SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's it in a nutshell to both of you who responded to my post. For me, though, it's not about what I am or am not willing to allow my spouse to do. It's about the person I want to be. I am R for myself and my civil relationship with WH because I was bitter and angry and hostile for years, and it didn't get me or my family anywhere good. I am not blaming myself for his choices regarding the A, just that I was not the best wife/mother/person I could have been, and I am using this as a spring board to get my life back on track.

I dont' feel bullied at all. I just do not want to allow myself to have this make me any more bitter than I already have been in the past. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. It feels like it right now, but I don't want this to consume me.

I know I have a long way to go, and I appreciate all the input, seriously! I just can't make a decision in 3 weeks about the rest of my life and my children's life. I want to give myself time to heal, and the help all of you give is invaluable! Thank you!! We newbies are all raw right now and more sensitive to the entire world, I guess, also.

I so appreciate that others have pointed out the negativity on this board. When I first posted my story in Just Found Out, some of the cynical comments made me sick. I know that everything was still very raw and I was already an emotional wreck so I was very sensitive. But the comments about never knowing that my WH's incident was really only a one time thing, or that he may not have stopped just mind-fucked me. Sorry, no better way of putting it. I was fragile and desperately searching for some kind of support and I felt stupid for even posting. I did not come back for over a month because of those posts. I felt like my pain was belittled because my husband "only" had a one night stand. Like my pain didn't matter as much. I was suicidal when I found this site and was looking for support anywhere I could get it. I know that it could have been much worse. I can't imagine how I would feel if he had an affair or multiple indiscretions, but the fact that he did not doesn't make my pain any less important.

After healing a bit, realizing that I DO and DID know in my heart that this was the first and only incident of infidelity, I came back and was able to see that there were also some very kind, thoughtful, and helpful messages mixed with the snarky ones on my initial post and that encouraged me to keep posting.

Overall, I think the people on this site are a tremendous help for each other and I'm very thankful to be able to read other's experiences. I love seeing the positive stories and successes, it gives me hope that my WH and I really can make it through this. I wish you all peace and comfort.

I had one tell me in a private message about 3 weeks in to run like hell, basically. Others got me through with sound advice. Helped me discover the affair continued for almost another month. Also helped me in getting the complete truth out of my wife.

From what I have read a lot of the W's acted exactly like my WW, so I knew it was a matter of time after the A shut down that I would start to see glimpses of the woman I loved so much and that loved me as much at one time.

With each passing day I see more and more of her return, and the sadness in her face is heartbreaking.

I agree with angelsky, I was in a bad place in our marriage. Hard to get along with, cranky, living independent from my WW, not showing her any care. I am not responsible for the affair, but I am responsible for making her miserable. She should have suggested marriage counseling instead of the affair, anything but that. I didn't have the affair and I was in the same marriage. But, I do want to heal and keep my marriage. I will do everything in my power to make it happen. If it doesn't work, then I leave.

I guess now it has been thread jacked! To all BS's, go slow and find your way through for what you want. Listen to the advice and apply it to your situation if it fits.

I am no expert, only 3 month post, but reading, posting, reading, posting has made me wise to the worst thing that has ever happened to me!

Good for all of you! You take what you need and ignore the rest. I believe this is how you really heal over time. I also don't believe there is anything wrong with admitting that we contributed to the bad state of our marriage. I am right there with several of you! I like you do not blame me for any part of the A. At the same time, I wish I could have been a better person that my WH actually could have talked to before the A happened. I was not. I was mean, negative, and basically had no time for him. I hope we all find the happy ending we are looking for whatever that maybe.