coworker about her vacation to las vegus, where my H took one of his 20 yo prostitutes (he is 64)on vacation. Who does that with prostitutes?

I just got up and left work today, I don't know if I will have a job tomorrow or not.

I don't have a question or concern. I just want to be somewhere that I know you all have been there and need support through this.

Oh, letitout, I am so sorry. I have that completely lost feeling sometimes. The only thing that keeps me here on those days are my children. It is such a bereft and horrid feeling. I am glad you are ok, and I am sorry that you scared the crap out of someone enough for them to send the sheriff after you. Please try to funnel your hurt into something that is better for you, like running or walking or writing. May you find some peace.

Sending you good thoughts. Know that you are strong and will pass through this. Take care of yourself~please be careful while drinking on medication. I do not want to be preachy, but I would hate to see you suffer from any unintentional side effects from mixing medication and alcohol. On a practical note, if you are unable to cope with work right now, it is possible for you to take a temporary leave from your workplace? Maybe take a few days of vacation?

((letitout))

((letitout))

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Check with your job to see if they have EAP (Employee Assistance Program). They may be able to assist you with counseling and possible leave of absence.

((letitout))

Sending understanding and empathy for the situation. A good cry, soul searching, and shut down is what I hear you requesting.

I sincerely hope the new day brings a strength to proceed with your life.

Have you written down what you hope to accomplish? What is most important to you, and how your needs can be met.

Sometimes seeing the words in print

Makes each issue more or less important for your journey. Then you can make a plan.

You are stronger than you think.

(((Letitout)))

Many of us have been there & dealt with what you are trying to work through. You have support here. How are you now? I like spidergirls rec...exercise, write, vent here. You will be ok. It will get better.

That didn't mix well with xanax and I was pretty smashed when I left.

Please tell me that you did not drive to a hotel? Not coming down on you, just concerned about the danger and the ramifications of a possible DUI.

I am sorry for your struggle but am glad that you are okay.

Sometimes it is good to just leave the stressful environment but it is important that you leave sober.

I remember getting into my car one night and driving 3 hours...I just headed East and kept driving. Eventually I turned around and headed home. It helped to calm me and clear my head.

Wishing you better days.

Sending you HUGS & HOPE !

((((((letitout))))))

Thanks for all your support. I just started a very high demanding job about 2 weeks ago after being a SAHM for 10 years. I can't do my job. I'm trying to gain independence from him even though we are trying to R. I don't think that helped in keeping under control with the fight.

So, to answer your question about work leave, that is out of the question since I just started and I am in a position that cant' be filled by another person right now.

I do believe that it was counter productive to fight and then just go off. I am working on keeping my anger under control. It is hard for me because I have a slightly unremorseful spouse, that makes it want to beat him to say he didn't have fun with them, they weren't friends etc.. Our MC said it is what it is and nothing is going to change it, so it's time to move on and quit trying to get him to say what I want to hear. Because I can't change the way he feels. But I can change the way I feel. In MC last night my H said he wanted a divorce because of my anger and not being able to talk about the prostitutes in a more constructive way. He then decided to give it another try, but now I'm afraid to talk about it at all.

Your right, Meds and drinking don't mix, esp. since I'm not a drinker. It was a bad idea and I could have ended up hurting myself and others.

I keep saying to myself that things will get better, because I truly did hit rock bottom that night.

((letitout))) This is not an easy road and many of us have found drinking and AD's can affect us in ways that don't always work so great. I learned drinking helps the mean come out in me. I had to fix that to R with my H after one night when I really raged at him. I scared him and he was packing up to leave. I screamed at him it was his fault I was so angry and he should put on his big boy pants and fix the f*&^ing mess he made. He did end up staying and I found an IC for just me to help me get through the anger. Even though my actions that night are nothing I am proud of, I do in a way look back on it with a little bit of pleasure ...he deserved to be scared.

But in order to R, I couldn't let my anger run my life and the IC really helped me.

Because I can't change the way he feels. But I can change the way I feel.

This is the key......it's about you and taking good care of you. Find what you need to find peace and happiness...you deserve it and can do it.

(((letitout))) That sounds like a frightening and miserable night. There is nothing wrong with your feelings of anger but they have to be processed. Turning that anger onto yourself the way that you did is scary. Are you seeing an IC that specializes in trauma? If not, please find one.

I also don't want to sound preachy but xanax and alcohol is lethal.

hoping things get better there.

Let it out

I' m not a drinker either so I know what you mean...real lightweight 2 drinks and I'm buzzed.

The MC may be able to give you some insight on working on your anger. Trust me I too have blown up like a firecracker.

Gently, no lecture from me but work on YOU healing and growing. Then R can be possible,

The only person you have control over is yourself, you can't change H.

So make yourself the best person you can be. Read, rely on good friends family if possible and heal.

You can do this new job. You CAN.

I repeat YOU are stronger than you think.

Just an update. We had MC the night after the hotel. We had not spoken or seen each other. In MC he said he wanted a divorce. He said he was tired of me losing it and yelling and this leaving was the last time he was going to put up with it. He said I was the one who made him go to the prostitutes.

Well, the MC set him straight. She said I DID NOT make him go to the prostitutes HE made that choice. He could have handled our M in a different way. On my part I needed to learn to let it go. I need to learn how to be an adult and talk about it in a rational manor.

We ended up not D that night, we are going to give it another shot.

Glad to hear MC set him straight and gave you a little what-for too (I bet it wasn't anything you didn't know). I hope and pray that you are on the path that will lead you to where you want to be.

the last time he was going to put up with it

Really?

I'm really PO'd for you now. You've got a good MC.

Strength

He said I was the one who made him go to the prostitutes.

He said this. Seriously?

Listen to me. A WS that is always throwing out the D card...is a WS that needs to be divorced.

Don't let him bully you.

Let it out,

I am so releived to see you are not hurt. I have been looking. My FWH was also not the most remorseful WH there has ever been. Regretful yes.

I like your MC. Are you going to IC?

I do hope your job is there. It is good for you to find yourself again.