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Sometimes I feel OK and we are making an effort to be normal with each other - holding hands, joking, sending each other emails with funny things we have seen etc. But always in the back of my head is that feeling that something isn't right - I am not used to it as we have never had a big problem before and we always sort out any issues quickly.

It has only been 3 weeks so I know I am probably expecting miracles but it has been the longest 3 weeks of my life and I just can't imagine how things will go back to how they were - where I can just feel completely comfortable again in his company and not analyse every time I show him any affection - or have a fun conversation together without immediately feeling stupid afterwards like I am letting him off too easy.

I know the answer is just time but I really hate how it is at the moment, I can sometimes forget for a short while and then it hits me again. I am sometimes about to message him and say I love you and then have to stop myself when I remember that's not what I do right now.

He wants me to talk to him and tell him every time I am feeling sad, even if it means waking him up in the middle of the night - but I just can't always put my finger on what it is that is wrong, all I can say is that I feel sad.

Just all very strange feelings and although we are working on the closeness there is a distance between us that we have never ever had before.

I just don't know whether I am keeping him at a bit of a distance because I want to or just because I think I should, it's all so confusing :-( Sorry, I don't even know why I am writing this because it is just more time that we need but I don't have anyone else to talk to so it helps to write it down, thanks for listening!

I have no answers chick

But I know exactly what you mean

I'm at 6 weeks and I haven't felt comfortable with anything that entire time.

Hope we both feel better soon

Thanks Marathonwaseasy, I hope you feel better soon too.

He is being great at least - telling me he knows I will need a lot of time and I should tell him when I need anything and what I want him to do to support me. He knows I will sometimes feel OK and sometimes now and says it is totally understandable. But I just don't know. I feel better that we have been closer but then I can't do it all the time.

I just can't figure it out in my own head - I 'accept' his one night stand in that I believe that it was not premeditated, I believe that he has told be the truth about everything, I believe that he is disgusted with himself and fully remorseful and does not want to ever hurt my like this again. So if I believe all of that then I don't understand what it is I can't get over and that is what is worrying me - if I don't know what is wrong then I don't know how to make it better.

He's broken his vows.

You're devastated.

You're minimising

You can divorce him because what he has done is so massive

Such a total wound to you and your marriage

That's what is wrong

Xxx

The pain and devastation is still pretty fresh.

It is normal that you don't feel completely safe.

Betrayal changes who we are, writes a painful message on our heart.

Read from the healing library and get some ideas for books to assist you in processing through the stages of recovery.

He's broken his vows.

You're devastated.

You're minimising

You can divorce him because what he has done is so massive

Such a total wound to you and your marriage

That's what is wrong

Xxx

Yeah I guess when you write it out like that then it does make sense - just time needed then and probably quite a lot of it.

Thanks for the replies, sorry that you are all going through this too :-(

I agree with everything that has been said. I am the same way. Why did they do this to us. My wife doesn't deserve a text or two telling her I love her. But, then I don't want a divorce either, and I want her, really want her.

I punished my wife daily and kept a distance or divider between us. Not sure if it was healthy, but it made things worse in our trying to work through.

I think most of us if not all just don't trust our spouses yet, also, afraid of it happening again. I could not handle that pain again. Not sure if that is part of your thinking or not, but, the pain was unbearable for me.

I wanted to move on so I started in increments to start a relationship again. Your husband sounds very remorseful and will do what you need. My wife was not at first, took her 3 months to snap out of it. Now she is very remorseful, full of guilt, and I ache she hurts so much, but, she should feel that pain as a reminder.

Your husband sounds like he feels that same pain. Take your time and trust him in increments. Work on yourself and your marriage. Let him help you. Sad to say we need our way wards to help us through this and they caused it. It seems to work for me though.

You deserve to heal and if it is your choice to stay with your WH, then commit to that. If you feel sad but don't know why, tell him that. Let him know, be honest, that will be your best ally in rebuilding, honesty. It sounds like your husband gets it and will understand.

Good luck dear!

Thank you Smokehouse, yes you are right in that he is in a lot of pain and, like you, it hurts me to see him like that but I have to force myself not to show sympathy as I think he should be in pain.

I do feel like we will get to a point where I have to allow it though as if we are going to be happy together then we both have to get back to a happy place, not just me, it can't be just about me forever.

You deserve to heal and if it is your choice to stay with your WH, then commit to that.

This makes a lot of sense, good advice. Even though it often feels unnatural and occasionally forced, I am making myself be closer to him by holding his hand etc. and trying to smile at him because he has been saying I look at him like I hate him. And I don't hate him, not at all, I wish I did as it would make it a whole lot easier.

Thank you Smokehouse, for stopping by to help me when you're going through your own pain, I hope that things work out for you and your wife.

I just don't know whether I am keeping him at a bit of a distance because I want to or just because I think I should,

it will only have been 3 weeks since my world fell apart – should I be pretending I don’t want him to be near me if I really do?

Authenticity (and truthfulness) is a hallmark of R. Where are you getting these "should" messages, chick?

Chick, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and it's really, really hard. My biggest struggle right now is that I still love my WH very much, and my feelings for him haven't changed. Even though I feel angry and betrayed, I hate to see him suffer. But at the same time, he brought this on himself and hurt me in the process. It's a very difficult thing to deal with.

ladies_first I don't want to speak for chick but I think she might be referring to some of the advice given around here, especially the whole 180 thing - I've struggled with that too. I'm finding it impossible to act like I'm willing to walk away from the marriage if he doesn't meet my demands, because I'm just NOT. I know I should be, and I have the right to take a hard line, but I can't. I'm trying to act like a full and complete independent person who can take him or leave him depending on his behavior, but he already knows that's not who I am. I feel like I'm in a position of weakness no matter what I do.

Anyway, sorry for the threadjack - things will get better, I'm sure of it!

I agree with embee. Not sure you thread jacked, I found a lot of wisdom in what you said. I think it will be beneficial for chick as well.

I tried the 180, and while it is beneficial to a lot of people here, it made me more miserable. I too wanted my wife, didn't want a divorce at all. I worked on myself, the problems I had towards our marriage, and our relationship. I was honest with my feelings, but, I quit persecuting her on a daily basis. She was sorry, remorseful, but me beating her up daily was killing her and me.

I forgive her, but will never forget, ever! It was time to move forward. She has been a totally different woman since. So sorry, so remorseful, so loving with me. I love the person she is becoming, and the person I am becoming.

It is hard to move forward and trust somebody again that hurt you so deeply. My wife felt foreign to me for a while. I didn't recognize her. It comes back, and I now have hope for our R.

Good luck to everybody and hope and pray for your healing.

Being so early out, you are not supposed to be feeling right. Your life as you know it has been ripped wide open. You both need help and guidance. Its going to be a long time before you both feel normal, or should I say a new normal with each other.

Authenticity (and truthfulness) is a hallmark of R. Where are you getting these "should" messages, chick?

ladies_first I don't want to speak for chick but I think she might be referring to some of the advice given around here, especially the whole 180 thing - I've struggled with that too. I'm finding it impossible to act like I'm willing to walk away from the marriage if he doesn't meet my demands, because I'm just NOT. I know I should be, and I have the right to take a hard line, but I can't. I'm trying to act like a full and complete independent person who can take him or leave him depending on his behavior, but he already knows that's not who I am. I feel like I'm in a position of weakness no matter what I do.

This is exactly right, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I had decided even before he had finished telling me what had happened that this wasn’t going to be the end of us. I didn’t tell him that for a couple of days but I knew that as long as he did everything right from then onwards that we would work it out. However I have told him that no way in a million years would I ever, ever accept this again. And I mean it. It terrifies me that we are onto our ‘last chance’ but I mean it. Absolutely no disrespect to those who reconcile after more than one occasion, and maybe I would see it differently if it did happen again, but I just feel that everything he is saying to me right now would turn out to be a lie if it happened again.

I first went onto a different forum and got a huge amount of stick for ‘rugsweeping’ because I wasn’t dragging him for a lie detector, calling his mum, telling everyone we know etc. and was told that this would mean that he would 100% do it again. And as much as I didn’t want to do all of these things and didn’t feel that they were right for our situation, I did come away with a feeling of being a pushover and letting him off far too easy. I don’t feel that I did, he has cried buckets as he has realised just how much he has hurt me, he is clearly disgusted with himself. In terms of the 180, I have done it to a certain extent – I have never shouted or screamed, I have been upset in front of him but have not been clingy or made out that I need him around. But I can’t pretend that I am going to walk away, I can’t pretend that I don’t want to try. I can’t even pretend that I don’t care how he is feeling –yes he has done this but for us to be a happy couple again we both have to be happy as individuals and that means that he has to be able to eventually rid himself of his guilt and shame.

Every situation is different but yes I do sometimes feel that there are ways I ‘should’ be acting according to advice given. This forum is a lot more empathetic and I find there to be a lot more like minded people who don’t see things so black and white though, so I don’t feel as stupid, I didn’t feel that I could post anymore on the other one. There is a lot of advice saying that I should do whatever feels right and that is great but then I swing between thinking it is OK and thinking I am letting him off the hook.

We had a first MC session 9 days ago and our next is in another 9 days so I am sure that will help with working through these feelings. The first session was kind of a surprise as we only discussed our situation for 10 mins and the rest of the session was discussing our relationship as a whole and we even ended up coming away with a book on how to improve our sex life (not my main priority at the moment)……however it was the ‘assessment’ session so she was just trying to get a big picture of what she is working with. I initially thought it was great as we were going to be working on our relationship as a whole instead of just this one thing but now I am feeling like we need to be spending more time discussing feelings around what has happened and how we move on. So I will see which direction the next session goes in and will tell her my concerns. We both really liked her and felt comfortable with her so that is good – and she does specialise in infidelity so hopefully she will be able to help.

I think you and your husband are going to be okay with that attitude. What works for some, or even most, may not work for you. Like I said, the 180 made me miserable. It did give me a perspective of working on myself. That was very beneficial.

I am feeling my way through it just like you. Find what works best for you and your husband. I still have demands, no contact, passwords, phone access, email...etc

I still have the feeling of letting my wife off easy. I get angry and could easily revert back to why did you do this, how could you? Counter-productive I believe. Still don't trust her completely yet, and she knows it will be a while.

The reason I chose this path was, I don't want her to feel sorry for me and stay with me, I want her to want me, want us. Your husband sounds like he wants you, wants your marriage. For just weeks out, you are doing very well!

Thank you this really means a lot.

I agree about the 180 – at first I felt like I wanted to freeze him out and kind of enjoyed that it was upsetting him as I was glad that it was hurting him. But after a few days I started to realise that I was only still doing it to hurt him and not because I wanted it. By this point I wanted a bit of love and comfort – and I was also starting to wonder how we would ever start to enjoy each other’s company again if I was going to put up such a barrier when it wasn’t coming naturally to me anymore. He wouldn’t dare speak to me as thought that I didn’t want to be spoken to and I was dreading being at home and was feeling so lonely. It sounds like I was very much the same as you in this respect, it was making me miserable.

I want to get to a point where it never gets mentioned again – that point is not in the near future but I do not want it to be hanging over us forever and however bad what he has done is, he is a good person who made a stupid decision and he doesn’t deserve to feel guilty for the rest of his life.

I also agree with what you say about you wanting your wife to want you and your marriage – I said to my husband that if he was looking for a way out then he has it and it is his chance to say so – I was worried at first that he had subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) done this to end things between us. I didn’t want him to stay out of guilt. But he isn’t, I can see it all over his face and in his actions and words that he will do whatever it takes so I do know that he wants to fix our marriage.

It was a one night stand and he says they did not swap details so he has no means of contacting her so I don’t need to be concerned about no contact. I already know his passwords as he has always used the same simple ones – I have never needed to check them but have told him that I will from time to time and I logged in in front of him to show that I know his passwords, however I have no reason to believe that he is, or ever has been, doing anything dishonest from his email or other accounts.

Thanks again Smokehouse, let’s hope our tactics work for us both.

Chick it sounds like you have one of the good ones. I am also having a hard time with some of the advice on here. I do love the site and there are some really wonderful messages. There is some negativity also. I just had someone keep insisting that I could never know for sure that my WH A was just a ONS. I do know that through phone records, him telling me, and her telling me. I think you have to take the bits and pieces that work for you and shelf the rest.

There is a LOT of negative energy in some threads. Part of the reason WH and I are in the situation we are right now is because of bitterness and negativity. I do not need more of that in my life right now. I've got enough on my plate. I also tried the 180. Made me feel better at the beginning, but now I just think, "Is that really who I want to be?" I'm sure for some situations it is good advice, but everyone is different and what works for some does not for others. We are working at getting along better just for the basic principle of things.

I was honest with WH and told him I do not know where we will wind up in the future. I need time to figure that out, and I have work to do on me first. This has for sure been a wakeup call for me as to who I was becomming as a person. Do not like who I was, don't want to be that person again. It feels like I lost myself somewhere along the way, and I'm having fun getting to know me again. I have been really just happy, and he got mad because he said he thought I was happy because I was divorcing him. Told him that wasn't it, and I didn't think it was fair to be accused of things he made up in his head about my feelings. He agreed, and he was able to open up a little and talk about what happened.

If R is to work for me, it can't be by someone else's rules. Has to be what works for WH and me. No one else can really tell you how to feel or how to handle your own situation. I wish you the best of luck and prayers and hope we can all heal, even the WH/WW who are obviously not very happy with themselves either. I don't think I would want to be raked over the coals every minute and have things thrown at me whenever he felt like it if the situation was reversed. That's what got us here in the first place. Not my fault, but we both contributed to the badness in our M.

Three and six weeks is not even scratching the surface of time needed to understand what happened and deal with it. The general expert consensus is 2 to 5 years. It’s too bad that you all seem to feel bullied online. I’m sure anyone discussing your situation has been through quite a bit and has your best interest in mind, as you are searching for answers or you wouldn’t be here at all, right?

I think it’s great that you all want things to work out with your spouses. I’d also think it’s great if you were divorcing. What’s great is that you are moving forward as you want, and not as others are telling you. Healing and reconciliation do need to be on your terms.

You’ll find lots of opinions about your actions, particularly deciding in 5 seconds that there is no way you’re leaving your spouse. Do you need to keep that in your back pocket and flash it if something doesn’t go right? Nope, but it reads that you're willing to allow your WS to do anything. I'm sure that isn't the case, I know. I'm just saying that this is how it reads.

I hope you find what you need here. I wouldn’t be too hard on the longtime posters. They’ve been through a lot, and they’ve seen a lot, and they have a lot of wisdom to offer if you’re willing to listen.

Good luck on your road to recovery, and I truly hope that everyone has the ending they’re hoping for.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 12:13 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

There is a positive way to word things and a negative way to word things. I think we have all had enough negative to last a lifetime. I am working on me being postive, not the downer I used to be. I think we are just saying that we appreciate the advice, but prefer the cold hearted negativity to be rephrased in a constructive manner. We are so new into this that a lot of postive helps us move . on from the negative. Angelsky I do agree with you 100% not every thing works for everybody. I sure wouldn't want my spouse throwing my bad choices in my face every day. If you can openly discuss the A and you feel you get the answers you need, I say you are on your way to a better you and M.

The 180 is more for the BS who has an UNremorseful WS. It isn't about punishing the WS or trying to make them come running back to the BS. It's about taking control of your life,and trying to detach from a WS who is doing nothing to heal themselves,the marriage,or the BS. It's for the BS who has a WS who wants them to just get over it,rugsweep,or is still in contact with their AP.

It's about focusing on YOU. Not the WS. Not what they did. It's about self-care.

So..if you are trying to R,and you have a remorseful WS who is trying and willing...the 180 is NOT for you.

R is a long,hard,painful road. It's about feeling your feelings and getting through them together. It's not always pretty..and sometimes the BS feels bitter and angry..and that is normal.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him everything. Don't shield him. It is unhealthy for you,him,and the marriage.

You will feel better...it takes time..and a lot of work. Im over 3 years out..very happy..and have only cried/triggered once in the last month. Progress!

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:01 PM, October 28th (Monday)]