This is going to be raw and emotional, I will use strong language, but this is true and real unlike the relationship that I thought I have had for the better part of my life.
I was originally alerted to my WH's affairs by an anonymous letter sent to my workplace. I confronted WH and he admitted to multiple affairs (4 people, one person a second time around) since 2008. We have been in MC since DDay #1 and things were actually improving. Then, yesterday, I received another anonymous letter (did I mention that this time I also received a carbon copy to my home address as well?)telling me what an idiot I am for staying with him, and that someone hacked his e-mail account (which he has closed and I have tested that myself and I have the password) and this individual says they have 1000 emails tucked away.
This sounded like a veiled threat so we did call the police and a statement has been made. We also told them who we think is doing this (his dumped final affair the neckless wonder on DDay#1, I have a copy of an e-mail she sent 8 days later and hell hath no fury.... I also know her name now and have blocked her wherever possible- who knows, she could be reading this right now...)
Given that this person is too cowardly to actually tell me things to my face; of course there is not much that the police can do. But I felt it was important to at least have a file open in case things escalate. What can I say? This sent me right back to where I was in August with DD1, except this time I cried a lot less; I almost expected this. I confronted WH and he admitted that since our marriage in 2001, he has cheated on me for approximately a 10 year period. One time encounters, other men, an affair that I thought only lasted 2 years that actually went on for 3, etc. Yes, we have both been STD tested and by the grace of god or whatever higher power you believe in we are both clean (I have seen his medical report firsthand). Back to the bomb letter- The letter said "every time you talk about these other women you are a bitch and look like a idiot" (yes, improper grammar, I laughed at this)"Your marriage is a joke and you look like a doormat"."How could you ever let him stick his dick inside you knowing... that's disgusting!" Of course I am stunned beyond belief. Pardon me,I am a bitch for talking about women who willingly participated in affairs with my husband? More like these women that committed adultery are disgusting selfish whores and c***s who got off on thinking that they could get a married man into bed. I don't blame just the women, of course I lay the blame equally on both parties involved; it takes two to tango.
But today I began to think about conversations that WH and I had about 6 years ago. He told me he was contemplating suicide, felt worthless, felt hopeless, listless,etc. I got angry with him and essentially made it about me; I told him if he did that, I would be the one left behind to get all the blame. We never really talked about it, I do regret this now. I also found out that WH is a cutter and doesn't sleep without taking something like gravol to knock him out. He also received a DWI two years ago which was completely out of character for him. I am wondering if this is actually an undiagnosed mental health issue...no I am not looking for an excuse, I am simply investigating every possible angle so that I can understand what the hell happened. This is not the person I have been with since 1998; this is someone else, a miserable,unhappy person who became almost unbearable to be around because of his mood swings and selfish attitude. Any thoughts on my thinking here; maybe manic depression or bipolar?
I guess the long story short is, why did WH TT and think that it was OK to do that? Things are much worse now because any rebuilding we did was based on only half of the truth. This shows me that WH was never fully committed to R, and he continued to lie to cover his own wandering ass. Has anyone been through this or is anyone currently going through this? It's so hard because no one wants to be judged and that includes me but I feel that I am and will be no matter what I do. This is a no win situation that WH put me in. I am so fucking mad.
[This message edited by DollheartDead at 7:49 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]
DDay # 1, Aug 7, 2013
DDay #2, Oct 30, 2013
Married(if you can call it that):12 years in November
Together since 1998, thought I knew him
"You can try to suck me dry, but there's nothing left to suck"
