SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((Nutty1)))

I am sorry for all the stress you are under just now.

I know here in Scotland - if you can prove Adultery it is a quicker way to divorce.

Do you have any proof eg: emails, etc. Do you have anyone that would be able to speak up to his affair ? that would also help.

Keep strong - take care xxx

Although your pain is unimaginable and there seems no light, day by day you will get stronger and you will get through this. This is nothing you did, 100% his choices - and his consequences too.

Hello

Gently here, so very gently and with a huge amount of kindness and sympathy but - Is there a possibility that your WS is reacting badly due to his inability to handle the loss of the baby as well?

I know it sounds like a long-shot but people do very strange things when something like this happens. Esp. men. They are totally useless in a lot of bad situations.....

Please understand, I am not defending him BUT.....

Is there a small chance? I agree he has behaved disgustingly....surprising to me that someone could do this but I've discovered a lot of disgusting things over the course of the last year and frankly, I'm not surprised by much these days. Have you tried going NC? Maybe you both need to take some time to re evaluate things and see where everyone stands. Could he be retaliating because you threw him out? Is that possible? The cheating could also be because of the loss of the baby? There is so much at play here. It just doesn't sound as cut and dried to me as it seems. I might be overly sensitive because of the way I reacted to a loss once, but is it possible??????

Even if its possible that this is his way of responding to stress, he still is a total and utter dickwad.

So sorry Nutty for your loss of your baby, and the ensuing nightmare. You deserve comfort and support not abandonment and betrayal.

It will get better. Hang in there.

Yes I think he is reacting very badly to the loss of our baby, I suspect he feels very guilty because I begged him to come home that day but he wouldn't!

He's just picked up the kids & taken them out to the park & I am shaking like a leaf! His reaction was to run away because he didn't know how to fix things between us, I'm not under no circumstances defending him, I am 50% to blame for the problems in our marriage but the affair he chose to have is 100% his fault!

All my family despise him for what he has done but I can't turn off my feelings off for him. Am I mad? I'm not the sort of person who can forgive stuff like this, I would always bring it up. Totally confused

I am 50% to blame for the problems in our marriage

Not quite. This saying has always bothered me. It's like saying a bicycle tire is 50% responsible for the bike moving. It's not quite true. It suggests that one partner (or tire) can do 0% and things can still be okay. In truth, it's not an additive function but more like multiplying two percentages - each partner is 100% responsible for their part.

Affairs are prevalent during times of stress, but it's no excuse. Even a dog knows shitting in his bed ain't gonna fix anything. Yes, he may have been grieving the loss of the child, but his choice was selfish and only looking for a quick ego-stroke. If anything, those external factors are contributors or catalysts - much like poor driving is exposed by icy roads. If he was hurting, there were more constructive choices he could have made. If it wasn't ice, then it would have been wind, or rain, or something else. It is important to properly deal with those contributing factors, but he must still deal with the root cause which lies somewhere within himself.

I can't turn off my feelings off for him. Am I mad?

Not at all. You can't turn feelings on and off so easily. And when someone shows you that they're not who you thought they were, it's hard to make sense of that. Don't feel that you are crazy for loving him. But - don't neglect to love yourself.

Hi Nutty

You're not mad. You're hurt.

If loving and caring for a person could be turned off like a tap after that partner behaved poorly, there would be no need for SI.

Grief is normal, wishing for the past to change is normal, wishing it would all somehow go away and things get back to normal is normal.

There is always the possibility that things can be different. He sounds very broken at the moment and without help that's unlikely to change.

For that reason you need to concentrate on you.

Time will reveal your path.

Keep taking deep breaths, and well done for surviving your children's trip to the park!

(((((hugs)))))

My heart goes out to you dear and you will be in my prayers. You did NOT NOT NOT cause the death of your sweet baby! He is just feeling like a lowlife pig for messing around on you, and now he will rewrite history to make it so he does not look so bad. DONT LET HIM!!!

Stay away from him...PERIOD. Move in with a parent or best friend until you can make some decisions, but a man like this can not be reasonably expected to stay faithful. If he can blame you for harming your child then you should not let him come back. The hardest part is done-he is away from you. Now find a place to sleep and lick your wounds until you can make a plan. SI members are WONDERFUL for offering support and helping you sort out your future.

Praying for your peace.

k

Hi Nutty1,

Just wondering how you and the children are today?

Sending you (((Hugs)))

Have been thinking about you . Take care xxx

I'm really really mad right now! He didn't turn up last night to see little one & today he's all "oh you wouldn't have let me see him anyway!" He's separating all our finances which is a good thing, I've asked him for child contact agreement & maintenance in writing & a signed confession from him admitting adultery. My solicitor told me that this is the only way a judge will grant divorce on grounds of adultery in this country.

I have also asked him to agree to ow having no contact with my children for the foreseeable future which according to my solicitor I can do for 6 months. I don't feel anything but anger towards him right now.

I'm glad to hear that you are protecting yourself legally. It is stressful, but with taking these practical, logistical steps, you will find them empowering.

I'm going to ask again, but is there any advantage to filing under adultery where you live? If not, it may cost you more in time, money, and frustration if you push that battle. In some areas it has an impact into the divorce agreement, but in others it doesn't mean a thing. What I'm trying to say is keep smart and in control of your emotions.

A clause about the OW not having contact is a good idea for helping the children transition with less confusion. Just keep in mind, many times these clauses are more of a formality and not really enforceable.

Another thing to keep in mind - don't expect in separation/divorce what your WH would not give in the marriage.

Please know that your anger is a good thing! It is something deep within you telling you that you have been treated unfairly and unjustly. Anger provides intense energy - direct this into propelling you forward with your life and taking the necessary actions to realise this goal. Exercise is a great way to help manage the associated stress. Anger becomes an issue when you allow it to control you and the choices you make. Keep a rational head and use the anger to work for you. The best thing you can do for the children is to show them how a healthy, functional adult takes charge and responsibility and overcomes adversity. Hang in there!

I am using my anger to propel myself forward, D is something I never thought I would do with my husband but then again he always told me he would never cheat on me, but he did & now he has to face the consequences of his actions. If he won't admit adultery I will D him for unreasonable behaviour, I have plenty of grounds for this as well!

I am not willing to tolerate his behaviour anymore, someone else in this forum said there can only be 2 people in a marriage & I'm not willing to have 3 in mine. I'm fed up of having to listen to what he wants; he's got what he wanted, he lives with her & she's fucking welcome to him!

Sweetie, many here have offered some wonderful advice. I don't think I can add anything new, but I just want to say that I am so so sorry that this is happening to you, too. We are all here for each other. Vent when you need to. Ask for advice, too. I'll listen.

((((HUGS))))

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Take your pick – adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion. You have all three. Take the one that’s the least hassle for you. I don’t see how he can deny adultery. Everyone KNOWS he’s f**cked off with your former friend, but don’t let grounds drag things out when you want to proceed at quickly as possible. After the event, no one else will care what the grounds were. Involve him as little as possible.

As for not coming and keeping to his parental duties, keep a diary or journal of every agreement, time, date, conversation, text, email, letter. Everything. You will probably have to refer back to certain details from time to time and if you have it all there, that will make it so much easier to throw stuff back at him - or his solicitor.

Get your own finances sorted. You have to assume you will get nothing from him for the time being. Again, make sure you diarise what he does spend or contribute towards (if anything) and make notes of things he refuses to pay for or contribute towards. I would also suggest you get a voice recorder or Dictaphone if he’s going to get shitty.

The cost of divorce is elastic, as you’ve probably found out already. Your solicitor should have given you some guidelines to the average in their practice. Ask how to keep costs down, especially if your WH contests anything through his solicitor. Again, pop down to the CAB and get some FREE advice if you haven’t already.

Being angry is fine. But don’t let it rule you or dictate rash decisions. Remember YOU are the most important person right now. Look after YOU so that you can look after your children. If you are losing weight, eat little and often. Stress can take a toll on the body, so eat well, take exercise and fresh air, avoid alcohol and lean on friends and family.

Keep on keeping on. Hugs.

UKg xxx

Hi Nutty 1,

Glad you are getting finances sorted out.

If you are receiving benefits at this time - his maintenance is over and above that. Lots of women worry that if they go after maintenance it will reduce their benefits. This is not the case - he has a duty to his children.

Keep posting and ask for support whenever you need to talk.

(((Hugs))) to you all xxx

Righteous anger will propel you forward for a while. Please make sure your family are ready to catch you when that runs out and you are exhausted.

In the mean time, keep up the good work.

FTG!

I spoke to him this morning & for someone so keen to live with another woman he is sure dragging his feet over the whole divorce thing. He's complaining that I never answer my phone when it's him, that's the 180 for u sweetie! I've asked him to write a confession statement over adultery, just to see if he would do it really. Cruel I know but gives me some satisfaction to hear him squirm!

Do I come right out & ask him if he wants a divorce or just get the papers done & see his reaction to them?

Do I come right out & ask him if he wants a divorce or just get the papers done & see his reaction to them?

Depends on what you want. If you don’t want him back, just get on with it. Tell him you expect to have his written confession by the weekend. If you don't get it, go with unreasonable behaviour - moving in with his gf is unreasonable! Then you will feel you have wrenched some control back. It’s not unusual for the WS to suddenly realise what is happening and have a change of mind! A bit like the child who has lost interest in a loved toy which suddenly becomes their absolute favourite when you want to chuck it out. Or seeing that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s actually Astroturf. Or, sadly, only realising the value of something when it’s gone.

Repeat: Keep a diary.

Just got a nasty email from him written by his girlfriend so I guess that answers the D question! He's all I really have a duty to my son blah blah blah! He hasn't been there at all for him, I've kept a diary regarding the contact he has had with him & it's not much. I've continually told him he has to arrange contact with him & maintain phone calls etc but I guess his new life is more exciting

Hmm. Don’t be surprised by anything. Step away from the nastiness and rise above it. His life is just different and a distraction for now. He is avoiding himself but the thing is, that person is the one he has to live with every day. When he has to face what he has done and how he has behaved, he has to rationalise it into something it is not. This will end up being your fault in some way or another and it is important to take this on board from the very start – none of this is your fault. These are his poor choices and crap coping mechanisms. He has chosen the path of least resistance instead of stepping up and dealing with responsibilities and relationships. He’s weak as dishwater and pathetic to boot if he is letting her into the correspondence with you. All I can say is what a bitch.

Keep a steady path – this new road is going to be taking you to a better place. There will be huge ups and downs, but remember you are your own best friend. Treat yourself that way. Be kind, but be firm and you will get through this.

Hugs sweetie xx