SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Deeplysaddened,

You might try and logon to your insurance provider online. If the billing has been processed, there is a good chance her diagnosis is listed in the reports.

Your case is a bit of an enigma and I really can’t give you any concrete advice. At best I can give you my thoughts… This post will meander all around but hopefully you will bear with me.

If I take individual issues you mention then I could logically reach the conclusion that she’s having an affair and be 80-90% certain. Put it this way; If I was still a cop I would have reason to pull her over and apply some pressure. However when I take the total of what you write and combine your suspicions, her behavior, circumstances and typical behaviors and reactions of people in affairs… My confidence drops significantly.

To me the only really big red flag is the pubic lice. If it wasn’t for that then my infidelity-radar would hardly note a blip with your scenario. With the crabs… It’s a big flashing blob.

As a cop if I was looking for a car-thief I wasn’t allowed to stop every young minority male with tats and dressed a certain way simply because stats and my gut might tell me that the thief would fit that profile. I also learned that if I limited my investigation to reach the conclusion that the thief fit the profile then I wasn’t going to succeed. That’s why is suggested you expand your investigation to discover if she’s cheating with another man – NOT if she’s cheating with a specific other man.

OK – So what’s bothering me?

Well – You portray the OM as a major player. A janitor that walks around the office, fixes the doors, stocks the supplies room, changes the light bulbs and then does the women during lunch (you think he’s having an affair with more than your wife). Furthermore the sex is so intense they have to change into work-out clothes before the festivities commence. A player who probably has some more women lined up for casual sex because one of them gave him crabs that he then brought to your wife (if this is the true scenario). Cue in bright lights, harsh video recording and you have the plot for the average porno movie.

Just doesn’t add up to me:

a) For semi-normal people crabs have a very limited lifespan. It’s not as if you get the itch and then wait a week or don’t do anything. You itch – look – shake your head in wonder – take action. The action doesn’t require a doctor’s visit so it’s quick and simple. So if your WW got it from the janitor then it’s something he has had for a short time. Now MAYBE it was the first time they had sex. MAYBE he managed to talk his way through it. But as a rule getting a STD is a real turn-off.

b) The crabs and the idea that OM is also having an affair with another woman at the office… If experience has shown us anything here on SI then it’s wayward people hate being cheated on. As weird as it sounds then people having affairs tend to expect their AP to be monogamous (well… expect for their spouse… go figure). So getting crabs from OM if the affair has been ongoing and sharing a lover with Tracy down in bookkeeping… No… Doesn’t make sense to me.

Then there is your latest post. Once again you go look for a way to fit your conclusion. Don’t… Definitely get a full examination of what might be causing these issues (including STD tests) but don’t assume right away it’s an STD. Even if it is then also keep in mind that HPV CAN flare up years (and decades) after its transmitted. This scenario has been here on SI several times so I recall.

But hey! Don’t get me wrong! There are big red flags that need to be addressed. The crabs, the secretive behavior and the (yes – possible STD) clearly indicate you need to be on your toes. Yes – there is enough to justify a reasonable concern for infidelity…

But frankly IF this turns out to be a STD then that coupled with the crabs and some other factors in your WW behavior… I would be more suspect of chance, one off encounters. You know – pick-ups at the gym, random sex partners at the park, craigslist hookups … more in that scenario. [I will admit I am biased – this is the sort of pick-ups my former fiancé frequented. She was super-“normal”, lovable and extremely nice but she would pick up random sex-partners. But although I am biased then what that did was make me realize “nice” and “normal” people can be sexually weird…]

Be careful about circular arguments: If she is the first to tell you she has a possible STD it must be because she is guilty. If she does not tell you about a possible STD it must be because she is guilty. If she accuses you of giving her crabs it’s because she’s guilty. If she doesn’t then it’s because she is guilty…

OK – Now on to a totally different tangent. What surprises me based on the state of your marriage is how much you two seem to communicate. The detail you know about your WW health issues… staggers me. But it’s all positive. It’s something I would try to build on. I for one doubt a spouse in an affair and/or thinks he/she has a STD would tell you in detail the issues she has. If your WW had simply told you she had a gyno examination would you have raised any questions? It’s a no-win situation when we always only see the possible negative outcome.

And yes, metronidazole can be used to treat STD’s but it’s also used for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease that can be caused by numerous things such as a bacterial imbalance, the IUD and more. Once again don’t try to make the evidence fit the crime.

Once again: I am not saying she isn’t having an affair.

What I am saying is that there are things that indicate she might be cheating, but more or less all the evidence you and your PI have found is still very circumstantial and I think it will be circumstantial at best as long as you search for evidence to fit a predetermined pattern.

If your communications are OK then I would try reasoning with her on this path.

1) You think I brought the crabs – I think you did. Can you imagine any other alternative? Can you imagine any other reason than infidelity that this happened? I’m totally open for any reasonable excuse.

2) I don’t really appreciate living together under the shadow of YOU thinking I cheated. I am surprised that you feel comfortable living with me if I accuse you wrongly of infidelity.

3) Do you really think this marriage is sustainable while we have these suspicions?

4) What realistic suggestions do you have so we can clear the air? Simply believing each other isn’t an option…

5) Why do you fear if we each answer 3-4 questions at a poly. These questions can be identical and solely based on fidelity in this marriage in the last 12 months.

6) What other suggestion do you have?

Deeply – I think SI is a fantastic site and that it is one of the best tool for dealing with infidelity you can find. There is however one situation I think we suck in; situations like yours. We tend to see infidelity in ANY action and have a hard time imagining other reasons for certain behaviors. It’s a no-win situation because we will tell you that action A proves infidelity and it’s opposite will also prove infidelity.

Infidelity is definitely amongst the toughest things I have dealt with. It took me 17 YEARS to recover to where I am today. OK – So maybe 18 months post d-day I only had a slight mental limp left to cure but still, full recovery took that long. That’s why I am not so enthusiastic about finding infidelity in your marriage IF there really isn’t any.

Note that small word: IF

There are definitely red flags and you definitely need resolve but your research and a PI haven’t been able to do better but bring theories to the table…

I don't know if your wife is cheating or not, she could be, but she also could not be.

But I agree with another poster. Why are you calling her dr? And why are you making appointments for her? If it were me I would be pissed also and I am not cheating.

It is possible that your wife does have bv or even a yeast infection. both of these would cause the symptoms you described. What puzzles me though is why your wife doesn't want to get it taken care of.

The making appointments for your wife also twigged me the wrong way. I know wives who schedule for their husbands, but I've never heard before of a man who schedules stuff for his wife. Maybe I'm too old. Do you normally schedule her appointments or did you make this (these) appointment(s) for her to make sure that she DID go to the doctor? I can certainly understand the latter.

I am so sorry about this. If she can't come clean I think you need to consult an attorney. You need to know your options. I am sure she is afraid to tell you and humiliated in some ways, but that is her fault. If she won't get the testing then it is obvious she is lying. I would take the polygraph and then hook her up to it. Good luck...truly....Also, FIre96 is right....if your doctor's office has something where you can look at records online you could see the results there. I know I have that and it's how I contact my doctor and get results.

It is possible that your wife does have bv or even a yeast infection. both of these would cause the symptoms you described.

Yes...but...it is mighty coincidental that two instances of potential STDs crop up within a year? Some women are prone to yeast infections, urinary tract infections and vaginosis. Those women don't even need to go to the doc to have them checked out - they just know what they have and they get a script. Others who don't typically have those things generally get them ONLY with a new sexual partner (or when their sexual partner has other partners) because they often happen when new "flora" are introduced. So, even if it really is vaginosis, I'd be damn worried as to why she happens to get it now, when other red flags are going up.

About the scheduling of my WW appointment...it's pretty standard. She asks me to schedule pretty much all appointments (from hers, mine or the kids). To her, scheduling appointments is busywork. If it is busywork to her, she'll want me to do it. And yes, she even asks me to schedule her gyn appointments. I can understand why she doesn't like to do the scheduling of these types of appointments. All the insurance hassels, copays, contracted rates or self cash pay rates. And remember, I am kind of the househusband in this relationship.

About the mess up of the bacterial overgrowth test...I really don't know how this happened. I know my wife is doing some serious gaslighting, but I don't think she lied about the bacterial overgrowth test. Someone from the gyn office did call. I think it was a mix up at the office.

From the very get go of our marriage, we have always (or almost always) gone to the gyn/ob together. We are very open about it and all other healthcare issues. I wish it were this way about her work related stuff.

Bacterial vaginosis is not technically a STD. WHile it is associated with multiple sex partners, new partner, lack of condom use, it can be seen in women who douche. Pregnancy can change the enviroment in the vagina (thus decreasing the normal number of lactobacilli, resulting in increase of ph). Flagyl or Metronidazole is the drug of choice.

My WW has never had a yeast infection or BV.

Her appointment was confusing because of the way insurance will or will not pay for certain tests (depending if the indication is for a well visit or not). We went in thinking we would get everything taken care of in 1 visit. Because she came in for a specific problem, the insurance company would not cover a routine pap smear. She actually called me during the middle of her appointment to try to explain the process. Later, I called her provider because I wasn't sure why the pap smear was not done. My wife was okay with that. Though she was not okay with me asking for the STD panel. But, when I hear burning with urination, discharge, itchyness, and slight odor, infectious etiologies are at the top of the list.

Right now, the priority is to figure out what the cause of her symptoms and treat it. The fidelity or infidelity issues we will tackle (battle?) once we cure the health issues.

Bigger you are so right about jumping to conclusions. I will try to heed your advice. And you are right, even though there is tension between me the the WW, we still communicate quite well.

I don't know if she is cheating. Honestly I think if she was as much as you are spying you would have found something by now. But I think if she was cheating she wouldn't have brought to your attention her symptoms and would have privately made an gyn appointment to get it taken care of without you knowing. Whether it's busywork or not if she had something to hide she would be hiding it.

You say she goes to the gym could she have gotten the crabs from there? I think she believes you are cheating and controlling and accusing her of something that she isn't doing. If I felt like my husband was checking up on me at work when I had never given him a reason to I wouldn't be too happy either. However if he wanted to visit I'd love it. I just wonder what kind of comments you are saying to her and how long it has been going on.

Have you ever cheated on her? Or in a past relationship that she knows of?

Hrm. Crabs, other weirdness, excuses, does any woman on the planet still douche knowing how dangerous it is?

I''m sorry, I think you''re gaslighting yourself. Especially given your now firm stance of having to get the health issues taken care of first. If you really feel that way, then why did you post?

Sometimes it can be hard. One can post doubts and then in the face of many saying "wow, valid doubts" it can make a person run for the safety of doubting SI posters trying to help. You wouldn''t be here without reason so ... I still suggest you get a full STD panel for yourself.

[This message edited by cayc at 3:23 PM, October 10th, 2013 (Thursday)]

All you have control over is yourself..

Make sure you are clean..Get STD tested every 3-6 months for the rest of this year... Do two or three cycles of testing every 3-4 months apart until you are sure that you are clean and that you are in a life situation in which you are stable and you aren't at risk for getting STD's.. At the very least you want to be able to identify the partner who gave you the STD