SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1st time I was devastated. 2nd and third I was hurt, 4 or 5th not really feeling anything. I think I'm numb. I'm in a gay relationship but all the emotions are the same. Read somewhere that cheating isn't as bad as an affair because they just sexually objectify the other person, there's no real emotion there.We'll either way it cuts deep. Been together for a couple decades. I'm sure now this has probably been going on since the beginning. HA! He wants to make it about "how dare you not trust me and go thru my phone". Oh well. I guess I can choose to continue this even though it is taking its toll on me or I can leave. We have small kids together, last time I left for 9 months. Thought he understood how much it hurt me. This time he didn't bother to use a condom. I tracked the person down and they had no knowledge of me. I wasn't even mad at them. I just wanted one person to be honest. He was honest and actually very sympathetic. So now I have to wonder about my health as well as deal with these emotions. Who knows how many times I didn't figure it out.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. No one deserves to be betrayed like that. When you say cheating isn't as bad as an affair - I assume you mean one night stands. I just want to say that lying and deception are devastating no matter what. That he would repeatedly cheat, lie, betray, put your mental and emotional health at risk, AND risk your health and life with unprotected sex - these things are devastating and terrible for you, whether they were "just" one night stands or a longer affair. And he did it over and over.

You don't trust him and you went through his phone because HE IS NOT trustworthy. Do not allow him to try to shift blame onto you.

I am only 2 months into this process myself, but I want to say, please focus on you and your kids right now. Take care of the basics, eat and drink and try to sleep. Breathe. Read here and post here - it has been a lifesaver for me.

There are lots of great articles in the healing library. Check it out if you can. Give yourself permission to process and gather information before you make any big decisions.

(((AlexFL)))

Ah hun, (((hugs))). You're with a serial cheater who evidently has no intention of changing his ways. He's exposed you to STDs/HIV and evidently, not for the first time. I'm so sorry.

If you haven't already, look up in the left hand corner and in the yellow box, click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. And I might suggest checking out the "I Can Relate" forum and reading on the SA (sexual addict) thread. Because that's what your WBF sounds like to me.

And do take care of yourself and your children. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated. Sleep when you can. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your beautiful children. Come Monday, I would see a lawyer to find out what legal options you have. Knowledge is power, so please go get yourself educated on the legalitys if you decided, rightfully so, that you cannot be put through this gut-wrenching wringer again.

Come back often for support. It's slow here on the weekends, but we are all here to support you.

I blame myself cause we were together so young. (Teenagers) we grew up together and did everything together. Sometimes not so traditional.

Alex...it is NEVER the BS fault and it does not matter how long you have been together! No matter what as BS we may be 50% at fault for the issues in our relationship but the WS IS ALWAYS 100% responsible for the A! I am so sorry you are hurting so much (((hugs)))

(((hugs))) I can't offer any better advice but I understand the pain of being cheated on and it sucks.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 8:57 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

So you've been together a long time. You have a family. And your partner cheats on you, risking everything for a cheap thrill. PLEASE read in The Healing Library. Protect yourself with information. Everyone on this site has been affected by infidelity. We've all been there. Read, especially the 180, then follow through. Don't be nice to your partner, just be tolerant of him. And don't put up with this one more time. He has shown you a huge amount of disrespect and thinks so little of you AND himself that he engages in unprotected sex with, essentially, strangers. This is not honorable in any way. You have some serious thinking to do. Because, unless your partner is willing to turn himself around - which will require a great deal of work on his part - you will live with this kind of thing the rest of your life. YOU have done nothing wrong. Do not blame yourself because you aren't to blame. All this mess is squarely on his shoulders, not yours. Stand up for yourself AND your children. Sending hugs to you....

Hugs to you, I am so sorry you have to be here. Keep posting and STOP blaming yourself.

Be good to yourself.

Jose

Hi AlexFL, I'm sorry for your pain. Lots of good advice above. Keep reading and posting for support and help.

Sorry you've had cause to join our community. We're glad you made it/

I blame myself cause we were together so young.

I understand the sentiment, but absolutely in no way do you bear ANY responsibility for his choice to have an affair. That's on him and him alone.

Please take some time to read in the healing library. The knowledge to be gained there is astounding.

Strength

Life is too short to live this way.

I know how frightening change can be for you and your children but how scary is the prospect of living like this for the rest of your life?

Teach your kids how a person should be treated in a commited relationship. You owe it to them and to yourself.

Hugs

I guess because we weren't always "traditional" and that as a couple we made decisions together to par-take in some non traditional scenes- I feel partly to blame... But on the other side these past things were discussed and decided together- I still can't help feel totally betrayed. I guess some people have open relationships- I do not want an open relationship also because if the shoe was on the other foot- he would not be as rational. He said that since I knew of his cheating and waited to confront him , that I'm fake and pretending, and I just don't know how a person can come home after sneaking around and act as if nothing happened... I would be guilt ridden. I wouldn't be able to look at my self. I am so glad I Checked his phone that night. I don't care that he said it was a betrayal of his trust. I told him that I don't check on him often but unfortunately everytime I have, I have found something. All other aspects of our life seemed to be going very well. We had separated for 9 months a little over a year ago. I thought things were really going well... Did I get what I deserve since we experimented as a couple in the past. Should I just forgive again. If I don't I really have no idea what to do. He finally admitted to it. Still didn't apologize. He said these no point. He says he did use protection but why was I told otherwise by the person he met up with? I am a really good person. I may even be slightly a push over, I forgive way too easily. I have kept note of all the past things as a reminder because by nature I wait her push things out or sweep them under the rug till I don't remember what I'm angry about. In my heart I know I shouldn't tolerate this. I don't have low self esteem, I'm not afraid of being alone. I've loved this person since I was a kid. We've been together forever. All the men in my life have hurt me. He was not suppose to. He always always made me feel so special now I just wonder if I've turned a blind eye for so many years. Sorry this is so long but it feels better to write it out. I don't feel mad. I feel frustrated that AGAIN I'm in the exact situation with him. I am disappointed that this is who he is and I'm upset with myself to feel pity for HIM. Last time I freaked and got angry and he was angry and it was hell. This time like I said before part of me wants to say who cares. There is nothing I can do. We are so entwined in every aspect of our lives. I'm upset and feel like I could scream and then part of me still is deeply in love because other aspects of our life work well. There's no escape for me. I wish I could freeze time so I could think, evaluate and process- instead I find myself with this energy that I need to clean, and throw out old crap, and keep myself busy. An apology would be nice, a sincere apology would be nice. But like I said earlier, maybe I am getting what I deserve.

Alex, this is what the 180 is for. Unfortunately, it won't freeze time, but it will help you to grow stronger and feel more capable of making a well thought out decision.

It would also show your partner how much he really hurt you and you will not put up with it, not for even one minute.

Please take care.

Alex, in the past you may have experimented sexually but it was something you decided on together, right? Your WS going out on his own to seek new sexual partners was not something you agreed to! There is something really broken, immature, selfish and self-centered about someone who will go out and seek new partners while still in a relationship.

On top of that what you describe is a lack of remorse and willingness on his part. Changing cheating behaviour takes a lot of work! Is he really willing to do whatever it takes?!? All the energy that is going into this drama with his serial cheating could be better put towards yours and the children's care...

Only you know when you're done, are you in counselling?

Ugh. This is terrible. I am really not feeling anything, I don't feel anger, I just am not feeling anything. Part of me just feels like I'm an idiot. I should have screamed and yelled but instead I am trying to remain calm. I'm wondering if there is anything left to feel. Have I become so complacent, have I become so numb that there is no reaction left in me. I have to say I don't hate him. He was always so good in so many ways - part of me is just going about things as if nothing happened but not exactly. I know it's affecting me- it's just there's nothing. It didn't work to scream and yell, it didn't work to cry and be sad, so now I just have nothing. Does that seem normal?

It sounds very normal. There are many cycles that we go though in times like this. You are likely in one of them.

It could be though that you have come to accept that he is who he is and you need to move on while you two can remain friends.

I know all this is hard. Please stay strong.

oh boy is that normal!

I think the more you find out or suspect you were cheated on the number you become.

Trust and respect is essential and at the moment you have neither. You don't have to decide today.

Do the 180, find YOU and your life today. Love and protect your children and look after your health (full STI/STD checks).

No one asks for this hell, keep checking phone and email etc there's prob more to come...

((((AlexFL))))

PS. Just want to reiterate that none of the cheating is your fault AT ALL!

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. And this is NOT your fault and you do NOT deserve it. The different feelings you are experiencing day to day are completely normal. I just found this site a week ago and my DD was 14 months ago. I wish I would have found this site then. Keep reading and posting and do the 180!!! You deserve a true apology and since remorse from him. Do not just settle and put your needs last. You have to be honest with him about what this is doing to you. And if he really gets it and wants a future with you he will be willing to do whatever it takes to have you in his life.

Just took an HIV test. Came out negative. So I am somewhat relieved but I know I need to take another one in a couple months. At least I can breathe for a minute.

Alex, welcome to the club no one ever plans to join.

Please stop blaming yourself. So earlier in your relationship you mutually agreed upon some nontraditional activities, big deal. THEY WERE MUTUALLY AGREED UPON. That's not what causes him to now lie to you, and have sex with random people. What causes that is something very broken within him. You need to stop trying to own his actions. The only person you have control over is you. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can start to heal yourself. Figuring out what you want, and how to go about getting it.

Do NOT allow him to blameshift this, snooping in his phone, he's your partner, correct? Then there should be nothing to hide. NOTHING, and the fact that there is, tells me that you probably have just touched upon the surface of what he has done.

Now the most important thing is to take care of you, and your kids, just like on a flight, you have to put your oxygen mask on first, before you can help your kids, you have to put your mental well being first and foremost, if you don't you won't have anything left to give your kids.

Get into counseling for yourself. Read up on 180, it's for you, so you can get strong again.

You don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, but you do need to start thinking on what it would take from him, for you to continue to stay in this relationship, and ask for it. If he is worth sticking around for he will hop at the chance to make things right, if he doesn't then you have an idea how much he is willing to try to help and save the relationship.

((((and strength))))