SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can handle it

I was lucky not to have to face TT but some of the stuff I've heard sickened me. I've had panic attacks. I've shaken and nearly vomited

But in just a few weeks I can just about bear the pain

One day at a time x

(((Olwen)))

I have felt like you have. I experienced TT'ing, witnessed my wife sit in counseling with me, see me in pain like I had never been in before and lie and place her desires above all others by taking her affair to the physical level....I too have almost vomitted, have had to almost with sheer will look at my boots and force my feet to move one step at a time to my work truck to get my butt to work (2 days I simply chose not to go to work and spent vacation days), I still spontaneously cry and have to hide it from our daughters...so I get how you are feeling

I CAN handle this.

You CAN handle this.

Of this I have no doubt. I understand you have some real medical conditions that I don't. I also note that you are fully aware of this and have made choices to deal with and moderate their affects on you.

Now, can your M handle this? That is the question only you can answer....but that doesn't mean you can or should answer it RIGHT NOW! Quite the contrary.....put that task on a back burner. You can address it later. Right now it sounds as if you have the truth. What you have posted seems to be on par with so many post on here.

Not just what your H finally admitted, but your journey to that admission.

Lord knows it is a painful journey....and it is uniquely painful to you....but there is nothing about this that is unique unto itself.

I have read around 20 books on adultery, infidelity, and affairs. Many of these books have case studies sited in them. The real life stories could sooooo be blakesteele's and mrs blakesteele's I would think someone spied on us!

This truth will help you heal.

Take life moment by moment. Digest just the present at times. There will be time to think about your future and contemplate the past....but for today disengage that part if you that was stimulated by your husbands lying and find some peace.

I will pray peace enters your heart now.

Peace be with you Olwen.

I will try - thank you.

It's one of my big problems, and what I will be addressing in therapy, that I feel the need to fix things so I can cope with them.

This may be boring or irrelevant but I have never learned to soothe myself. it might explain a bit to some of you of why I wanted to believe H's original story even though I knew I needed the truth.

Potted history for clarity. For me as much as anyone reading.

1) Dad had brain damage from a motorbike accident. Frontal lobe so he was violent and couldn't control his moods. Also alcoholic. Died earlier this year.

2)understandably depressed mum.

3) I was an adult from age 9. My parents needed me to look after them. I did everything.

4)age 9 almost fatal complications from appendectomy. Lost part of my intestines and was a whisker away from a colostomy bag. Thank god I healed enough not to need it. A year in and out of hospital. NO longer fitted in at school after.

5)age 10 sister was born. I raised her.

6)first depression. Stopped eating for 3 weeks. Not quite anorexia but a desire for control.

7)Chronic fatigue syndrome, around 13ish. 3 months in bed saving paracetamol in my pillow case every time I was given it. Planned suicide attempt never happened.

8)Better and back to school. Was sexually assaulted by two boys. One held me down the other ripped my skirt and touched me.The lining of my skirt was ripped so badly I had to rip it out to walk home.

9) met first boyfriend at 15, violent abusive and did things to me I can't say.

10)left home at 16

11)parents dragged me back as they couldn't cope without me.

12)met h at 17, he rescued me and adored me. Very happy few years.

13)got married at 21 and started trying for a baby

14)next 5 years tests, treatments and two rounds of ivf which failed. Depression back with a vengeance.

15)found out I have hormone problem. Got pregnant Sadly we had a horrific birth. 59hr labour without pain relief. Hospital kept telling me to stay at home. He nearly died. He was tangled up with his cord around him 3 times. The placenta started detaching as he tried to descend. Lots of things were done to me because it was an emergency and I reacted badly to the pain relief when I got it and panicked. I felt I was being raped in a way. Emergency c section and he needed attention. Didn't get to even see him before they had worked on him so he was already bundled up when I got him. For some reason, probably exhaustion I found it hard to believe he was my son. I felt I had failed needing a section and when breast feeding failed too I was miserable. I was too exhausted and depressed, then hypomanic trying to 'fix' everything that I cracked and couldn't enjoy him properly.

16) got severe pnd (possibly bipolar episode) ended up in a psych unit after planning suicide, but I asked for help that time and got locked up.

17)have struggled ever since

18)2011 H told an ex on face book he wished he

could be with her - put, if only I could mmmmmmmm - devastated but he refused to accept it was more than flirting so never face up to his lack of boundaries. I forgave him as a one time slip.

19) all that's happened this year. affair, serious suicide attempt, losing my dad, skin cancer (find out next week if they got it all)

So as you can see my life, as most peoples, has been very difficult. I am no different everyone has their challenges to face, I just don't handle them as well as some other people.

I never got chance to be a child. I didn't learn to interact with people or play. Most importantly I never learned to deal with my emotions.

If a problem came up I went all out to fix it. I can't just feel things cos I don't have the skills to calm myself down- I think it's called self soothing, I have to fix problems and make everything better asap. If I didn't keep things calm at home all hell broke loose.

Please don't think I am self pitying. I am not. I have never given in and stayed in bed, apart from when I was a kid. I look after my son, my home and my dog (H too). I worked for 13 years in my last job and many jobs before that. I fight, fight some more and keep fighting. But it does get me down.

I just don't do well when a situation arises that hurts so badly an I can't fix it I have never learned to 'sit' with an emotion. Everyone is telling me to just focus on me but I am fighting against my nature and it's so hard.

Please don't think I am giving into this. I am up, showered and dressed and have eaten for the first time in 3 days. Dishwasher on and washing machine.

I am fighting.

I have spoken to H just to clarify a few things and in a way I am proud of him for sticking to what he said yesterday even though it hurts. I feel I have the truth now. He wasn't lusting after her and planning it else he would have got a hotel. He wanted her for the attention but when he got himself into the situation he was tempted and curious, flattered and confused. He chose to take what she offered cos she was good enough and it was an opportunity he told himself he had no choice but to take. He knows he did have a choice and made the wrong one. The temptation was just too much and made worse by their EA, they had got too close. HE says he refused to let himself feel guilty cos then he would have to face what he had done so he gave himself a million excuses and shut his guilt away until the back seat which once he started was a boundary he couldn't ignore.

He is really struggling with facing what he has done. I don't think he will pass his exam on Friday. His mind is on what he has done. Last night we both broke down and he asked if he could hold me. I let him. I needed the comfort. This morning we snuggled in bed. I actually asked him for a cuddle which shocked me and him. I came downstairs this morning to find a note on our noticeboard saying 'you are perfect in every way and I love you' obviously an exaggeration and him trying to make me feel better but nice after all the self hating I did yesterday.

I can't imagine ever being able to kiss him or have sex right now. cuddling is ok cos he never did that with her. They weren't close in an affectionate way. it was attention and sex, not a real bond. It was all based on lies and manipulation on both their parts.

I am half devastated and half relieved to have the truth.

[This message edited by olwen at 7:11 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

I guess I really saw him as my KISA. He took me away from a horrible home life and we built our own happy life together.

It was hard for me to trust him sexually after my abuse. But it came quite quickly he was so clearly in love with me and so gentle and caring.

It wasn't so much that act itself. I enjoy that. It's the feeling of vulnerability. If we rowed I could not bear to have sex. If we had sex and then rowed I would feel dirty and like he has used me. I have to feel liked, loved and safe to have sex.

After having so much done 'to' me it's hard for me to allow myself to be vulnerable sexually.

How the heck am I going to manage after this sexual betrayal, I pray I will be able to in time.

[This message edited by olwen at 7:12 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

You are a fighter...no doubt you have fought some battles.

Maybe you can just float for a bit? It was hard hard hard for me to disengage...but I am learning how to do that.

I wish I could do more for you. I have a KISA complex too....think most men do, or maybe not. I am seeing KISA in a much different light now...not nearly as romantic as I once believed it to be. I think that is because I did a lot of "knight-like" things within our M...but with wrong motives behind them....so it doesnt feel as good now.

Interesting how many of us, BS and WS alike, have trauma dating back to the 9-16 year age range. My Dad vanished after my parents D when I was 12....wasnt till I graduated college that I saw him again. I flew out with my then girlfriend now wife to see him. His first question to me was "What do you want from me?"

It wasnt till my wifes A that I really started to get and understand MYSELF.

I dont PM female SI members...so I cant offer that support. I would encourage you to post often...lots of really good wisdom from folks on here...many are keyed into this post.

I am hopeful now that the truth is out there that your husbands heart will open up and he will find the strength to be a part of your healing. My wife became a part of my healing after she did a full confession.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Thank you so much for that Blakesteele.

I am a bit worried I am kinda taking over the forum with all my posting but it really does help.Thank you for letting me know I can continue.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad it must have been incredibly difficult. There really does seem to be a lot of correlations between us all.

I am so grateful to everyone here, I have had some tremendous support when I need it most. I would not have the truth without everyone's gentle nudging and truths.

I would have been lost and I appreciate everyone's help more than I can say. It is so cruel that every lovely person on here has been hurt so badly. I wish I could take everyone's pain away as well as my own.

I am really trying to just 'be' today. I am plodding around the house doing my jobs and mulling things over but from a more distant place.

I have even managed to tell H that one part of his story doesn't quite fit with me (that he didn't get an erection without helping himself along) but I don't need to hear that from him as some things I believe he will disagree with. Maybe he just can't admit that part to himself and I don't think I need to pull every fact out of him. I believe at the moment of temptation he was bound to have reacted bodily to it. Maybe not fully but a bit. He probably did lose it and have to recover it later.

I am ok with that if he doesn't want to face that. Maybe he didn't but I doubt it. The rest I believe and it's quite freeing to have a story in my head that adds up.