SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Que:

If he applies for a divorce, does it cost you money? Or does he have to pay for it?

Just wondering aloud.

He is being totally spineless.

I think he really needs some help esp if he's allowing your ex'friend' to email you. That's twisted.

Keep up with the 180. Only communicate about children and spend time with friends and family.

((((hugs))))

If I apply for divorce I have to pay for it! I wish I had never met him :(

He's trying to destroy me, what have I ever done to deserve such treatment? He's left me with nothing, treats me like a nobody. More revelations came out about our baby's death yesterday & he just blanked it as if he was nothing, I did nothing to deserve this, nothing!

I’m so sorry you are being treated in this way. Don’t take offence at his apparent indifference – this is the way he is choosing to cope. It will come back to bite him later, but right now all he can do is squash it down and nail the lid on it. He probably fears spiralling out of control if he even acknowledges he has feelings and emotions. I bet it’s there, just under the surface. But that’s him, not you. His problem, not yours.

He is treating you badly so that you will behave angrily and spitefully towards him and then he can justify his affair, walking out on you and his behaviour towards you now. This is standard for the WS who leaves. He is blame shifting and, believe me, everything including the weather will be your fault. Try to see it all for what it is. He cannot deal with what has happened and what he has done. He is behaving in the most appalling and cowardly way – he knows it and deep down he must despise himself. But that is not your problem. He has made his choice and now you must make your own in a way that takes you forward and doesn’t hold you back.

He resents you for reminding him of everything that he had and what he did. Try to step back a bit, deal with him on a purely practical level and expect the worst in every dealing you have with him. You are right – you have done nothing to deserve this. But hold on to your dignity, your faith in your own abilities, your friends, family, children and know you will come out of the other side. As the saying goes: when you’re going through hell, keep going!

Thank u, such wise words as always!

I really think he can't see anything but himself right now. When his dad died he span out of control for 6 months but we weren't together then, he came back to me then & said I saved him at that point! With this other woman tho he's probably saying that to her. I just want him to wake up & see what he's doing but probably too late now x

Hey nutty, ^^^^^^

Echoing UKg!

He clearly has major problems and an inability to cope with unexpected and highly emotionally charged situations. That is his problem. He will get help eventually and hopefully heal but it will be too late to 'fix' this mess.

1)Everyone responds EMOTIONALLY to situations

2)Everyone then develops THOUGHTS based on those emotions

Neither of these are deliberate or even conscious 3)The ACTIONS that you then take based on your emotional and thought responses are a deliberate choice.

Everyone CHOOSES how to actively respond and those actions come with consequences, far reaching consequences.

That is why you are supposed to THINK before you ACT. Eg. consider the consequences

He did not.

I believe that one of the consequences of his actions is divorce. I don't understand why he wants to make that difficult, unless somewhere deep down there is a flicker, telling him he may have done the wrong thing.

Yep, I was hoping that he would realise that his terrible behaviour would warrant him being a man and applying for the divorce and basically owning his shit. But I don't think that it's going to happen fast enough for your sanity.

Hang tough x

UKGirl nailed the mind of an unremorseful WS in a nutshell. Read her last two posts again and again, until it sinks in and makes sense.

He's trying to destroy me, what have I ever done to deserve such treatment? He's left me with nothing, treats me like a nobody. More revelations came out about our baby's death yesterday & he just blanked it as if he was nothing, I did nothing to deserve this, nothing!

Oh boy... do I remember that. FWIW, I believe my xw dashed down the slippery slope after she had miscarried late in her pregnancy. She said some truly terrible and hurtful things as well. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt now that she never truly meant them, but they still stung. And that blank stare was very disconcerting... like she was looking right through me. But you know what? I would rather hurt like hell any day over being nothing more than an empty shell and shadow of myself. Because if I hurt, that means that I care about something. And if I care about something, than I can care enough to let it change my life. That even if someone has reduced my life to dust, they cannot reduce me. And with the clutter out of the way, I can rebuild that world and rebuild it right.

Hold on... you are embarking on a journey. Every step is yours to take and what matters is the path you choose to walk. Where will this journey take you? Through ups and downs. Through dark caverns and sunlit meadows and to the highest peaks. But in the end it doesn't matter where the journey leads you. Because the journey is all about what happens on the way. It is about the stength and integrity and positive changes in you that you will find within yourself. Keep faith - you may not go where you thought you would, but you will be where you need to be. The journey is the reward.

[This message edited by SerJR at 6:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

How are you doing, Nutty?

Hugs - UKg

Surrounded myself with lovely family this weekend who had travelled from miles around to be with me! Still feeling very stressed with everything but feeling very blessed to have had so much support from you guys & my family x

Good. Friends and family IRL are your haven.

In this crazy time, common sense, sympathy and empathy go a long way to soothing your stripped raw soul.

Hoping you find some solace and peace this weekend. Hugs to you sweetie.

Ukg xxx

Well, yet more nasty spiteful messages that he's taking my car today which will leave me housebound! I've no way of getting my little one to nursery & to counselling & hospital appointments that r essential to me. Feeling crushed & broken. I've heard alot of the lies he's been telling friends & ow, trying to justify his actions so at least I know I wasn't the only one taken in by him.

I don't know what my future holds & the life ill be able to offer my children. It's gonna be a very bleak outlook for us & I'm crying my heart out right now. The ow has taken my future for herself, everything we ever worked for its all gone to one selfish manipulative woman who only saw £ signs in her eyes!

Why is this 'his" car? Once married all propertie is joint property.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]

He used my car as a down Payment on it & put new car in his name. Why was I so stupid to believe all his lies. He just came to pick the kids up & I really really lost it with him while he just stood there gloating & laughing at me. I'm so so fucking stupid to let him get to me like this. So ashamed of myself.

Are you getting legal aid?

I know you had/have financial issues making legal aid hard but has that been resolved?

If you can show that your car’s value was used to assist in attaining a home… Well congratulations! You are a house owner!

If your legal situation hasn’t been dealt with…

Google abused women’s support groups and hot-lines in your area.

These groups usually focus on domestic physical abuse but they also tend to be the best resource for legal aid, pointing to fair and competent attorneys, pro-bono and public support.

You are not stupid Nutty. You are a kind-hearted, trusting individual and you WH is taking advantage of that. Bigger is right that the car should legally be just as much your property as his. If he's going to take it, then he must buy you out - talk to your lawyer to follow up on that to make sure.

You can't keep comparing yourself to the OW. Because when you do that, you are doing it on their terms and you will lose because of that. Focus of you life and what you need to find fulfillment within it. The one thing you always have in life is yourself - for you it will be your greatest reward... and for your WH and OW it will be their greatest curse.

I know how bleak this all looks now, but you have a lot of life ahead of you, and a lot to offer your children. It is gonna hurt like hell, but you gotta get up, dust yourself off, and keep trudging along to get to that future. Keep strong nutty - be the woman you and your children deserve.

(((Nutty)))

There's no legal aid in this country anymore, it all got scrapped in April. We have to pay for everything ourselves. We rented this house, so we don't own it, because he put the car in his name he owns it & I am left without a leg to stand on!

Can not believe I've been such an idiot, to trust someone so much, to have children with him, albeit one of them dying just a few weeks ago. My whole world destroyed in just a few short weeks. I don't really no how much lower I can go

Pardon my French, but what a dick..

Not even an ounce of concern that you will be stranded with small kiddos..

If D hasn't been filed yet maybe you can use a credit card that is in your WH's name to rent or lease a car..In the end, he would be responsible for 1/2 the bill or debt..I think...Although this was one of the first suggestions that popped into my head, I hope others chime in to tell you whether or not this is a good idea ..

I'm under the impression that nutty doesn't have a lawyer because she can't afford one..

((((nutty))))

Oh Nutty,

I'm so glad you have your children with you, your family and SI, and so sorry your H has turned into a monster and is hurting you continually.

In the UK, do they consider the car his, even if you are both still M? Like another poster said, it seems the car would technically be both of yours, and in the event of a D, it is half yours.

Can you ask him for his new car in order to get the children to school, the doctor, etc.? Make him believe it is temporary, and remind him he can use OW's car in the mean time? Then, have the locks changed and don't give it back. When you get D, you'll most likely have to sell it and give him 1/2, or perhaps you can keep it, giving him something else for his half.

If you can't get the car, does anyone have a car for you to borrow?

Regarding the letter stating he had an A: if you absolutely need some sort of proof to get a D on the grounds of A, then I would suggest you not tell him anything about D, and especially that you need a letter in order to do it. If he knows you are pursuing D, and you need a letter stating he had an A, he will most certainly not write it.

Find another way to get him to admit to the D in writing. If he won't, at least get copies of everything he and OW have posted on FB, and other places that reference their relationship and cohabitating.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. That alone is devastating.

OW has not taken your life. She has just taken your monster of a H, and set some serious changes in motion. You still have your life, it will just look a little different from now on, but it is still your life.

When your think of your loving husband, remember what you said about his life spiraling out of control after his dad's death. He was not a stable man then, he said you were the stable one and you saved him. So now he is spiraling out of control again, and it is not because of the loss of the baby, it is because he was never stable. He sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and although it hurts right now, it would have hurt in 5 years, or 10 years, or whenever he decided to throw in the towel on being a devoted, reliable husband.

You are the stable one. You will put your life together again, and be happy again.

Hugs for you, (((((nutty)))))

HBH

I can ask my mum for use of her car but I hate relying on everyone else for everything. I always have been a very proud person & stood on my own two feet right up until I became very ill almost 3 years ago. I've rarely asked anyone for help & I'm sickened by myself for acting the way I am.

I'm just sat here thinking about my baby & worried sick about the future my other 2 children will have. I can't believe things have sunk so low!