SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As the computer in the movie War Games said, “Strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

Years ago I was involved in a relationship with a guy who sounds a lot like the one you describe. “When he was good he was very, very good, and when he was bad he was horrid.” When things were good he lavished me with attention, we spent lots of time together, the sex was great, we talked of marriage, and so on. BUT---he sniffed paint, he lied, he started smacking me around, he was fooling around with other women AND men, he was paranoid, he became violent with others, stole money from me, friends, his work. You get the picture.

Basically, he was nuts. He wanted me to quit college so I could “help him get his shit together” and when I didn't he said I was spoiled and selfish for not taking care of him. He said he couldn't live without me, blah, blah, blah, and he attempted suicide. I finally had to say no, I've had enough. No, don't call me. No, I won't see you, leave me alone, it's OVER.

I know it may be difficult, but block him, don't answer his calls, don't answer his texts, don't even read them! DO NOT play the game. He is not the nice, sweet, loving person you hope he will be. It's not like he has an emotional flu and will be back to his old self in a week or two. He IS a shallow, manipulative person who only shows you “love” because it gets the response from you he wants.

I stayed in a few relationships longer than I should because I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was being used and taken advantage of. It was embarrassing and humiliating to admit to that and very difficult to accept that I had been wrong in my choices.

Love yourself. You WILL survive this and you will thrive without him.

I am VERY hesitant to say someone is NPD. It gets tossed around too much and it’s used as an excuse for every cheater just because the did some selfish things.

I think this guy has narcissistic personality disorder. If he does, you cannot and will not win. The ONLY victory over these people is to cut them off, and even then you won’t feel like you ‘won’ because you didn’t get your apology.

He is excellent at twisting things. He is cruel and mocks you. He seems to have no feelings whatsoever, and will tell even the stupidest of lies because he knows he has you half thinking you are crazy already.

Please, do some reading on npd. Or, go to the “I can relate” forum here and read some of those stories.

If this is what he is, it isn’t good, and it isn’t curable. You will want it to be, but it isn’t. You will think he doesn’t have it that bad. He does. You cannot make these people care, and they lack any empathy, so hurting you means nothing because he simply cannot feel your pain.

I’m sorry he is being so cruel, and that is what he is being. He is turning you into a joke so that he won’t have to ‘feel’ you seeing the real him, the liar, the con man, the cheater. He can make you a joke so you don’t matter, so who cares if you don’t want him. He doesn’t want you either. He won’t be hurt. He can’t let himself be hurt.

Let me ask you – how is his anger? Can he keep it in check, or does he explode almost without warning over things that seem to make no sense?

Amber, it's completely understandable that YOU want this guy to behave in a loving way toward you. We all want a partner like that. You want him to be kind, you want him to be faithful, you want him to love you. And that's ok to want those things.

BUT, you have to realize that you're not going to get those things with him because he is not capable of giving you what you want. He keeps you in distress, heartache, and anguish. And that's not love.

He acts like he does and says the things that he does *because he wants to*. It has nothing to do with you, it is a deeply rooted problem within himself. And until HE addresses those issues (if he ever does) he will continue to be this same disturbing person. As much as it hurts when you realize he is not this guy that you want him to be, then you can detach and move on.

NC = no contact. If you avoid any contact with him, then he cannot hurt you further. Like Gonnabe said, 'go dark on him'. That is what you have to do to save yourself from further heartache.

((((Ambermoon)))) I know this is so hard to do. Be strong.

Oh sweetie....please don't give this man the time of day. You deserve SO much better and more than this! This man is not normal. There truly are some decent men out there and you deserve to be treated well by one of them, just not this one. Don't respond to his calls/texts, etc. Be safe...for you. I agree with allusions. DON'T PLAY THE GAME.

But I just can't seem to let this go. Not him but the way he is treating me.

I want to get him to talk to me and treat me as a normal person who he has hurt and this is keeping me hooked.... I want this so badly from him that I feel like talking to him until I get this apology.

He is not going to treat you like a normal person because HE is not normal, and he is likely to be incapable of treating you in the way you deserve.

You feel like talking to him until you get an apology?

That probably won't happen, and if it does, it will be a LIE. I am so sad for your hurt.

Some of your words tell me that somehow, you may have had an unhealthy need to be needed by this guy, to the point that it is harmful to you but you value the *payoff* of having him need you, or respect you enough to apologize to you. That isn't healthy.

If you continue to communicate with him, and really, you should NOT, then you have to step it up and mean what you say, and say what you mean.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:12 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I agree with the other posters,please block him and change your locks. If he was living there he probably has keys and even if he gave you a key back he could easily have made copies. Please protect yourself and change your locks. If he keeps on trying to make contact file a report with the police and look into a restraining order. Sounds harsh but he sounds unbalanced and sick people aren't known to act rationally.

Also, you need to make an appointment to be checked for STDs if you think he was sleeping around. Another appointment with a counselor would be good as well. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for all of your replies. I have taken away something from each and every one of them. I need all of you more than you will ever know. I need to hear that he is toxic. I need to hear that he is being cruel. I need to hear that something is very wrong with him. I know this is true but for some reason, I "forget" or think I can fix him or help him or that I am being unreasonable. I often feel that I am overreacting. I don't trust my own judgement or feelings right now so I need to rely on you for my voice of reason right now. I need your strength.

Even with everything last night, I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is and doesn't know how to express himself and he must be hurting so I already have forgiven him and feel like I want to make it better for him. WHY?

I keep wanting to believe that he is someone who he clearly isn't. I remember the love and kindness part of him and I am then blinded to the cruel side of him. Although he isn't cruel. he has never put me down or said hurtful things to me - he just detaches. I guess even though he has never put me down or said anything bad to me - it is cruel when he talks about wanting a whore or when he talks about how hot the bartenders ass is or the girl in front of us in line at the grocery store. He would go on and on about her hot ass. It became so regular that I didn't even flinch. i would just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up and he would laugh. I guess that is cruel but that was just how he was so it became a non issue. I always thought he would say it to get me going - I don't know? It got old but after a while, it didn't bother me.

I do at times feel like I will be okay and that I can stay away from him but then it dissolves when I get a text from him asking me to bring a heating pad to him or some other stupid text message that totally disregards that he has hurt me. it is like we aren't even living the same life when he does this. I caught him cheating and he is acting like nothing happened. It is such a mind fuck?

I don't know why I am surprised. He has done this to me every time. He has never once acknowledged me or my feelings when he hurts me.

I do think he has something mentally wrong. I have always kind of thought that but for some reason, I overlooked it.

Someone asked about his anger. He has NEVER raised his voice to me EVER. He has NEVER shown anger to me EVER. I know this is abnormal. I could be screaming and yelling and he is completely calm and detached. Just says calmly with no emotion - I did not lie to you. I did not cheat on you and then he simply walks away and then texts me as nothing has happened. If I don't let it go then he will disappear until I am willing to forget it. I could be crying my eyes out and he once again, NO EMOTION. Just says that he has never hurt me and never would. It makes me feel crazy. I have literally caught him in the act and there is NO disputing that he has lied and he can SWEAR to me that it isn't true. And then I even begin to doubt what I know is truth. If I continue to cry or act mad at him, he simply leaves. He will NOT tolerate me acting in any way but happy and loving towards him. but never with anger. he will just walk away and text me like nothing has occurred.

I did treat him like he was GOD. I cooked a homemade meal every night for him after working 10 hours at my own job and took it to him at work every night at 9pm. I then waited up for him so we could spend time together when he got home from work at midnight and I had to get up at 6am. I washed his clothes. I waited on him hand and foot. I did anything he wanted to do sexually and socially. If he wanted to stay home, we would. If he wanted to party till 3am and I had to work, I would do that to. Whatever he wanted he got. I never saw my friends and did ANYTHING without him. He never told me I couldn't. He would encourage me to go out but I never did. But he would say over and over how he was cheated on before and would die if I ever cheated and that he needed a good girl. I guess I wanted to be a "good girl" for him so I never gave him reason to worry if I was cheating so I rarely left the house when he wasn't home. Unless I was grocery shopping or doing laundry. But if I did, he would say great baby, have fun. He would text me and ask if I was having fun. Or what we all did but he never made me feel like he didn't approve. We spent all of our time together. We very RARELY spent any time apart other than when we both worked. If he was with his friends, he would want me with him. We did EVERYTHING together. He would even want me to go hunting with him. So I was lavished with his attention for weeks or months and then that day would always come. It would all just stop. No text messages. No calls and he would disappear for a day/night. And then we would resume as nothing happened. And I always knew it was coming. He usually texts me every hour all day saying he was thinking about me. Or that he couldn't wait to get home and cuddle with me. Or that he just wanted to be with me. And then it would just stop. No word from him other than I have to work late. I will see you later. that was so HARD to deal with. And I DREADED when I saw the signs that he was disappearing. It hurt me so much and I used to break up with him over it when we first started dating but now I would just accept it. But early in the relationship he would just not show up and not call for 4 days and for the past 8 months he has at least said I have to work late and prepped me for his disappearing act. I thought this was a big improvement and that at least he warned me when he would disappear.

Back to the anger. While I have never seen him angry at me. He has been arrested many times for fighting. I have seen him pick fights with other men at the bar when he is drunk. He will buy the whole bar drinks all night and loves everyone to fawn over him. but then if someone he was buying drinks for plays music that he doesn't like - he will tell them they cannot play that kind of music cause it sucks and if they don't listen to him, he will literally start degrading them and get up in their face and LAUGH and threaten them. I usually can get him out of the bar before a fight breaks out but I know he has been in some really bad fights where he has seriously injured people. He will rant and rave for hours when we get home about how he wants to kill this guy. And then he will move on to how much he loves and adores me. He will say that even though he may not say he loves me often (he has NEVER said he loves me when he is sober) that he does and that I am the person he has waited for forever. He says if I hurt him that he would GO CRAZY - not sure what he would do. He will often pull me to the floor like he is playing and say do you know how much I love you and hold me down or twist my arm. He will ask me over and over do you love me? And he will bite me and get rough in a sexual playful way. I would often wake up covered in bruises after we had sex when he was drinking. He would bite me all over my body, twist my arm, pull my hair and I would have finger bruises all over my thighs and my arms. I once woke up a few weeks ago with 33 bruises. Thankfully it is colder and I could wear clothes to cover my legs, neck and arms to hide it at work. He would always squeeze my inner thigh when we were out and I had a permanent bruise there for almost 2 months because he did it so often. It was HUGE and yellow and really pretty bad. But that is how he showed me when we were out with people that he wanted me. It was like he had to pinch me or bite me or something to show how much he loved me. He would give me that look like I love you more than anything at the grocery store or the bar or home and would grab my ass so hard it would leave a bruise and kiss me. I honestly never saw that as a problem as he wasn't doing this in anger. It was always playful. And he would be saying how much he loved me when he did it. And it was just how we were so I never thought to much about it until lately. I am not sure if this is normal? Maybe I am overreacting as each couple have different ways of showing love.

Well I didn't mean to go on and on but it just started pouring out of me. I am so confused by his behavior. I have never really looked at these things as issues but are they warning signs?

Yes Ambermoon these are signs, all signs you need to run FAST and FAR!! and never look back.

(((Ambermoon)) please take care of yourself and be very careful and watch your back.

I want to get him to talk to me and treat me as a normal person who he has hurt

This is you clinging to the belief that you can change him.

The sooner you let that belief go, the safer you will be.

The whole community is pretty much telling you the same thing. You are a victim of abuse - you need protection.

Call the cops. Make a report. Go to the DA's office & file for a PO.

You need protection - protect yourself.

Take action steps. Whether your heart is in it or not. Take action.

Ambermoon, I'm trying to say this gently...biting and getting rough is NOT sexually playful. It is a sign of sick dominance.

He would bite me all over my body, twist my arm, pull my hair and I would have finger bruises all over my thighs and my arms. I once woke up a few weeks ago with 33 bruises. Thankfully it is colder and I could wear clothes to cover my legs, neck and arms to hide it at work. He would always squeeze my inner thigh when we were out and I had a permanent bruise there for almost 2 months because he did it so often. It was HUGE and yellow and really pretty bad. But that is how he showed me when we were out with people that he wanted me. It was like he had to pinch me or bite me or something to show how much he loved me.

This is a SICK way to show love, and one could even argue that it's rape.

Even with everything last night, I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is and doesn't know how to express himself and he must be hurting so I already have forgiven him and feel like I want to make it better for him. WHY?

PLEASE get help.

You are deeply enmeshed and it's not a healthy relationship!

You are NOT put on this earth to teach him the things he needs to learn. Girl, you are NOT safe, and please get help!!!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:37 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Amber, I got concerned when I read your post but I think you did the right thing by writing it all down and asking what we all thought about it.

You will get very honest responses from the amazing SI folk as I think this situation is rather serious now and none of us want anything to happen to you, so if we all come across a bit harsh, please know it is only because we care.

Here are my thoughts - he is a controlling, manipulative monster.

You are focussing right now on my you cannot move away from him emotionally, but in the kindest possible way, that is not the priority right now. You need to get away from his physically and make sure you are safe where you live and not have any contact with him whatsoever. I would second what another poster wrote and contact the police if you are in any way concerned that he may turn up at your door.

The fact that you said he has fights with men when he is drunk worries me greatly. He is a violent person. End of.

Re his behaviour with you sexually. I am rather open minded as to what couples get up to behind closed doors, but reading what you said regarding the bruises and then everything else you have told us about him - well, this is not good. Not good at all. He is branding you like you are his territory. My God, no one deserves to be treated like this but he has manipulated you to feel that that is the way he shows he loves you.

Honey, he is not capable of love. He is a very broken, sick man and quite frankly a danger to you.

The reason you feel you cannot let go is not your fault - he has done this to you and owned your emotions for too long.

Time to take them back - you need to own them and not let anyone control them any more!

He has abused you and this is a fact. Now you need to decide whether you will keep letting him abuse you.

I hope you do not feel like I am being too harsh on you, but literally I am so so desperate for you to get away from him I do not know how else to put it.

Keep letting us know hoe you are getting on.

Ambermoon, it is NOT NORMAL. You feel that it is normal because that is all you are accustomed to in this relationship. I let bad behavior go by (and it was nothing as horrific as what you describe) because I told myself "that's the way he is" and that was my "normal". I needed to find my voice, and he worked on his coping mechanisms. But what I'm saying to you is: run, as fast as you can from this man. He is manipulative, abusive, shows not a shred of remorse, if you stay with this man you will be subject to the same manipulative and abusive behaviors over and over. Run, sweetie, run! ((Ambermoon))

If I go back to your first post you mentioned repeatedly that you felt he has been cheating for awhile, but he would always get you to not believe it. So lets go back to that, you have known for a LONG time in your gut that what he was doing was wrong and your gut was also screaming at you that it was other women. Believe your gut. This man would stay out all night once a week? He moved in with you and basically mooched off of you? Never paid his bills? And you say he was never mean to you?

The only thing I think this guy did for you was the sex? And some attention. I would find out from a good IC why you feel attracted to this type of person. Sex can be addictive. Be very careful, this type of person can easily get violent when you attempt to get your own life back.

The way to detach is to block his number on your phone. Do it today. So you don't see text messages or get calls. Pull that bandaide off and block his way to contact you. It only stops when you take steps to make it happen.

^^^^^ Whar reality bites says^^^^

But please, MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE!! He may get very angry. Do not let him in the house. Have someone stay with you, if possible. Be prepared to call 911 at the first sign of anger. Take care of you and watch out for you!

It is very hard to tell such intimite details about your life/sex life with a group of strangers and it is embarrassing. But I am glad I have shared such personal things as I feel I needed some outside assistance to help me see what has become my normal is not normal at all. It is helping me understand why I still want him and am so concerned with him and not myself.

NoAnswer mentioned that he is branding me like he owns me sexually and I have to honestly say I felt that many times recently. Like he was proud of the marks he left on me. It was a strange. He would often say I had NO IDEA how dirty he liked it and the things that turned him on. I always asked what he meant but it never got answered. I have often thought he might even be hiring people to do things that no one would ever do.

But once again, I would think I am being dramatic or ridiculous for even thinking that and let it go.

When I reflect, he was not like this during out first year of being together. It was the 2nd year that I slowly noticed he was getting more aggressive and rough with me in bed. And it got to an all time high in the last 2 months. He would want sex 5 times per day if not more. He would often talk of trying to get my pregnant lately and we both agreed that we did not want any children.

I am going to my OBGYN to get tested on Friday. I am seeing a counselor today. I am going to go to 12 step meetings for co-dependency. My phone company does not block calls so I am stuck there and cannot change my number because of work. I am going to try my best to let him go and stop wondering how he could do this and why and trying to get an apology and let go of the anger.

I know many of you think I am in danger and that he will come to my house. I no for sure that I am not in danger. He will not try to get me back unless I am willing to forget everything. He will probably never text me again now that I have threatened him with the police and told him I have started dating someone new. He has never begged me back before. I have stayed away from him for 2 months and he didn't call once. I called him and we were back on within days. He doesn't want me anymore and that is I think what makes this so hard for me. It brings up my abandonment issues and it is hard to be left out in the cold after being showered with intense attention. It is like how can he not want me? And I was nothing but good to him. He did this to me? Here I go again.... feeling sick and upset that he doesn't want me. It makes me unable to breath when I think he can just walk away and not care.

ANYWAYS, I know I have to work on this inside of me to heal. I just don't know how to heal myself. I have tried so many times in the past and I always end up calling him.

But anyways, I do not think I am in danger. But I will be on alert just in case. This is sick to say but I wish he would do something.... beg me back, show up at my house, SOMETHING that would show me he cares about me. And in saying that I know I need help. I hope you will all continue to support me through what I know will be very hard for me. Thank you for taking your valued time to help me see the truth and encourage me to get help to break this cycle. I appreciate all of you so much. I don't know what I would have done without the support here.

I am so glad to hear that you are going to get tested and are having IC. These things are to make YOU better so keep going with that.

I am in the same position where I would love if my ex turned round and validated that I could be loved and was a good girlfriend blah blah blah, but I am starting to realise I do not need validation from a sick man. I know I am a good person and did not deserve any of his shit. It was no reflection on me, just like it is no reflection on you.

You say you need to let him go....let's correct that to you need yourself to be free. Enough is enough honey and we will support you all the way out of this mess. It will take time but you will get there : )

And just want to check something - you have told him you are dating someone new....ARE you?? Or is this just something you told him to get him off your back?

(((Amber)))

NoAnswer,

NO I am not dating anyone. I cannot even fathom the idea of being with someone else. But I told him this to hurt him honestly. The night he was sending me vulgar text messages I told him that I planned to get fxxxx but not by him. That I had a new man in my life who was better than he ever was. He acted as if he didn't read those messages and never commented on it. He just continued with what he wanted to do to me. He did say that no one would ever replace him and I knew it. I won't be dating for a long time....

I know you can understand the no remorse thing as we have discussed before and I am so glad to hear that you are finding some peace within.

I am truly going to try to get out of this mess and work on myself. I am in a good state of mind right now but I think what is so frustrating is that can change in an instant....

Talk to you later!