SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry about what you are experiencing, Horsegirl. Like others said, he is rewriting your marital history. He was happy until OW showed up. When he crossed the line, this happened:

He said he let things build until he began to hate me but wouldn't I have sensed that?

He didn't hate you until he let his heart shift to OW. Then he was addicted and wanted to be with her, but had to lie to you because he was M to you. He needs the hate to function in the A.

Learn the 180, keep telling yourself what you value in a real M, and how your H isn't that person. That will help you with the 180.

Keep going forward with the 180. His A may (and probably will) fizzle out, and he'll be back at your door. If you decide to consider taking him back after his behavior, lock a prenuptial in place if you are already D from him. If you aren't D from him by the time he gets his head out of his A, have him sign a post nuptial. It would hurt to lose your M and your farm the next time he goes nuts.

((((((Horsegirl))))))

HBH

Can you help me interpret these...pretty pretty please. These were text messages sent after he left. I know she was going to him hanging out at nights with him (he was then staying with a friend). Her boyfriend said they were sending facebook messages and then she would go out with Him and come back late at night. Right..okay she was supposed to be my friend. Stood in my barn and saw me absolutely breaking down and then goes to befriend the man who left me??? However, maybe these messages are how he truly felt? Maybe he really didn't want to be with me? Maybe he didn't love me?

-I am sorry but we can never be together again. I shouldn’t have let it go this far. From the very beginning I haven’t felt right about this relationship. I just want on being an obedient boyfriend/husband pretending everything was okay and hoping if I just ignored it that I would be okay and things would be good. All I wanted to do is make you happy. It has come at a major expense to me. This relationship has been eating away at me for years and I cannot live that way any longer. I know you said we are going to lose our asses in this divorce, but that is not a good reason to stay. I have lived with that fear long enough and I have to be willing to let it go. I will do whatever is needed to end this suffering. It is not fair to me or to you to continue because my heart isn’t in it.

-I don’t know, I guess I see it a lot differently maybe because I have been living it for so long. It is better to have it come about at 10 yrs rather than 30yrs of marriage. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I am not in love with you. Counseling isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to fix the problems, I want to leave them behind. I am sorry this is painful for you, but it has been painful for me as well but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.

-Please stop. I am not going to counseling. I have come to realize marriage vows are bullshit. There is no saving this. I am already gone.

-I left you because I don’t want to be with you. I am sorry that I have hurt you, if there was a way to leave without hurting you believe me I would. If I am not into this relationship I am hurting you much more than letting you find your true love.

[This message edited by Horsegirl at 9:30 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

Sweetie, he's just spouting all that because he has to justify his behavior in his mind. He perceives himself as a "good guy, nice guy" etc, so he has to vilify you as his rationalization for his awful behavior. That's what happened to me and I will bet most of the BS here. Stay strong, 180, 180, 180!!!! If he comes over again, don't be nice. Don't speak to him. Be civil, and don't lose your cool. Proceed with the divorce. And remember, it's nothing you did. He just needs to do a re-write of your marriage in his mind to justify his bad behavior. Hugs!

He is trying to minimize the situation and make you seem like the person who wrecked the marriage. I suppose it is possible that he is in some kind of fog. But, the only way to find out is to give him what he wants. NC, nothing. Begin the 180 for YOU. Let him see how strong and independent of a woman you are. Let him see you moving on, but do it for you not to get him back. This is not going to be easy, but you are what is important here not his cheating self.

He is emotionally abusing you.

He "has come to realize [his] marriage vows are bullshit" because he has been fucking another woman. It's not about you. It's not about the marriage. It's not about the OW. It's all about him being a busted-up, sinking ship.

Do not let him suck you down with him! NC, IC and if it would make you feel better, consider looking into hiring a PI to confirm the affair.

((Horsegirl))

If he isn't have an affair than I guess the things he said are true. Is that how normal people divorce? It just seems like even most people who get a normal divorce without cheating try to work things out via counseling and they don't just go out blaming their spouse for everything.

Sweetie, he IS having an affair. That is why he is making up all this horseshit! I know it hurts because you know in your heart it's not true. Be good to YOU. Be strong for YOU! FTG!!

His behavior is typical for someone who is having an affair.

In an alternate reality where he is not having an affair, his words and actions would be completely bizarre. No one is passive enough to act happy, caring and romantic towards their spouse for ten years while secretly resenting them, disliking their personality, and building up a hatred for them. No one's acting skills are that good.

In fact, IME an emotion as strong as hate only comes into divorce when there is adultery. Normal people whose marriages are not working feel mixed feelings, indifference, ambivalence, sadness, frustration. But they do not feel hatred for their best friend and lover. They can not shut and lock the door between them overnight.

So, if he's not having an affair, he is mentally ill. In either case, he's delusional. Do you have friends and family who can come for moral support?

I think some of my friends are just tired of me and of course they are tired that I keep talking to him and getting emotionally abused by his words.

Some people tell me that it is possible for somebody to be that unhappy and just go through the motions and that frankly freaks me out. I mean really??? They say that maybe he was just really passive and a major conflict avoider so he never spoke up and his only way of getting out was to just up and walk out.

I am sorry Horsegirl, you sound like you are in denial. I was for the better part of a year.

Yes, it is possible for a person to simply go through the motions and yes, he could have done that. But he IS and HAS BEEN having an A. He is lying to protect HER about this. Most of his actions of late is to protect her. Pleas start looking into yourself try to find some strength through us all here and within yourself to move on. You deserve this. PM me if you feel like it, I would be happy to talk with you.

Take care my friend,JOSE

Oh trust me it is actually easier to believe he is having an affair than if I believe he truly feels this way about me. I guess that is what I am wrestling with and what we talked about in counseling last night. Is it bad that I want to believe that he is having an affair so that I can have hope that he wakes the hell up one of these days? I mean I know that I need to do the 180 and live my life and move on but for whatever reason if I believe he left me for another woman it makes it easier to handle than he just was so unhappy for years and doesn't love me at all.

They say that maybe he was just really passive and a major conflict avoider so he never spoke up and his only way of getting out was to just up and walk out.

Do those people have personal experience with adultery? I think not.

He left you because he was having an affair. Miserable, downtrodden people do not magically appear happily married for ten years no matter how passive they are.

Sailorgirl- the basically say well maybe he was unhappy and still just managed to go through the motions with me because some people can do that.

Have any of you been divorced w/o adultery involved? I don't know a lot of divorced people but it seems as if there is normally arguing, discussions, counseling and attempts to work on the marriage before just walking out the door.

Then I think well maybe he just fell out of love with me and thought the love wasn't coming back. I guess that is possible. I felt like he loved me because I couldn't continue living with somebody having sex, going on vacations, doing things to make them happy and more without loving them.

Horsegirl - please stop beating yourself up. He is in the wrong here. He is having an affair and he has convinced himself that what he is telling you is the truth. And that really is how he sees it right now. It's so hard to understand it but believe us, it's true. That is not really the case. If you didn't have problems in your marriage (major ones, not the little ones) and this really did come out of the blue, then it's because he has convinced himself you are the "bad guy" in this marriage. Otherwise, how could he live with himself? How could he look himself in the mirror? So many of us have been through what you are going through. We can't say 100% for sure, but we give it a 98% certainty. This is a textbook case - no two ways about it. Some parts of your story are so much like mine; I could have written some of it myself. I don't know how long his head will be stuck up his a.s but don't wait for him to smarten up. Start planning for yourself - do the 180 - keep posting here if you feel your friends don't understand - and if they haven't been through this, they probably don't understand. Stay strong and know we all have your back.

((Horsegirl)). Your story brings tears to my eyes, because it is so similar to mine. Well - we don't have the same story, of course, but everything your H said is what my xSO said when he walked out the door. All of it is exactly the same. Pretty much word for word for word. Believe me and what everyone else is saying that this is the script.

Believe us also when we say it isn't true. It's self-justifying. Please, please know that. That he did this and said those things will be very painful for him one day, whether you get the benefit of knowing it or not.

What isn't a script is what happens next. Folks who say this story isn't over yet are right. Shore yourself up for a wild ride. We are all thinking about you. Keep posting. There are so many great people in this board who have been through it and have great wisdom.

I am so sorry. ((horsegirl))

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. I have no idea if he'll pull his head out of his bum, but you are worthy of much better.

I'm sor sorry horsegirl I know from experience how painful the words he is throwing at you are to hear. My ex H did the same thing, "I married you because I thought you deserved it" "I just don't have those feelings for you that I get/got with other women" and to his mother " I only married her to prove to you that I cold hold down a relationship when you can't"

This was my childhood sweetheart and it damaged me greatly. He denied an affai but of course there was one, I'm not saying this is the case in your situation but it was in mine.

I think that your husband is rewriting history to make himself out to be the victim, poor, long suffering a'hole who sacrificed so much to try and make it work rather then an adulterous, selfish pig. I think you can expect more of this in the weeks ahead, be prepared to hear his lies back from others as he tries to influence public perception of his actions.

Have you read the 180?

WHat I have learned is:

They do/say all this cruel stuff so you will fight look like a psycho so he can D you and say it's because you were all those things AND a psycho.

He is having an affair, but too chicken to admit it.

The NC is for you, because NC = no new hurts.

Back off,, he is in his own little world now. My pastor told me at this point, he's not listening. Live your life.

PS> The OW was most likely texting that crap to you, or she is all up in his head. He is in a total "zone" with her and doesn't want the dream to end and he would have to come back to reality.

I did read the 180 and am trying so hard not to talk to him. Doing better and getting stronger.

They do/say all this cruel stuff so you will fight look like a psycho so he can D you and say it's because you were all those things AND a psycho.

A million percent true. This is why NC, 180 and crickets is so important. He wants to leave you... Fine, let him leave. Don't contact him, don't show him your feelings, don't fight for him... Let him go.

Then months to years later, you will get that stupid text or dumb phone call asking to talk... Because he realizes that he misses you

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:23 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]