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Soooo...WHs EAP program sent him to a psychologist. His 1st appt was today. He gets in the car afterwards and I asked him how it went. He says it went okay they talked about his family and the affair. He said he told the psychologist about all the questions I've asked or am asking and he says to me, smug as shit, "the guy said to me that it seems like you're just trying to keep it 'right there' at the surface".

I just looked at WH like ummmm okay. And then he says "I told him yeah that's what I thought too but I thought maybe it was just me"

WHAT IN THE LOVE OF GOD DOES THAT MEAN!? I found out he was fucking some little barely 22 year old slut just over two months ago and I'm just trying to keep this at the surface?!

Of course its at the surface! It hasn't even been scratched! Dammit I'm pissed off. So now he's got this dumbass telling him that I'm just dwelling on it?

He may have well just said "yeah your wife is crazy to talk about it still you were wrong to had an affair but she needs to drop it so in the future you can have another". Idk if that even made sense but I'm so mad I hope you all reading this can understand.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY!

Does this guy even have a fraction of a fucking clue?

I'm sure WH was in there all poor me, the wife is so mean. Did he even tell this idiot that it just fucking happened? Its been barely two months? That of course I want details, sexual and emotional. I need to know what I'm going to try to forgive and until I know I won't stop!

Shit! I would love to smuggle my way into their next appt next week and tell this guy "no! He's lying" or "no that's not the whole truth" just so he gets the right answers.

Keeping it at the surface?! Are you effing kidding me???

I'm so glad I'm on medication right now because I could really be flipping off the handle. I can't wait until I start IC so I can hear what level this pyschologist is thinking on. Really???

I am sooooooo livid!

On a side note, thanks to my meds I'm doing really well not flipping shit on the WH.

This guys name is Dr. Dick.......a dick indeed!!!

The therapist may or may not have said that. Your WH may just be telling you that or he may have minimized it to the therapist. Who Knows??? If he did say that then the therapist is probably a wayward himself. I would demand he find a new therapist. This is one of the reasons I don't push too much for MC.

Some ws's latch on to whatever they can in counseling sessions. Mine would latch onto one small sentence from the entire 90 minute session and bring that one sentence up repeatedly. Funny he never brought up the other 89 minutes that gave him a friggin clue as to how to help me.

I feel your pain. I'd tell him that unless I HEARD the words and heard the context in which those words were spoken, then anything said regarding our R was not to be uttered. For all you know the counselor said "So in your opinion, wh, your wife is just keeping this on the surface?" There are also bad therapists out there. Some are ws's themselves and use their pulpit to make themselves feel better. Hugs.

WH may have minimized it, at this point I wouldn't doubt it. Two nights ago he got upset bc I wanted to talk about again and he said "the fact is I slept with someone else, so what, its over that's the past let's work on the future". So what?? Give me a fucking break! Let's see if I go have an affair (I'm not) if "so what" fixes it all. Jackass!

If this isn't going to make progress then he needs to go elsewhere. I was so hopeful, now I feel like were back to square one.

Your WS is just going through the motions until you drop it.

He is not remorseful at all and he's only hearing what he wants to hear.

The IC could have said "Your wife is keeping all this on the surface because to her your affair just happened and she is still going through things"

But all he heard was that you are just keep it all on the surface.

Reguardless, the rugsweeping and deflection are going to make it very hard if not impossible for true R to happen.

Ive had some pretty bad experiences with counselors, so Im not totally surprised. I had a specialized SA counselor tell me I didnt have the "right" to ask for details! wth? She also said I was "trapping" him by asking questions. Another who supposedly specialized in infidelity yelled at me that I was trying to be "freakin perry mason". My husband told me that his counselor told him something similar to yours, about why I ask the same questions over and over.

Of course, with that one, it did cross my mind that my husband may have heard it "through his own interpretation" if you know what I mean.

So its possible that your husband did twist the counselors words. Its possible the counselor is an @ss.

You have every right to be ticked off; you have every right to ask him and talk about it. I think its one of the hardest things for some waywards to truly "get". And until they get their heads out of their ass, get enough empathy to understand the hurt they caused and what they need to do to rectify it, even if it makes them uncomfortable, they will be pissing you off and destroying things further.

This guys name is Dr. Dick

No friggin way!

You definitely need to see this IC - remember, you're getting your WH's side - he could be twisiting things to suit himself.

((((suposd))))

"the fact is I slept with someone else, so what, its over that's the past let's work on the future"

Did he mention to his therapist that he said this to you?

Personally, I'd be more concerned about your H saying "so what", versus the therapist saying "so she's keeping in near the surface." The therapist could have had a reason for saying this, but it was lost on your H.

"So, it seems like your W is continuing to bring up stuff and keeping everything right there near the surface. ....why do you think she is doing that? Is she hurting a lot? How have you apologized? How do you feel about having betrayed her?"

I can tell you are livid, and I can see why. You've got plenty to be livid about. I have not advice on how to correct the situation, other than to ask yourself if he truly seems gut wrenching, sick at his stomach, worst mistake of my life, remorseful. If not, I'm not sure R is a good path for you two.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Go to his next session with him and talk to the dr to get some clarification. While it is conceivable that the dr did say that, it may also be that he didn't but that is what your WH heard.

Don't make it about MC but you should be able to talk to the doc every now and again at the sessions.

I found in the early days I had to be there or my H would minimize or not talk at all about his real issues ( he was in IC for 18 months after Dday 1 and was lying to both of us). Once I was comfortable the C was up to speed and my H was owning his shit he contined on alone, with my joining him occasionally.

A lifetime of lying, rationalizing and hiding from oneself doesn't magically disappear in the counselor's office.

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate every single one of you.

I can understand that his counselor may have talked about me bringinig up the affair in a different way and WH telling me he said it in another more negative way. Afterall, WH kept telling me that any kind of "brain doctor" will tell me and him the same thing that he said Dr Dick told him, which is the same thing he told me he would say...so yeah completely possible.

I was in utter shock when he said the "So what" comment. I could feel my whole body react to that one. He immediately retracted and and tried to explain his way out of that one but he already dug the hole. I think he is convinced that eventually I will "get over it" and move on.

I have taken his story and details of what happens and used them in a way to tell a story as if they were mine. Painted a picture and then asked him how it woud feel. He looked sick telling me that he would hate feeling that way. I told him thats how I feel but a million times worse because its real life for me.

He says he kind of knows how I feel becasue hes been cheating on before. Yeah in past, short only months long, relationships. I asked him if it hurt, he said yes. I asked him if he had questions, he said yes but he felt they were pointless to ask bc they didnt change anything about the facts. (I think that last one was answered that way to make me feel like Im crazy) Then I asked him if he had children with the ones who cheated, he said no. Married to them? No. House and life built up with them? No. So WHY does he know how I feel?

I dont know if his counselor is a wayward himself or just an idiot. Im going to go off the top of my head and say idiot but thats mainly because Im not sure yet.

Sometimes I think hes remorseful, like when he gets to sobbing and begging and then showing. But then he goes a few days and I want to talk about it again and then he gets all irritated. Once hes irritated we argue and then he cries around a bit more.

He actually told me the reason he kept it up is because he thought that 1) I would never find out 2) He was afraid that if he didnt the OW would tell me and 3) he was afraid if I found out I would leave him.

I said well heres an idea, in order 1) I never wouldve found out if you hadnt fucked around 2) If you never fucked her to begin with then she would have nothing to tell and 3) I wouldnt be in a position to contemplate leaving over this if you hadnt fucked around!

Moral of the story? Anybody? Anybody know the answer? DONT FUCK AROUND ON YOUR SPOUSE!!!! For all who answered that correctly you deserve a very delicious, homemade cookie

My response and gratitude for all your replies turned into a bitchfest. I apologize. I really do appreciate you all and love all the advice, words andwisdomt everyone offers. Im so happy I found this place

ETA to YES!!! His psychologists name is Dr. Dick!!! I lmao every time

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 8:12 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

Our MC offered to do IC with one of us, and gave me the option of staying with her, or having WH stay. I was adamant that he continue working with her instead of me, and was very clear that I didn't want him to have the opportunity to tell a new IC whatever he wanted. I find some relief knowing that our MC not only knows he took the A underground after Dday, but knows that he was going to MC with me the entire time and saying all the right things. She knows that he lies, where a new IC might have ended up with only part of the story.

You know suposd2b, you're kind of funny the way you put things into words. Please don't be offended, because we're not truly in a funny situation here, but you made me laugh a few times. Very good with words.

This guys name is Dr. Dick.......a dick indeed!!!

I'd say your spunk will help you thru alot.

Hugs.

Thank you Thinkingtoomuch, I get through things with humor and sarcasm and its been helping me quite a bit.

Not only do I get a laugh when I reread the things I post but I hope others do as well.

Our counselor said something similar yesterday, but to prove a point to WH. WH and I said we're both sick of the fighting, sick of no progress (it was our 2nd meeting with a new counselor, #6), and I don't think anything is going to be different this time than with the last 5 counselors. He asked WH what he was all sick of. WH told him, and he said "So, she's doing this, this, and this? But you admit that you are still doing this, this, and this. Do you think that maybe if you stopped doing all that then maybe she wouldn't have a reason to be doing this?"

And I'm sure that if I wasn't there he would've twisted it. My WH sounds a lot like yours. Same kind of "It happened, let it go, work on the future, blah, blah, blah" kind of comments. At least he admitted that he still keeps bringing it into the present every time he screws up.

mmmm homemade cookies.

He said he told the psychologist about all the questions I've asked or am asking and he says to me, smug as shit, "the guy said to me that it seems like you're just trying to keep it 'right there' at the surface".

It's also entirely possible that the IC really said that "suposd2btheonly1 is keeping things on the surface because this is a big-enough deal that it needs to be kept on the table. She's doing the right thing because she's not rugsweeping." Either way, I'd like to pretend he meant it as a compliment and your H twisted it all up to his own satisfaction.

he said "the fact is I slept with someone else, so what, its over that's the past let's work on the future".

So, he's totally cool with the fact he threw away your sexual intimacy on someone else, completely invalidated all the intimacy in your marriage, and caused you great pain doing it? Good to know!

*mumbles* Total asshole *cough*

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:05 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

I think that all the time Silverhopes. Sometimes he says so much stupid shit and I want to punch his face.

Then other times he says really great things. Its all making me crazy!!!

It is crazy making.

Nuances such as, "So it seems (to you) that your wife is keeping it hear the surface?" are sometimes unnoticed. They don't always hear the whole thing- the (to you) part gets forgotten.

But, grrr, what an extra load of problems to deal with! I'm sorry.

Mine would twist stuff in his mind to hear what he wanted to hear. In this case it would be him saying I was asking questions. The IC saying, so this is keeping things at the surface for you? Which is an informational question. My F wh saying in his head, exactly what yours did. This is why I go to therapy to check in. I have said to his Ic, I felt anger at your telling him it's his choice to tell me blah blah. Him saying I understand it anger, I actually said its your choice to answer but not being honest is causing her increased pain.

Mine is now trying to reaffirm what he here's versus what he twists. Them being idiots is affirmed by there actions of that led us hers.

It's only the first session I wouldn't put to much into what your H says afterwards. They only hear what they want to and could be taken totally out of context when repeated to you. The therapist may have said something along those lines to exhibit some empathy to your WH to gain some trust with him, so that he could possibly consider being honest about his feelings in future sessions. The process is a long one especially when the patient is not open to possibly being the problem!

And WH's behavior/reaction seems pretty typical and I'd be surprised if a therapist didn't see right through it.