SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your wife had three Affairs and you are still consoling her. Dont you think its too much?

Stop man, stop being nice to her, Its time for some tough love.

Stop following her and asking for her plans. Stop chasing her around in the ope f getting some response from her.

She needs these A to be rug swept and she is playing some pity party for that and you are simply falling for this.

We know you want to R, Repair is done with truly remorseful WSs who is on the knees begging for it, not with a manipulative and remorseless WS.

Do the hard 180, see a lawyer and inform her. Let she see you are not clunchy and had options and can move on with life with or without her.

Hit the gym and enjoy your life with your daughter and be cheerful and positive.

Also its time for you to read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Its a must read for all the BS who wish for R.

I heard a lot of the same for a couple months. WS still has trouble with remorse/empathy/introspection.

My wife was lonely AND her need for external validation was so great that she was willing to throw away our marriage to get it.

Did I tell her everyday how beautiful she was. Yes I did. I did everything a caring husband should do.

But... because it came from me it didn't count. In her mind I had to do that because I was her husband.

This was exactly what I experienced. I told her everyday that I loved her. But it didn't count. She said..."Don't you see how bad things were around here?" I was dumbfounded because I honestly didn't. She never said anything. And I was doing everything we agreed upon. Even two years later it still bewilders me. But it's all about blameshifting. And she did such a good job I was borderline suicidal. I accepted that everything was MY fault. It took me an IC, a psychiatrist and everyone here on SI to make me understand she was the broken one who would throw away everything for some external validation. How sad. Just plain sad.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:46 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

I love my WS. She made some devastatingly selfish choices that have caused an avalanche of pain, confusion, and suffering to several families. The things she did have the potential to effect further generations of people on this earth past our own lifetimes. Innocent children may suffer from broken homes and any number of possible issues that can come along from that type of unfortunate upbringing in the wake of her choice to have affairs with other married men. Our own daughter has already shown reactions to the turmoil occurring in her home, and I still love my WS with all my heart.

I was reading “Before You Say Reconcile...” on this forum earlier and used the section on indicators of remorse as a checklist:

INDICATORS OF REMORSE

* Actions match words.

(She consistently said one thing and did another)

* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.

(The name of this thread is “She’s Blaming Me…” because she did)

* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.

(I suppose she did show honest sorrow for hurting me, though at first in my rage it just seemed like she was sorry she got caught)

* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.

(A few times, other times she just got angry)

* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.

(“shut down” that describes my WS perfectly)

* Answers questions honestly and completely.

(She lied and hid details for as long as she possibly could, and could easily still be hiding more)

* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”

(She would make plans and see my excitement about spending time together for R and then allow the plans to fall through)

* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.

(At the most I’d say she was at 40%, she did keep NC and was open to transparency)

* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.

(She does go to IC but the first time she shared insights with me is when she started blaming my role in the bad marriage as the reason for her affairs)

* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.

(She actually did consider how her actions would impact me, knew it would be negative, and did it anyway)

I still love my WS just the way she is. I cannot and will not R with her the way she is. She says she is willing to do anything to make this work. I thought about that for a long while and came up with a list of the things that she would have to change to make me truly want to save our marriage. I have not told her all these things because I realized that it’s just too much. I shouldn’t have to tell her what to change and I don’t think she would really want to make the changes anyway since some of the ones I did tell her about she has still not done. I also don’t feel like I have the right to MAKE her do things differently. She needs to WANT to do them on her own and I truly hope one day she does, if not for me then just for herself. For now I’m sticking on the 180 and preparing myself for life without her, but I still love her so much.

HatingThis,

I'm glad you've come back with an update. I'm so sorry your wife is still behaving in such negative ways. I'm so sorry that your D has shown some of the effects of this.

We all loved our spouses after DDay. If we didn't this would all be so much easier, wouldn't it? This site would have one forum - Divorce/Separation. Case closed. That's not how it works because it's not that simple.

Stay strong for you and your D. You have your boundaries now, so just stick to them. You have to live the life you want, not the one she wants you to have, one that is based on lies and deceit.

Keep up with the 180. Just keep pushing towards the future.

Hating This

Loving her is ok but do it from a distance.

Not only does your wife need external validation but she is very selfish.

You cannot fix her.

She needs to do the hard work.

Work on you. Support your kid during this time.

And keep letting your wife feel the consequences of her actions.

Only she can make herself happy.

HM

My last post was not really an honest update. It was more or less just some venting and the truth is I was really ashamed to post what has really been going on. My 180 has completely broken down. I was doing very well with it for quite a while. When she came back to the house I did make very strong boundaries and I stuck to them. We did not talk about R only about D. I even politely asked her what I could do to help her find an apartment and get moved out ASAP. I think I naively believed that I was doing ok with moving on without her. Then she sent me this email:

I don’t want to leave you and our daughter. I don’t want to move out and have to split our time with her. I have been so depressed and I want to so badly lay with you and hold you and tell you how much I love you. I hate when you leave. I call you sometimes just so I can hear your voice and I badly want to tell you I love you before we get off the phone and don’t. I know you wanted me to show that I care and that I have compassion and I did a really shitty job at it, and now I’m not sure if you still want that or not. Or if you have totally made up your mind as to how you want things to go. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you. I know I ruined this, and I am so sorry for ruining your life, breaking your heart, and breaking apart our family. I am dying inside. I can’t concentrate on anything. I barely eat anything, most of the time I just throw it back up. You and our daughter are my world and I have thrown it all away. I have thought that maybe the two of you would be better off without me all together and that I should go be with my mom, but that would be selfish of me to do something like that. I’m trying so hard to be strong when my whole world is falling to pieces. I will do anything to fix this. I will do whatever you ask me. I just can’t let go but I know that I have to if that is what you want. I can be smarter and make life more interesting for you. I can have intelligent conversations and look into more and learn more. I want to learn more about things that you like. I will do anything. I want you to come home and I want to tell you I love you. I hate us walking around the house and it feeling awkward. I don’t want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. I just want our family. I am truly sorry for all that I have put you through. I miss you and I love you with all of my heart.

At the time I was out hanging out with my friends and having a few beers. When I first saw the email come in I was tempted not to read it. Actually I was kind of pissed off. She finally decides she has something to say but does so through an email? I thought it was a coward’s move. I read the email and put my phone away. Tried to get back into hanging out with my friends and not thinking about it, but I found myself pulling the phone out and re-reading it several times. I ended up sending her a text message that just said I love you. She messaged back saying she loved me too. I got home right when she was leaving for work, so we didn’t say anything else to each other that night. When she got home the next morning she laid in the bed with me and we slowly started getting closer and touching each other more and more. We ended up having sex then I left for work.

That day was miserable. I hated myself for throwing all the 180 work I had done away and also allowed hope to creep back into my head. I’m sure you all know the thoughts well. Maybe she has changed, maybe she understands now, maybe we can still make this work. That day we were pleasant with each other but still somewhat sticking to the boundaries I had put in place. I found myself getting more and more angry that she was able to break my 180 that easily. She still hadn’t done anything. There were no ACTIONS to show me she was ready to R. Just words, and those words only came through an email. My internal rage reached a boiling point and I stormed into the bedroom and told her that morning was amazing, but shouldn’t have happened and that she still needed to find an apartment and move out ASAP.

Everything that has happened since that point has been a huge confusing blur. We both cried, we both said sorry, we had long talks in which she actually seems to be remorseful and take responsibility for EVERYTHING that she has done. There were a few more moments of anger and telling her it just wasn’t going to work, but I can’t stick to that anymore. She has been sweet and loving and has seen some of my triggers and shown compassion and understanding. I’m still confused because I find myself going back to my 180 mindset often. Telling myself I don’t need her and actually looking forward to parts of my life without her. During my time in the 180 I found myself thinking a lot about what I didn’t like about her. I’ve actually started topics in the general forum on this site about some of those things (links below if you interested).

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=512852

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=512937

I really need some advice at this point SI. I wanted R, and now more than ever before it seems possible, but at the same time I was doing well with the 180 and had at least started to accept that she was not going to be a part of my life in that way anymore. Did I make a mistake backsliding on the 180? Do we have hope of honest R now? I feel happy and like a total fool at the same time.

[This message edited by Hatingthis247 at 3:37 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Feeling happy and like a fool huh? Welcome to R.

You need to do what you want, not what anyone here wants. If you really were looking forward to life without her, give it a try. If you were thinking of things you didn't like and coming up with things you were going to enjoy without her to keep the hurt at bay, then give that some thought.

The point here isn't to please a bunch of fellow SI members. If you feel she is ready to be remorseful, go to counseling, be empathetic and put in the hard work for what most likely will be years, and you want to reconcile, then you should give it a try. If you don't think she will do it, and that she is just saying what she needs to say to get you to let her stay, then you may want to hold off a little more. You know your wife - this is truly your call.

We will support you no matter what. Have her leave, you leave, stay together, have her leave but still 'date' to see how it goes, whatever. Whatever you could possibly come up with, some of the members here will have gone that route (some will have gone several routes).

I kicked my H out - that lasted for about 4 or 5 hours. He's been a changed man ever since - that was nearly 3 years ago. People can and do learn very valuable lessons in a very short time. There are others that have been told to leave, and months later still don't 'get it'. Each person is different, and each marriage is different.

So whatever you want to do, we're with you

Listen to her actions, not to her words.

I know what you are going through, the pain, the confusion and maybe anger.

I know you are concerned about your daughter growing up in a broken home. Question for you - what do you want to teach her about relationships? Do you want to teach her that's it's okay for the spouse to cheat? I don't say this to upset you, but just to offer a different perspective. I want to teach my son that a relationship is built on honesty, respect, communication and love. I did not have that with my husband.

I blamed myself for the affair. I took his justifications for having the affair as the truth. The truth is the onus of the affair is on him. He was married before and cheated twice on his second wife. I was his third. He is already engaged to his mistress and will continue to repeat the pattern. He is a narcissist and is incapable of loving anyone. He is damaged and broken.

I dearly love the man I married. I loved him with all my heart, that's what hurts so much. Take good care of yourself, continue with the 180 the best you can.

As a Veteran here, I just want to add my 2 cents. Take it or leave it.

What I see reading this thread from beginning to end just now, is a woman who exhibits many traits of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). She finds fault and blame with the world around her, and really believes that any bad thing that has happened in her life is someone elses fault.

In addition I see little to NO action on her part to right the wrongs other that pretty words.

She has had multiple affairs, and has lied to you over and over and over. She has blamed you over and over and over. And now she is able to back in her warm and comfy home, with her baby girl, and has really NO consequences for her actions. She wants to be able to stay in her home, she doesn't want to share her child, because NPD's never do (if you doubt that take a look at AllAtSea's 40+page thread in JFO, and Abandondads in Divorse and Separation you will see similarities that will give you chills).

I get not wanting to break up a family, I get that it hurts like hell, but I also know from my personal experience, and reading others here that you CANNOT nice her back into a happy healthy marriage. You will end up finding out she has done it again if you do.

You wanna give R a try, you need to figure out what you need for that to happen, and then you need to be prepared to carry out with consequences if she doesn't or if you catch her in one more lie. Please go see a lawyer. Protect yourself and your baby.

((((and strength))))

I agree with what tushnurse said:

You wanna give R a try, you need to figure out what you need for that to happen, and then you need to be prepared to carry out with consequences if she doesn't or if you catch her in one more lie. Please go see a lawyer. Protect yourself and your baby.

Hatingthis,

It is time for you to get out that list of what you require for R. If she is truly remorseful and seeing her actions for what they were, she will welcome the list. If she balks, you will have your cue.

Sorry your W cheated and that you are here. You have found a good place to process your thoughts and feelings, and get different "expert" points of view. Don't beat yourself for breaking your 180 and getting some physical relief. You love her, and of all people, she is the person who can help you in that area. If you decide you cannot R though, then you need to protect yourself from weak moments, stop comforting her, and work on yourself.

Great about the new band! Even if you R, you need to start rebuilding your life, and finding out what makes YOU happy (outside of her.)

Since you are no longer tracking her behavior, if you R, she needs to know if you ever find out about any unfaithful behavior, as defined by the list you will give her, you are done, and there are no more chances, or turning back.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:38 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]