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I had an appointment with my IC last night. I haven't been to see him in quite a while but decided I really needed to talk a few things out.

I have trouble staying focused and "on task" with things. I have trouble getting motivated to do things and also staying motivated to do things. And this is affecting my work life as well as my home life. Work projects, house projects, paperwork, bills, dating, exercise, etc. It encompasses my entire life.

I know I was a total basket case when I discovered the A and then all the subsequent discoveries were like getting kicked back down every time I thought I could stand up. It was insanely difficult to admit that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, it was surprising to my IC that I found the strength to finally draw a line and file for D. Then the 9-10 months of in-house S before FT FINALLY moved out. Then another 2+ years after that before the D was final. And let's not forget the fun of having to tell DS about his Dad's issues because DS was letting him around DGS.

Through all of that, I've healed. I've grown. I've become a person who is happy being me. Sure, I've struggled and had set backs but I've also had great leaps forward. But through it all - like some low-grade fever that won't go away - has been this nagging issue of sustaining focus and motivation. Sometimes it spikes high - like now, because the skank's ex-bf may call me to testify in their custody case. I feel like that scene in The Godfather 3 where Pacino says, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull. me. back IN!"

I don't want to be involved in any part of their life, but if I get a subpoena there isn't much I can do! And there goes my focus again - it keeps slipping out of my grasp and it is frustrating the hell out of me because I thought it would be better by now.

So, I talked to my IC. His take is that this is part of the long term effects of having been married to a sociopath, plus the A and all that shit. He thinks it's indicative of PTSD and anxiety and possibly some depression. That now that I'm no longer in that survival / fight-or-flight mode I am actually able to tap into the emotional repercussions of long-term abuse.

Well, fuck me. Ain't that a shiny pile of shit to add to the rest. I am so fucking tired of this. I clawed my way out, God damnit! Why am I still being impacted? I was young and stupid and in love and I married him. How long do I have to pay for that? What is the final fucking cost going to be? Whatever it is, I'm just so tired of paying. I've left skin in the game, I've paid my pound of flesh and more, I've lost parts of my soul along the way...I have nothing left to give.

So I lurch forward. Like a fucking zombie. Forward, ever forward. I can't stop. I can't ALLOW myself to stop. Fuck That. I may be stuck for a while carrying this shit like a fucking monkey on my back but I WILL NOT SIT STILL for it. So, I'll take the tests the IC gave me. And we'll discuss managing the issue in whatever means are needed. And I'll keep moving forward.

Even if I'm crawling. I'll keep moving forward.

I totally hear you on this, Need. My depression has similar effects on me. Motivation is my biggest stumbling block.

I'm glad you're working with your IC on this.

Even if I'm crawling. I'll keep moving forward.

^^I LOVE this. It is so very true. Strength and courage isn't about not having obstacles, it is about getting through them. Step by step.

I too get pissed off about the aftermath. The consequences of his choices that my girls and I have to deal with. But I still move forward, even if I am crawling sometimes.

Thank you for that.

((need_hope))

Thanks pass. My IC has been with me from the beginning of this whole journey. He started as our MC for a few sessions after I found out about the A. I know he'll help me through this part too.

Thanks SBB. I'm okay with obstacles - I'm just tired of x being part of them. KWIM?

Like I told my IC last night, it's not the A that is bothering me. Hell, I don't dwell on that unless something is going on that is a direct connection. I don't pine for x in any way.

I'm just tired of dealing with the aftermath. Still.

But my inner strength is one thing I did find through all of this. So, I will keep moving forward - even if I have to crawl. It would be nice to get a break once in a while though.

I'm so sorry you're still hurting so much. I now how hard it is to claw your way back to sanity & civilization after being married long-term to a character disordered person.

When all is said and done I'm going to get some EMDR therapy to help me purge the trauma. I've been doing really well with my IC, but we both feel some EMDR would be a nice add-on. Have you talked about it with your IC?

Thanks Nature Girl. I'm thankful that my son is an adult and I don't have to deal with x much at all. That's really helped. My IC has mention EMDR as one possible option.

Good luck with yours!

That now that I'm no longer in that survival / fight-or-flight mode I am actually able to tap into the emotional repercussions of long-term abuse.

That could be a big part of it, but it also could be that you haven't rebuilt your energy after being in survival/fight-or-flight for so long. My marriage wasn't abusive, but dealing with the infidelity and subsequent divorce battered the hell out of me. Once I came to terms with it all, I felt like I was at the top of the world - very joyful and jubilant. That lasted for over a year, and then reality of life as being divorced hit, and I didn't have the energy to deal with more than the absolute necessary. My batteries were drained, and I couldn't seem to get them charged enough.

That was about 2 years after the divorce. I think it was just my body's way of telling me that it needed a break.

It got better. I still have a lot of catching up to do on projects I ignored last year, but I feel more adjusted to my life now. Sometimes we just need more time than we think we do. It's not about healing emotionally, it's about recovering from the stress of dealing with all the abrupt changes we've gone through.

[This message edited by inconnu at 9:14 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

My batteries were drained, and I couldn't seem to get them charged enough.

Exactly inconnu! I'm just so damn tired. Maybe it is just a physical, mental and emotional rest. Frankly, I'd rather it be that than something I have to medicate myself through forever. I don't mind taking something as a stopgap solution until I get my feet back under me but I'd really rather not have to medicate for the rest of my life just because I married someone like x.