I am going up and down so fast it's getting hard to keep up.
The one thing that I have realized is that h is going up and down at the same pace.
This is as hard on him as it is on me. How do I know this? What made me finally realize this? He started talking about it!
My last post regarding how the truth hurts. His lack of comfort to me. He gave it the next day. I had to wait but it is in there. I guess I have to have some compassion for how difficult this is for him to. Consider how I would feel if in his shoes.
He is struggling with change just as I am. I revert to old ways also. The important thing for me to remember right now is that he keeps coming back, he doesn't just run and keep going, he turns around. Change is a process and it will not happen over night. It is the continual forward motion. It's very hard to remember that when you are reeling in pain.
We had a bit of a funny/sad incident this weekend. I was at work after a night of no sleep, puffy red eyes, exhausted. A contractor came in that I have known for several years. He asked if I was okay. I replied, yes, just one of those days. He left and then returned about a half hour later with flowers. He said I looked sad and wanted to remind me that I was a great person.
I made me a bit uncomfortable, especially in light of my new life. I was pm'ing with another member about this. Joking about thanking h for sending the flowers to make him jealous. I wouldn't do it, it seemed mean, dishonest. She replied that it is fun to fantasize about these things and other things about not feeling like I did something wrong and maybe he is just a nice guy.
I receive replies on my cell phone but my sent messages don't show.
I came home from work exhausted and fell asleep for hours. When I woke up h and I started talking about our conversation from the previous day. Flowers gone from my mind, not one thought about them.
H later was trying to download an app to my phone. He read my emails. The look on his face, I can't describe. Then I remembered. He was calm but I could see the panic. I was able to calm him by opening the full email of the conversation but him seeing just one side gave him the worst ideas.
After he was reassured, after we talked about it for a bit, I asked him how it felt to read that, what were his immediate feelings. He said he felt panic, fear, anger but he controlled it. I then said to him I understand how that feels, that is how I found out about your affair.
I think it really hit home for him. He didn't say much but the look on his face and the groan, the falling of the posture, that said so much. He got a small taste of that shock. I also told him that the difference is that for him it was only moments, I was able to prove to him that it was just a misunderstanding from too little information. It looked bad but was not. He could feel the relief of knowing it was not real. For me that was not the case, for me, after that revelation, it was true and then he left me within the hour.
It was not intentional on my part and I would never inflict that even momentary pain intentionally. I was planning to tell him about the flowers while I was at work and I think with being so tired and then talking to him about "important" things I just forgot, the flowers were just not that meaningful to me.
It did seem to have a good effect though, one I could never have planned, I just could not do that, as much as I wish to sometimes.
Just having that brief experience seems to have had an effect on him.
In MC yesterday, he immediately started the conversation, not like him, I could see the drive in him on the way there.
He spoke of his respect for me for my strength through this. He spoke of his gratitude that I am willing to give him a second chance. He spoke of feeling like he doesn't deserve it and that he can't imagine being able to do the same. He spoke of his difficulty in expressing his feelings and how he is trying to overcome his fears. It was all good.
Today is a hard day for me. It is the anniversary of hurricane Sandy. Today last year, he came over, I thought he was going to stay with me. He didn't. I humiliated myself, pleaded with him to please stop, please see what he was doing, please remember me. He walked out.
One year ago today I received the Verizon bill, I saw the truth. I saw how long, how much time, the hardest part was the when, I saw the when of their conversations texts, I knew each day and time, I knew what we were doing and then when he contacted her. It was excruciating, I guess it was a dday.
I remember when the power went out. I started screaming, gut wrenching, primal screaming. I screamed for weeks after. I lost my voice, could barely speak, I lived to scream, I got through my days at work with the knowledge that as soon as I got home I could scream.
Prior to this day last year, my reaction was almost numb. I was walking around in a fog. Today, last year was the day I believed what my life had become.
Today, this year, now, I was able to tell h that this day is a hard one. He was able to comfort me. We are going to make time tonight to talk about some of the questions that still torment me. Today I saw compassion in his eyes. Maybe, by knowing that tonight, he is making the time, planning on the time, I can live my life today and let it go, put it aside knowing that tonight I can deal with it with him, together.
It is a risk, believing. I am going to take the risk. I am going to trust that he will follow through with his words. Will it be painful? Probably, but the pain is there regardless. Exposing the pain though is the only way to the possibility of healing it.
For today, I am going to try to stay in the moment of where I am. Experience the now, simple as it will be. Just want to clean, take back a bit of control in a concrete way. I don't like living in a mess and that is what my physical surroundings are, that I have control over.
I am going to turn the music up and sing while I clean. I am not screaming this year on this day.
